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Broken Hearts

by babymagic18


I want to first say thank you to alll that read this piece I am proud of my writing and that is the reason I share it with others.

I feel as if my heart was made of glass, as if he just got bored of looking at it and knocked it down to the cold tile floor. Left me wondering if it will get picked up and put back together again but not by him most definetly not by him.

As I listen to the rain shower the world I remember how he showered my life with those sweet words of innocence, how he looked at me with eyes filled with promise, but it was only to leave me with the feeling of betrayal and the feeling of being lost and confused. I want to cry for not knowing why, why it had to end, why he walked away without even a sinple good-bye, why do I lay here paralyzed.

My mother creeps in and sits by my side. Just then my tears that I've been holding inside begin to slide. She tries to reasure me that I'll be just fine, I'll have to take this one day at a time. She told me of her first broken heart how she had vowed to hate and detest that guy for the rest of her life but she looked back at the good times they shared and she decided they could start over being the best og friends. :)


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Thu Nov 24, 2022 9:05 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I feel as if my heart was made of glass, as if he just got bored of looking at it and knocked it down to the cold tile floor. Left me wondering if it will get picked up and put back together again but not by him most definetly not by him.

As I listen to the rain shower the world I remember how he showered my life with those sweet words of innocence, how he looked at me with eyes filled with promise, but it was only to leave me with the feeling of betrayal and the feeling of being lost and confused. I want to cry for not knowing why, why it had to end, why he walked away without even a sinple good-bye, why do I lay here paralyzed.

My mother creeps in and sits by my side. Just then my tears that I've been holding inside begin to slide. She tries to reasure me that I'll be just fine, I'll have to take this one day at a time. She told me of her first broken heart how she had vowed to hate and detest that guy for the rest of her life but she looked back at the good times they shared and she decided they could start over being the best og friends.


Okay....well this was certainly an interesting piece here. Its one of the shorter one's I've run into recently especially given that it seems despite the size this one here does have some sort of attempt at a clear ending here. I'll say on the whole it does sort of actually work but not quite. The ending is a little flat there and the tone is a bit odd, especially with that sudden switch to slang that seems rather out of place in this story.

Besides that particular situation though, its a decent enough piece here. I think you've got yourself a solid little piece. It taps into some interesting emotions. Quite powerful ones too at that and I think that works well in its favor to depict this situation and the way it transitions into the mother and the advice is pretty solidly done there. I think you've gone and done a pretty solid job here with this particular piece. It does also do well enough to make you want to know the backstory here.

At any rate, overall we've got ourselves a pretty solid little piece here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri May 01, 2009 11:23 pm
VehementWriter wrote a review...



[spoiler]
Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
= I started new paragraph.
I feel as if my heart was made of glass, as if he just got bored of looking at it and knocked it down to the cold, tile floor. Left me wondering if it will get picked up and put back together again; but not by him, most definitely not by him.
As I listen to the rain shower the world, I remember how he showered my life with those sweet words of innocence, how he looked at me with eyes filled with promise, You have two “with’s” too close together… “promise-filled eyes”, perhaps? but it was only to leave me with the feeling of betrayalof being lost and confused. I want to cry for not knowing why, why it had to end; why he walked away without even a simple good-bye. Why do I lie here paralyzed?
My mother creeps in and sits by my side. Just then the tears that I've been holding inside begin to slide. She tries to reassure me that I'll be just fine; I'll have to take this one day at a time. She tells me of her first broken heart; how she had vowed to hate and detest that guy for the rest of her life, but she then looked back at the good times they shared, and she decided they could start over by being the best of friends. [/spoiler]

Okay, so this seems to be a common thing nowadays - tense disagreement.
I think for this specific, poetic-like story present tense works, but you're just going to have to be really careful to stay faithful to it throughout. If you don't think you can do that, then start changing it to past from the very beginning.

Actual idea, I think it's something a lot of people are going to relate with, so that's a pro. Plus, your words just seem to flow together, the feelings clearly reflected, which is exactly what you want - to evoke feelings in the reader.
This is just a short fragment, though, and I really can't give too much of an opinion yet, but I like what I've read so far, and I'd certainly keep reading.

»Sam.




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Fri May 01, 2009 11:18 am
Octave wrote a review...



Hi babymagic18! I'm here to review your work.


Left me wondering if it will get picked up and put back together again but not by him most definetly not by him.


He left me wondering whether or not it will get picked up and put back together - but not by him, most definitely not by him.

Just a few spelling errors and missing punctuation marks.


As I listen to the rain shower the world I remember how he showered my life with those sweet words of innocence, how he looked at me with eyes filled with promise, but it was only to leave me with the feeling of betrayal and the feeling of being lost and confused.


As I listened to the rain shower the world I remembered how he showered my life with sweet words of innocence, how he looked at me with eyes filled with promise, only to leave me with feelings of betrayal, feelings of being lost and confused.

I reworded it a bit by pruning words. You should take out all unnecessary words. They tend to distract the reader and lessen the impact of your prose.


I want to cry for not knowing why, why it had to end, why he walked away without even a sinple good-bye, why do I lay here paralyzed.


I wanted to cry, not knowing why it had to end, why he walked away without even a simple (or did you mean single? I'm not sure) good bye, why I lay here paralyzed.

You're using the present tense but in the beginning you used the past tense, so you have to consistently use your verbs in the past tense.


My mother creeps in and sits by my side. Just then my tears that I've been holding inside begin to slide.


Again, past tense.


She told me of her first broken heart how she had vowed to hate and detest that guy for the rest of her life but she looked back at the good times they shared and she decided they could start over being the best og friends.


She told me of her first broken heart: how she had vowed to hate and detest the man who broke it for the rest of her life. But then she looked back at the good times they had shared and decided they could start over, becoming the best of friends.

It was a run-on sentence. You could reword it. The example above is just an idea.



OVERALL: Maybe it isn't the rest of the piece you should change. I think it's the tenses in the beginning you should change.

Also, it's more of a character insight than a story, isn't it? It's nice and simple. Bittersweet, I suppose.

Sincerely,

Kara





Being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible. It just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

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