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War Never Changes (Start of short story?)

by Commando588


Hey guys! Just wanted to know what you thought about the story below. Needs some work I suppose, but wanted to know if the concept is good. haha. Is it even in the write category?

Thanks!

Claustrophobic dust completely overwhelmed any living creature residing in its powerful clutch. Sinking low as it swept across the cold unforgiving planet, the commanding mixture of molten rock and plastic liquid smothered anything that remained alive. Scolding heat was the only emotion in any human beings mind; the pain restricting any future mans dreams. Creatures that where once referred to as “living” became nothing more then riving monsters, and luckier for a man to die then to endure such agony. Only seconds before, the sand of mother earth rested peacefully, undisturbed. Now the shells of once living creatures lay, horrifically resembling those of ancient monsters, who long ago, where buried by wind and time.

Never during the entire occurrence did any human being deny his participation in such a cataclysmic event. Politics resulted in nothing, and politicians, like everyone else, stared into the distance, watching regretfully as small metal objects streaked across the desolate sky. Despite all effort, the politicians were helpless to render the powerful machines of war inert.

With a powerful combination of nuclear chemistry and physics, the steal-plated shells detonated hundreds of feet above major urban regions, crushing the lungs of man, and leaving him gasping for clean atmosphere. The human race lay motionless, struck back by the sudden change of landscape.

Not killed, but simply wounded, the human race slowly crawled out from their hiding place among the scattered rocks. Shocked by their evil, they frowned upon the chaos they caused, and for a while the human race resided in peace; but as time went, humans forgot the heresy they had committed, and soon repeated the same mistakes that their grandfathers paid dearly for. Once again, man found his place among the crushed stones of mother earth, and if now, greater then ever before, I understand any one subject fully…

War never changes. Evil never changes.

Man never changes.

Sincerely,

--Time Passed


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Wed Sep 16, 2020 6:02 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this seems like it is a pretty sad little story that you've got going on here. It appears to refer to some kind of very destructive weapon being created by scientists who don't know better and donates it which devastates most of the humans before the humans themselves get back on their feet and try to learn from past mistakes. And that right there is pretty decent message that you've got there and it works out really well in the way that the story is presented.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Claustrophobic dust completely overwhelmed any living creature residing in its powerful clutch. Sinking low as it swept across the cold unforgiving planet, the commanding mixture of molten rock and plastic liquid smothered anything that remained alive. Scolding heat was the only emotion in any human beings mind; the pain restricting any future mans dreams. Creatures that where once referred to as “living” became nothing more then riving monsters, and luckier for a man to die then to endure such agony. Only seconds before, the sand of mother earth rested peacefully, undisturbed. Now the shells of once living creatures lay, horrifically resembling those of ancient monsters, who long ago, where buried by wind and time.


Oh WOW. That is quite the start that you have got there. It looks like a whole bunch of things have gone wrong here and there is some really awesome description there to help visualize all of it. A wonderful and a really strong point to be starting off a story with there. Sets up some pretty extreme after the apocalypse style vibes there right away.

Never during the entire occurrence did any human being deny his participation in such a cataclysmic event. Politics resulted in nothing, and politicians, like everyone else, stared into the distance, watching regretfully as small metal objects streaked across the desolate sky. Despite all effort, the politicians were helpless to render the powerful machines of war inert.


Well it looks like somehow some people did survive that massive disaster and that is such a nice visual again that you've managed to create. Its got some really amazing things packed in there with the message that it is also trying to convey to us at the same time.

With a powerful combination of nuclear chemistry and physics, the steal-plated shells detonated hundreds of feet above major urban regions, crushing the lungs of man, and leaving him gasping for clean atmosphere. The human race lay motionless, struck back by the sudden change of landscape.


Okay at this point it got maybe just a little repetitive because it sounds exactly the same as the first paragraph did. I feel this should either be combined with the first paragraph or taken out entirely

Not killed, but simply wounded, the human race slowly crawled out from their hiding place among the scattered rocks. Shocked by their evil, they frowned upon the chaos they caused, and for a while the human race resided in peace; but as time went, humans forgot the heresy they had committed, and soon repeated the same mistakes that their grandfathers paid dearly for. Once again, man found his place among the crushed stones of mother earth, and if now, greater then ever before, I understand any one subject fully…


Well that was a pretty cool place to end things with something having been learned from the destruction of so much. Another nice and almost poetic visual that you've created there for the readers.

War never changes. Evil never changes.

Man never changes.


And a pretty chilling conclusion there delivered very effectively using some great formatting.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall it was done pretty well. I really loved how they built up to that ending and then just that overall rather chilling conclusion to the piece made it a lot of fun. It was maybe somewhat confusing in some of the ares where it got maybe just a little repetitive when talking about the bomb but that is the one thing that I have to point out. :)

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Science is the key to our future, and if you don’t believe in science, then you’re holding everybody back. And it’s fine if you as an adult want to run around pretending or claiming that you don’t believe in evolution, but if we educate a generation of people who don’t believe in science, that’s a recipe for disaster. We talk about the Internet. That comes from science. Weather forecasting. That comes from science. The main idea in all of biology is evolution. To not teach it to our young people is wrong.
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