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Shortstory, a First

by Matthemus


This is a short story i did, it is entitled On the Memoirs of Wise Man

Enjoy :D

In the deep dark void of space, there was an old man, on an old rock, on an old planet. This planet was once like ours, but had now advanced extravagantly beyond its own borders, and many people had left seeking more luxurious homes in other galaxies, when one day this old man thought to himself, alone on this planet, on his rock, "What if I’m not what I think I am?" and when the old man thought this, he immediately started to be hurtled through space. realizing that he had been correct in his thinking the old man accepted his fate that awaited him at the end of the ride, and he enjoyed the views of civilizations, gone and now, the old man learned many new things he had not known before, and he was very knowledgeable before I may add. When he arrived at the end of the ride, he was young again, and he stepped upon a valley of clouds. Therefore in the clouds stood a man.

The old man asked the young man "who are you, and why did I end up here?" and the young man responded with an "I am many, and you are nowhere." The old man pondered this, when behind him a young man, whom he recognized from his trip, was the smartest and most boastful of all beings in the universe came forth from a journey as well. The old man asked him "did you learn things too?" and the man replied "I didn’t need to learn, I know all there is to know about anything" the young man replied. He did not ask a question as the old man had but the man of the clouds simply stated "I am nothing, and you are nowhere, if you know what I am I will let you into a place some call heaven, others Avalon, and yet still some call Paradise." The young man did not hesitate and responded, "You must be Helecdor, and I am in Nyuenr." the old man knew these to be a religion like that of his own Christianity, and Nyuenr was a term for Heaven. The Man of the clouds raised his hand and simply said "No." and the young man was expelled back through time and back to his home world. The old man remained and pondered longer to the answer of such a challenge. Finally, the old man replied, "If I am nowhere and you are nothing, then it must be impossible to matter, because it simply is be that we are being. And if I am wrong send me back, I was content with what I was."

The Man of the clouds stood for a moment and at last stated "You sir are correct." in front of the old man a gate appeared, and he was curious to find life’s final answers, when he stepped through all that was.....was.


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Mon Oct 03, 2022 3:21 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

In the deep dark void of space, there was an old man, on an old rock, on an old planet. This planet was once like ours, but had now advanced extravagantly beyond its own borders, and many people had left seeking more luxurious homes in other galaxies, when one day this old man thought to himself, alone on this planet, on his rock, "What if I’m not what I think I am?" and when the old man thought this, he immediately started to be hurtled through space. realizing that he had been correct in his thinking the old man accepted his fate that awaited him at the end of the ride, and he enjoyed the views of civilizations, gone and now, the old man learned many new things he had not known before, and he was very knowledgeable before I may add. When he arrived at the end of the ride, he was young again, and he stepped upon a valley of clouds. Therefore in the clouds stood a man.


Well this is quite some start right here. Definitely gets you thinking right away this one. I think you've done a rather powerful job there in terms of getting our attention quite fast there. I think you've done a very powerful job with this description, and especially in terms of balancing out the mystery and the description there so we get to see enough that we're curious but its not so much that it becomes a bit of an infodump.

The old man asked the young man "who are you, and why did I end up here?" and the young man responded with an "I am many, and you are nowhere." The old man pondered this, when behind him a young man, whom he recognized from his trip, was the smartest and most boastful of all beings in the universe came forth from a journey as well. The old man asked him "did you learn things too?" and the man replied "I didn’t need to learn, I know all there is to know about anything" the young man replied. He did not ask a question as the old man had but the man of the clouds simply stated "I am nothing, and you are nowhere, if you know what I am I will let you into a place some call heaven, others Avalon, and yet still some call Paradise." The young man did not hesitate and responded, "You must be Helecdor, and I am in Nyuenr." the old man knew these to be a religion like that of his own Christianity, and Nyuenr was a term for Heaven. The Man of the clouds raised his hand and simply said "No." and the young man was expelled back through time and back to his home world. The old man remained and pondered longer to the answer of such a challenge. Finally, the old man replied, "If I am nowhere and you are nothing, then it must be impossible to matter, because it simply is be that we are being. And if I am wrong send me back, I was content with what I was."


Hmm well the one nitpick I have to point out here is that you should perhaps be splitting up this dialogue into their own paragraphs here. Besides that particular problem though, I am loving the way this is headed. Its certainly a pretty intriguing conversation that you've got going right here.

The Man of the clouds stood for a moment and at last stated "You sir are correct." in front of the old man a gate appeared, and he was curious to find life’s final answers, when he stepped through all that was.....was.


Hmm interesting ending there. I think it didn't quite achieve the effect you were maybe going for, I think you end up making the situation feel a little less ethereal and magical than in the first paragraph by making things perhaps a little more specific than you should have, but besides that I think you've done quite a lovely job here with things. It is a very interesting piece.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Feb 20, 2009 8:02 pm
Matthemus says...



Thanks guys! :D
I really appreciate the criticism.
I'm constantly trying to improve, and i know my writing is not the greatest but you have helped me, even if just a bit.




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Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:19 pm
.:Elf:. wrote a review...



The idea is really great and I liked it. The way you wrote this made it sound almost poetic, love that!

This planet was once like ours, but had now advanced extravagantly beyond its own borders, and many people had left seeking more luxurious homes in other galaxies, when one day this old man thought to himself, alone on this planet, on his rock, "What if I’m not what I think I am?" and when the old man thought this, he immediately started to be hurtled through space.

That is one really long sentence, might be easier to read if you chopped it up a bit.
You also might want to start a new paragraph when the man speaks.

More description would be nice too.

Not the longest critique, but hopefully it helps.




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Fri Feb 20, 2009 5:17 pm
Mars wrote a review...



Hi Matthemus! Welcome to YWS! I see this is your first post, so you might want to check out our rules. One of them is to have 2 works reviewed for every piece of your own that you post, k?

Now, onto the review.

First of all, I noticed some grammar-y errors. Grammar's totally annoying, but if it's not up to par, it can make a great story into a horrid one, so it does need to be cleared up. I think a lot of the errors are things like not capitalizing, forgetting punctuation, etc. and other things that you'll catch during revision, so I won't go through all of that now. Here's an example:

the man replied "I didn’t need to learn, I know all there is to know about anything" the young man replied.

Do you see how you don't need to say that the man replied twice? ;-)

However, if you are having problems and you do want me to, just drop me a line and I can do that. I will direct you to a couple of articles, one on dialogue grammar and another on commas, just in case.

So, aside from grammar. The story was really...interesting. I must say, I don't think I've ever read anything like it - which is a good thing! I love the idea, the old, somewhat wise man and how the young guy was really hasty and not so wise. It's nice, and I think it will be really good...with some editing.

The main problem that I had with it is that you're writing about this really interesting, unusual event, on a different planet, in a different world, and yet it's three paragraphs long. I think you should expand this further, because the idea is really good, it just needs more explanation, if that makes sense. It feels like you wrote this in the space of about twenty minutes, just getting everything in your head emptied out onto paper.

That's a nice way to get the creative juices flowing, don't get me wrong. It's just that you have to remember that you are writing for an audience that doesn't know exactly what you're thinking. And right now, the story is really confusing. I mean, first of all, there's this old man, alone, sitting on his rock. I think that would be a really cool picture that you could paint (with words) in the beginning. Like, isntead of just, an old man on a rock on a planet it could be more like an old man, sitting on his boulder, watching the sun rise and fall over the barren landscape that was his home.

I mean, that's pretty bad, what I just wrote. But you get the idea, right?

And then you have these three men. By the way, I thought there were only two, until the last three sentences. See, all the scenes and all the things that happen here are really interesting, we just need MORE of them. Describe the old man's journey through space. Describe the man in the clouds, how his face radiated with the light of a thousand suns, or absorbed all the light around him so it looked as if he blurred into the background. You know? Whatever you want to do, just....MORE.

To wrap up this insanely long winded review...it was good. It really was, and don't let all my writing make you think any different. It's just, I need more explanation, more description, less confusion. Instead of trying to squeeze it into three paragraphs, expand the whole thing and make readers feel as if they are on the planet, taking the journey with the man. You know?
PM me if you have any questions...and also if you post the edited version!
:)
-Mars





I didn't want to slow time, I just wanted to make a little rock.
— MomoMajesty's brother