Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Action / Adventure


Powers ::3::

by Raimunda


A.N My third character, Subject 4. I've tried to make all the characters really different to each other. This has to be one of my favourites. I like his power.

"Tom, I'd like you to look around, and count how many you can see in this room." the Doctor spoke calmly and clearly.

Tom raised his head, and peered around the room.

"Ten."

Dr Markus nodded, and noted something down in his notepad. Tom shifted uncomfortably in his chair, looking around the room; he noted how ugly it was, with the white wash walls and plastic furniture. The entire institution was the same. It just made a depressing place even more depressing.

"Okay, Tom. Now, where are they?"

"There's one behind you," Tom replied, "And three by the window. Two of them are laughing at the painting on the wall, the one of the old man on the swing. One is sat leaning against the far wall, and another two are by the bookcase. One of them is pulling faces behind your back."

The Doctor shirted uncomfortably, and jotted something else down in his notepad.

"Okay. Okay. Yes, that's all for today, