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Life,Death,and Love(working title)

by Vannah[Was All She Wrote]


Preface:Salem is different from most people,by both her name and occupation.Different is all she has ever known.But,today is just a normal day at work............

"Morning Ray,"I announced as I walked into the building."Good morning,Miss Salem,"he replies.For some reason he loves to say my name.Most people avoid saying it;they must think it will put an evil spell or curse on them.

Ray is a short,44 year-old black man,who handles all of the paper work in the office.I,on the other hand,take care of the patients.

"How many do we have today?"I ask without looking up."Two,"he replies."I'll take Mrs.Thompson first,since I didn't get to finish with her yesterday."

"Alright,if you need anything,you know where to find me."I smile."Thanks,Ray."

I look up at the clock and it says 9:22.I make my way to the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee.

As I walk out of the room I take a sip.I then walk into what I call my "office" and pull out drawer #5.

There is Mrs.Thompson,right where I left her.Most people think being a mortician is a disgusting job,but it's not so bad.I could never understand why people are so afraid of the dead.

What do you think so far?Any advice?I know it's a little rough.I'll add the rest of the story later.


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Wed Sep 16, 2020 6:58 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well that was...interesting. That I think is the best word to be summing this one up at the moment. It has a pretty interesting message that it is trying to say and it appears to be something that could really be quite a fun concept but then its also slightly as you put it rough...it needs to be gilded with a bit more description and a proper lot. At this point it is like a half completed prologue at best.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Preface:Salem is different from most people,by both her name and occupation.Different is all she has ever known.But,today is just a normal day at work............


Okay that is slightly confusing there. It seems like that three line paragraph is the preface but then there is nothing to really let s know if the next part is the actual story. So I would suggest making that clearer. And as far as prefaces go that's a pretty good one. Fairly catchy and suitably vague.

"Morning Ray,"I announced as I walked into the building."Good morning,Miss Salem,"he replies.For some reason he loves to say my name.Most people avoid saying it;they must think it will put an evil spell or curse on them.


Well that does not seem like a nice problem to have. And that's also nice little bit of information about the character there and what she faces usually. Good job introducing that.

Ray is a short,44 year-old black man,who handles all of the paper work in the office.I,on the other hand,take care of the patients.


Okay acceptable amount of telling there. Hopefully this is all there is for the whole thing.

"Alright,if you need anything,you know where to find me."I smile."Thanks,Ray."


Okay that seems like it should two separate paragraphs there because you usually write dialogue in separate paragraphs everytime someone new speaks which is what I think is happening hear although the lack of dialogue tags makes it a little hard to be certain of at.

There is Mrs.Thompson,right where I left her.Most people think being a mortician is a disgusting job,but it's not so bad.I could never understand why people are so afraid of the dead.


Well now that doesn't really seem like an actual ending there. Its a little abrupt. I know you mentioned this was incomplete but even a part should have a slightly ending kind of feel to it and this one just didn't quite strike me as an ending. But it is definitely a very interesting thought that you have presented there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: As far as the way that the ideas are presented goes its been done pretty well. We get a sense of the personality of this lady and how other people interact with her and also a bit about how she thinks. All of those are good things to be having in a story so that's all pretty nice to see. If you extend this a little and puff it up it could be the start of something really good and I hope to run into the rest of the story if you did actually post it.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Mon Dec 15, 2008 3:37 am
Hopeless-Dreams says...



hhaha okay.
anyways i didn't find much wrong.
try to make it more detailed though.
it almost looks like you have a base for a good preface.
try to make it a little longer. when you write a preface or a
prologue you want to catch the readers attention.
maybe add little bits and see how it fits in.




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Mon Dec 15, 2008 3:34 am



I'll try spacing it out more.
You arne't being harsh.Any advice you can give is great.
I promise, the romance is coming soon.




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Mon Dec 15, 2008 3:29 am
Hopeless-Dreams wrote a review...



its not ban an okay start.
i don't really see any romance though yet.
maybe try to bring that in.
and well i thing i find really wrong is that you don't put spaces after your comas and periods.
its not bad but not really proper grammar.
and it makes it harder for the reader to read it.
Also you are writing in first person so really put her emotions in.
get the reader to really connect to the character.
it a good start though (sorry if i said anything harsh...)





Beware of advice—even this.
— Carl Sandburg