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Quick story.

by goldilocks182


Just the beginning to a new story. Probably needs a few changes making, but thought I'd post non the less.

Lindsay sat herself down at her desk, her books spread out in front of her, and not a thing making sense to her. She glanced into the mirror in front of her, seeing a plain, boring girl in front of her, as usual. She pulled out a single strand of her dry, bland, yellow hair. She stroked her cheek slowly, wondering why she couldn’t be much prettier. All she saw was an ordinary girl looking back at her, no matter what she did with her hair, or what expression she had on her face, she was still ordinary. At family gatherings, relatives would coo over her, ‘she’s such a sensible girl’ ‘top of the class again’. On the other hand, there was Maria. Lindsay’s sister. A glimpse of what perfection looked like. Golden blonde hair, gleaming blue eyes and a perfect smile. Textbook beautiful girl. Guys flocking around her, best friend to everyone and butter wouldn’t melt looks. It sounds so clichéd writing it down, but it was the truth. Lindsay pulled open the front cover of her English book and skipped a few pages in. She read through the beginning of her essay.

‘A small insight into the world according to Lindsay. I opened my eyes, not even slightly bothered by the bright light creeping to my room. One look at the clock and I was wide awake. 7.30, just enough time to get ready and have a morning coffee. Walking through the small gap that separated my room from my sisters, I coughed loudly, before tapping her on the shoulder and switching her light on. I heard a moan from under the covers, and Maria’s head popped up at the wrong end of her bed. It was first thing in the morning and her hair was already golden blonde with bouncy curls, she looked perfect, as usual. Walking back into my own room, I quickly got changed into my school uniform and packed my bag, with all my homework and correct books for the day, knowing that Maria wouldn’t be bothered with school work. I knew that on the other side of the wall there was my twin sister, straightening her hair frantically while trying to find the right shade of mascara to go with her bag while blasting The Jonas Brother’s new CD and texting her friends, whom she would be seeing in just an hour or two.’

Lindsay read through it several times, nodding and making a few changes. It had to be perfect. Even though it hadn’t been set as homework, Lindsay was still prepared to spend hours working on it, reviewing every word, period and sentence and making it perfect. It was easy to see that Lindsay’s idea of perfection was reflected in her school work.


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Wed Sep 16, 2020 6:28 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this one was a little weird to me. It seemed like it was trying to do maybe too many things at once as it juggled back and forth between showing Lindsay's life was and then there were snippets of a normal morning routine with the sisters. And because of this that ending also felt kind of weird and abrupt. Sorry for being a little negative at the start but that's the way things appear to be on first glance.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Lindsay sat herself down at her desk, her books spread out in front of her, and not a thing making sense to her. She glanced into the mirror in front of her, seeing a plain, boring girl in front of her, as usual. She pulled out a single strand of her dry, bland, yellow hair. She stroked her cheek slowly, wondering why she couldn’t be much prettier. All she saw was an ordinary girl looking back at her, no matter what she did with her hair, or what expression she had on her face, she was still ordinary. At family gatherings, relatives would coo over her, ‘she’s such a sensible girl’ ‘top of the class again’. On the other hand, there was Maria. Lindsay’s sister. A glimpse of what perfection looked like. Golden blonde hair, gleaming blue eyes and a perfect smile. Textbook beautiful girl. Guys flocking around her, best friend to everyone and butter wouldn’t melt looks. It sounds so clichéd writing it down, but it was the truth. Lindsay pulled open the front cover of her English book and skipped a few pages in. She read through the beginning of her essay.


