Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
In the deep dark void of space, there was an old man, on an old rock, on an old planet. This planet was once like ours, but had now advanced extravagantly beyond its own borders, and many people had left seeking more luxurious homes in other galaxies, when one day this old man thought to himself, alone on this planet, on his rock, "What if I’m not what I think I am?" and when the old man thought this, he immediately started to be hurtled through space. realizing that he had been correct in his thinking the old man accepted his fate that awaited him at the end of the ride, and he enjoyed the views of civilizations, gone and now, the old man learned many new things he had not known before, and he was very knowledgeable before I may add. When he arrived at the end of the ride, he was young again, and he stepped upon a valley of clouds. Therefore in the clouds stood a man.
Well this is quite some start right here. Definitely gets you thinking right away this one. I think you've done a rather powerful job there in terms of getting our attention quite fast there. I think you've done a very powerful job with this description, and especially in terms of balancing out the mystery and the description there so we get to see enough that we're curious but its not so much that it becomes a bit of an infodump.
The old man asked the young man "who are you, and why did I end up here?" and the young man responded with an "I am many, and you are nowhere." The old man pondered this, when behind him a young man, whom he recognized from his trip, was the smartest and most boastful of all beings in the universe came forth from a journey as well. The old man asked him "did you learn things too?" and the man replied "I didn’t need to learn, I know all there is to know about anything" the young man replied. He did not ask a question as the old man had but the man of the clouds simply stated "I am nothing, and you are nowhere, if you know what I am I will let you into a place some call heaven, others Avalon, and yet still some call Paradise." The young man did not hesitate and responded, "You must be Helecdor, and I am in Nyuenr." the old man knew these to be a religion like that of his own Christianity, and Nyuenr was a term for Heaven. The Man of the clouds raised his hand and simply said "No." and the young man was expelled back through time and back to his home world. The old man remained and pondered longer to the answer of such a challenge. Finally, the old man replied, "If I am nowhere and you are nothing, then it must be impossible to matter, because it simply is be that we are being. And if I am wrong send me back, I was content with what I was."
Hmm well the one nitpick I have to point out here is that you should perhaps be splitting up this dialogue into their own paragraphs here. Besides that particular problem though, I am loving the way this is headed. Its certainly a pretty intriguing conversation that you've got going right here.
The Man of the clouds stood for a moment and at last stated "You sir are correct." in front of the old man a gate appeared, and he was curious to find life’s final answers, when he stepped through all that was.....was.
Hmm interesting ending there. I think it didn't quite achieve the effect you were maybe going for, I think you end up making the situation feel a little less ethereal and magical than in the first paragraph by making things perhaps a little more specific than you should have, but besides that I think you've done quite a lovely job here with things. It is a very interesting piece.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4102
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