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Untitled dream

by Canada'sGotMyHeart


What do you think so far?

* Note the spaced lines are because I do not have a name for the main male character yet.

:roll:

“Cora, Cora you’re going to get me caught,” I whispered to the wolf hybrid canine in front of me. She had followed me behind the old rust stained metallic shed within the underground lair. Now she was here pacing back and forth, her grayish coat bristle at the edges, nudging Xav her mate. He who seemed unwillingly non alert suddenly looked towards the opening leading to the shed. Jagged dagger ready I stroked forward, and suddenly stopped, almost attacking my assailant (Tefa).

“Tefa you idiot, I could have killed you.” I could see __ laughing in the background, as I pushed back my friend and made my way towards him. Ruffling his hair, I lightly smacked him behind the head.

“You and your clowning will get us killed one of these days. But let’s get out of here; I have a bad feeling about this place.” Looking back at Tefa the two of us slowly exited the underground building. Presumed to be inhabited, for some unknown reason it was vacant. I was not about to stick around, for I could feel a presence watching us. I nudged my companion beside me pointing to a small rundown shack.

“We can stay there for the night. Until daybreak... Then we’re getting the hell out of here.” __laughed behind me scooping me up and heading for the door. Tefa chuckling in the distance went off to find some wood for the poorly made fireplace. The room was littered in dust. Cobwebs hung from the fireplace, although the small one bedroom was fairly intact. Crimson sheets layered the bed, and also two small wooden nigh tables sat beside it. I should have known then that this place was inhabited.

__finally letting me down started to further inspect the almost livable room. I watched him from the safety of the doorway, readying in case of an attack. His black hair clinging to his for head from the mission, grey eyes scanning the room he sighed, and I sat next to him. Putting his arm around me, his other hand smoothed threw my dark blue hair, as I sighed with contentment from his warmth. Staying at him with questioning brown eyes I began to worry. Tefa had not returned.

“You are worrying too much princessa. Everything is fine, we are safe for now.”

That’s what he always called me his little princess. Of course that wasn’t my real name, no that is Naia (Na - eye – a). We had grown close over the years of the attacks. He being the only one who could calm my nerves, putting aside his eccentric nature. At that moment my thoughts were shattered as something slammed into the nearby window. Nerves on end, both and I jumped to our feet, and ran out of the shack.

Seeing a figure lying on the ground I treaded forward. There he was our guide and friend, Tefa. I nudged him trying to notice if he sustained life. He was dead as I kneeled over him. I brushed back his shortly trimmed dark brown hair and whisper into his ear. “I will find who did this Tefa, and I will kill him.”


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Wed Sep 16, 2020 6:48 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This seemed like a pretty cool little excerpt or possibly a prologue to what could be a pretty exciting novel. I loved the dynamic that you presented between these characters. You could easily tell that they were definitely pretty good friends and that ending that you put on there was just really amazing and just left us on such a perfect point to act as a cliffhanger and a hook for potential readers.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Cora, Cora you’re going to get me caught,” I whispered to the wolf hybrid canine in front of me. She had followed me behind the old rust stained metallic shed within the underground lair. Now she was here pacing back and forth, her grayish coat bristle at the edges, nudging Xav her mate. He who seemed unwillingly non alert suddenly looked towards the opening leading to the shed. Jagged dagger ready I stroked forward, and suddenly stopped, almost attacking my assailant (Tefa).


Well that was an interesting way to start there. Definitely a nice little establishing shot of the setting and the characters involved in here also adding in some other details so I would say this is a pretty decent start. The little bit of description that you had was also pretty nice there.

“Tefa you idiot, I could have killed you.” I could see __ laughing in the background, as I pushed back my friend and made my way towards him. Ruffling his hair, I lightly smacked him behind the head.


Well that's interesting. Now they seem all friendly after casually just threatening to kill each other.

“You and your clowning will get us killed one of these days. But let’s get out of here; I have a bad feeling about this place.” Looking back at Tefa the two of us slowly exited the underground building. Presumed to be inhabited, for some unknown reason it was vacant. I was not about to stick around, for I could feel a presence watching us. I nudged my companion beside me pointing to a small rundown shack.


Okay that line in the middle is a little weird. Its as if we suddenly just magically switch to like a narrator POV and mention this generic comment because it really doesn't seem to be something that belongs in that paragraph. It could have easily been integrated a little bit more smoothly into their dialogue or this character's thoughts. Right now its just slightly off.

“We can stay there for the night. Until daybreak... Then we’re getting the hell out of here.” __laughed behind me scooping me up and heading for the door. Tefa chuckling in the distance went off to find some wood for the poorly made fireplace. The room was littered in dust. Cobwebs hung from the fireplace, although the small one bedroom was fairly intact. Crimson sheets layered the bed, and also two small wooden nigh tables sat beside it. I should have known then that this place was inhabited.


That is a really nice description that you've got right there.

“You are worrying too much princessa. Everything is fine, we are safe for now.”


Slight misspelling there, should be princess.
That’s what he always called me his little princess. Of course that wasn’t my real name, no that is Naia (Na - eye – a). We had grown close over the years of the attacks. He being the only one who could calm my nerves, putting aside his eccentric nature. At that moment my thoughts were shattered as something slammed into the nearby window. Nerves on end, both and I jumped to our feet, and ran out of the shack.


Whoa nice little jump scare type situation there.

Seeing a figure lying on the ground I treaded forward. There he was our guide and friend, Tefa. I nudged him trying to notice if he sustained life. He was dead as I kneeled over him. I brushed back his shortly trimmed dark brown hair and whisper into his ear. “I will find who did this Tefa, and I will kill him.”


Oooh this is a killer start to a story. A wonderful little prologue of sorts or like a cold open. It sets up what I assume will be the plot and then the motivation for said plot and the main characters pretty well. I would certainly have continued to read this to see what happens.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this is a really good piece and I loved the story that you've created here. I would definitely have read on if you had any more parts of this and in fact I will actually probably go searching for more parts of this should such parts actually exist.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Sun Dec 14, 2008 9:01 pm
Hopeless-Dreams wrote a review...



Well Hello there,

I must say that would an interesting dream. i wish mine were like that....

Anyway i thought it was a good start and if you posted anymore, i would read them, i want to know who killed Tefa. I found somewhat confusing though. Try to get her thought to think about the dangers that are everywhere. I fond this story a little confusing. Maybe you could somehow describe what was going on a little better. Try to go into to detail on how everything looks around her. Go into detail. it is in first person so try try to get into her head. Think about her surroundings and what is going on in her life at the moment. Why are people getting killed? And all that stuff.

Great start though excited to read more!





A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown