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Writing to Show

by PandyBear528


So I did this is for a school assignment. Review and tell me what you think. The objective was the show that she character is scared, not say it.

Sweat formed on my palms as I looked up. My legs went to jelly and I couldn’t seem to make them move. Looking into the eyes of what was in front of me made my heart turn cold and drop to the pit of my stomach.

The aroma in the tiny room reminded me of a meat store. The kind that has all raw meat, turkey and anything else you could cook. It made me want to gag.

My brain couldn’t cooperate correctly to say the words to help me actuate my legs. Left, right, left, right. How hard was that?

My bones melted and my jaw went slack. The sound coming from the other’s mouth was something I never dreamed possible. Sweat beads dripped down my forehead; you could almost hear them hit the ground.

I shut my eyes to shield them from this awful picture as a cold hand rested gently on my shoulder.

REVIEW PLEASE :)


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Wed Sep 16, 2020 7:12 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: I daresay you have done exactly what you wanted to do. You definitely do a really good job of showing someone that is petrified with fear and there's definitely a really nice sense that something really bad is about to happen. The descriptions were all mostly really good except for a couple that caught my attention as being slightly off and I'll point those out down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Sweat formed on my palms as I looked up. My legs went to jelly and I couldn’t seem to make them move. Looking into the eyes of what was in front of me made my heart turn cold and drop to the pit of my stomach.


Well yup that one definitely does give a pretty good idea that this person is quite terrified. All the classic symptoms of being terrified have been mentioned here and they are all pretty accurate at least from what I know.

The aroma in the tiny room reminded me of a meat store. The kind that has all raw meat, turkey and anything else you could cook. It made me want to gag.


Okayy interesting choice of smell because it does really depend on what sort of raw meat and how old it is before you can really try to compare what kind of smell it has. Maybe to convey the gagging part you could mention that its like old meat or rotten meat because that would get the message across a lot clearer than this current thing would.

My brain couldn’t cooperate correctly to say the words to help me actuate my legs. Left, right, left, right. How hard was that?


actuate seems like an unnecessarily complicated word to be adding in there. I mean something as simple as move would do the job and just be a lot better especially in scary situations because you don't want a word like that distracting someone from the story because they don't know what it means.

My bones melted and my jaw went slack. The sound coming from the other’s mouth was something I never dreamed possible. Sweat beads dripped down my forehead; you could almost hear them hit the ground.


Umm....bones melted? Not sure what this is supposed to indicate. The rest of it is pretty good though.

I shut my eyes to shield them from this awful picture as a cold hand rested gently on my shoulder.


And we have ourselves a lovely little cliffhanger. That is definitely a really nice place to be ending this story for maximum scariness.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think you definitely achieved what you set out to do although as a story this one doesn't really have a plot or anything so not much else for me to really comment on. All I'll say is good job, you did pretty good except for the couple of places that I pointed out above. And that's about all that I have to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Thu Dec 11, 2008 2:10 am
KailaMarie says...



I agree. It was well done discriptive wise, but I don't really know what's going on. Add more to it.




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Thu Dec 11, 2008 1:59 am
Stori says...



I'll tell you something I've been told: write more to this. It's very hard to critique something that's only a paragraph long. That being said, you did a good job showing the character's fear.





You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.
— Uncle Iroh