Well that one was pretty interesting right there. I have to say its pretty much just full on unashamed cliche there because of the use of that mirror and then the problem that this girl appears to be facing. The two characters introduced also appear to be just stereotypes personified right there and that's not a bad thing essentially, they can definitely work in a story when used correctly but I just thought I'd point it out in case writing these cliched characters was not your intention. I know you mention how it is cliched in the story as well but I thought I'd just point out the stereotypes too along with the fact that calling attention to the cliched doesn't necessarily excuse something that is cliched. :)

‘A small insight into the world according to Lindsay. I opened my eyes, not even slightly bothered by the bright light creeping to my room. One look at the clock and I was wide awake. 7.30, just enough time to get ready and have a morning coffee. Walking through the small gap that separated my room from my sisters, I coughed loudly, before tapping her on the shoulder and switching her light on. I heard a moan from under the covers, and Maria’s head popped up at the wrong end of her bed. It was first thing in the morning and her hair was already golden blonde with bouncy curls, she looked perfect, as usual. Walking back into my own room, I quickly got changed into my school uniform and packed my bag, with all my homework and correct books for the day, knowing that Maria wouldn’t be bothered with school work. I knew that on the other side of the wall there was my twin sister, straightening her hair frantically while trying to find the right shade of mascara to go with her bag while blasting The Jonas Brother’s new CD and texting her friends, whom she would be seeing in just an hour or two.’


Well that seems like entirely too many things for a human being to be doing at the same time but on the other hand this is a pretty nice little description of three sisters getting ready to leave for school. You can see their contrasting personalities and it just seems like a pretty realistic scene.

Lindsay read through it several times, nodding and making a few changes. It had to be perfect. Even though it hadn’t been set as homework, Lindsay was still prepared to spend hours working on it, reviewing every word, period and sentence and making it perfect. It was easy to see that Lindsay’s idea of perfection was reflected in her school work.


Okay the ending was slightly repetitive somewhat because you should probably have just showed the fact that she cares and then left it to us to come to the conclusion that she likes things to be perfect. Other than that the ending was also slightly abrupt like they were getting ready for school then we mention Lindsay's character traits and cut...It would be more natural to end with them leaving or something like that.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think when you did your two separate things they were both executed really well its just how you meshed between these descriptions and then the normal scene that make them a little weird and a bit off. If you could fix that slightly confusing order there and make it more cohesive it would really make for a pretty awesome piece.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Wed Dec 03, 2008 3:05 am
PerpetualBhridge wrote a review...



Hi! I really liked this beginning, just a few nitpicks:

Guys flocking around her, best friend to everyone and butter wouldn’t melt looks.


Guys flocking around her, best friend to everyone. Butter wouldn't melt her looks

or

...best friend to everyone and butter-wouldn't-melt looks.

It's a lot less awkward of a sentence, flows better. It's a clever sentence, but it was weirdly put, hard to concentrate on the actual text, you had to decipher first.

...she was still ordinary. At family gatherings, relatives would coo over her, ‘she’s such a sensible girl’ ‘top of the class again’. On the other hand, there was Maria. Lindsay’s sister. A glimpse of what perfection looked like. Golden blonde hair...


after 'she was still ordinary', I think you need a new paragraph. It's easier to read and sounds much better with more frequent paragraphs. Try to make your one paragraph into three or four.

It was easy to see that Lindsay’s idea of perfection was reflected in her school work.


Ooh, this is kind of a no-no in writing. Readers don't want to be told exactly what is happening or exactly what a character does or is like, it needs to be shown to them. It's also stating the obvious, you said in the previous sentence that she is a perfectionist, without actually saying it, which was good.

You have a few, well, not run-ons exactly, but an overuse of commas. I mean, don't get me wrong I am a serious lover of commas, I do this too, but the sentences just read and feel awkward, it really takes away from the story.


Great job, though! This story has serious potential. It comes off as kind of a cliche, but the way tou set it up is really interesting, I can tell you'll do it justice. I really like how Lindsay was writing, I think I'll like your MC. I do hope you'll expand on Lindsay and her sister's characters though, they seem a bit bland at the moment, but I can see Lindsay becoming a good character. Maria, so far, needs some work. Maybe it's too early to tell, but becuase of the traits you've already given her, it'll be extra hard to make Maria different from anyone else's character, just a heads up.

Hmm, not my best review. I think I'm having trouble because this was such a short excerpt...

Anyway, awesome story so far, I'd love to read/critique more! pm me , if you can, when you update. :)





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