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clock of fate

by Dargquon Ql'deleodna


this is the beginning of a short story im writing.

Clock of fate

I looked nervously at my watch; the time slowly ticking by. each agonizing minute creeping past. I looked around, my eyes wide; sweat beading on my forehead, tightly wringing my hands. I know there’s something wrong; something that will change the world that I lived in, forever.

I know about the bomb; overhearing a few 12th graders saying that they were going to leave school with a bang…

“John!” the shrill voice of my teacher interrupting my thoughts.

“y..y.yes?” I said questioning.

“are you feeling ok? because you don’t look so good” she said with just a hint of concern.” ever since last week you have been… distracted, and looking terrible; are you sure you’re ok, that there is nothing I can do to help.?”

“I’m fine” I lied, wishing to have the courage to tell her the truth.

“Don’t let all of the end of school excitement get to your head, it isn’t over yet.”

any new title suggestions would be helpfull.


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Thu Jun 23, 2022 11:32 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I looked nervously at my watch; the time slowly ticking by. each agonizing minute creeping past. I looked around, my eyes wide; sweat beading on my forehead, tightly wringing my hands. I know there’s something wrong; something that will change the world that I lived in, forever.


Well this is quite the start. Its not nearly as powerful as one of those stories where we've got a bit of a mystery that hints and some potential destruction. This is sort of straight to the point letting us know that something big is happening. It does still do a pretty solid job of getting our attention though and the way its tied to this time and the title also makes for an interesting addition here.

I know about the bomb; overhearing a few 12th graders saying that they were going to leave school with a bang…

“John!” the shrill voice of my teacher interrupting my thoughts.

“y..y.yes?” I said questioning.


OKay well this is an interesting detail. Given how things were developing it seemed like some sort of more combat based setting and now here despite all the bombs it seems much more like we're somehow in some sort of school and somehow it also appears that our protagonist is a student. Well, this is certainly getting more intriguing as we continue here.

“are you feeling ok? because you don’t look so good” she said with just a hint of concern.” ever since last week you have been… distracted, and looking terrible; are you sure you’re ok, that there is nothing I can do to help.?”

“I’m fine” I lied, wishing to have the courage to tell her the truth.

“Don’t let all of the end of school excitement get to your head, it isn’t over yet.”


Well that's an interesting ending. It looks like we're completing ignoring and moving past the threat from earlier to end a very sort of first day at school kind of vibe. On one hand it really heightens the intrigue on terms of what could possibly be going on but its also a little bit of an anticlimax to end on here and I'm torn here. Overall, though, this is a decent piece.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Dec 14, 2005 4:07 am



thx




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Wed Dec 14, 2005 4:05 am
Snoink says...



I hate it when that happens...

Good luck!




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Wed Dec 14, 2005 4:03 am



yea im gonna continue this, thx for briniging it up, oh wait nooooooooo my computer crashed it wasnt backe dup a long time agao i think i lost the cool edited typed version, darn i have to start it again....




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Wed Dec 14, 2005 4:02 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Oh dear! The grammar...

Listen to TBR. Also, note that on each side of the semicolon, there should be a complete sentence. It's a way to use a complete sentence in one big sentence instead of two little ones.

Are you going to continue this? There isn't a lot to it so far, so it's rather hard to come up with a comment on the content for this, let alone a different title name.




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Tue Aug 23, 2005 3:20 pm
Rei wrote a review...



TBR got all the grammar stuff. The idea is all right, though it could use some more narrative detail. There were a couple of things that did annoy me, though.

"each agonizing minute creeping past." You're saying the exact same thing as the previous sentence, but with different words. Choose one or the other.

“y..y.yes?” I said questioning.
YOu don't need the word questioning, since you've got a ?. Either use "I asked" or take out the word "questioning."




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Tue Aug 23, 2005 1:41 am
Elizabeth wrote a review...



Just because you're my friend and I'm bored beyond belief I'll help wit the entire story

I looked nervously at my watch; the time slowly ticking by.

Each (CAPITAL E) agonizing minute creeping past.

I looked around, my eyes wide; sweat beading on my forehead, tightly wringing my hands. ( I dont' know if those two'd tie in well... fro how I read it, it sounds like the sweat is wringing your hands)

I know there’s something wrong; something that will change the world that I lived in, forever.

I know about the bomb; overhearing a few 12th graders saying that they were going to leave school with a bang… (perhaps you can tell how he overheard for a bit longer paragraph)

“John!” the shrill voice of my teacher interrupting my thoughts. (The shrill voice of my teacher inturupted my thoughts OR the she voice of the teacher was inturputing my thoughts)

“y..y.yes?” I said questioning. (Y-y-yes?)

“are you feeling ok? because you don’t look so good” she said with just a hint of concern. "ever since last week you have been… distracted, and looking terrible; are you sure you’re ok, that there is nothing I can do to help.?”

"Are you.....? You.... ," she said with a hint of concern. (CAN BE concern,"Ever since...." or ."Ever since last week you have been distracted and looking terrible. Are you sure you're OK? Is there anything I can do to help?"

“I’m fine” I lied, wishing to have the courage to tell her the truth. (this is fine)

“Don’t let all of the end of school excitement get to your head, it isn’t over yet.” (that is the perfect line to trigger something in his mind....

I love the idea.... no title suggestions. Very good!
[/b]





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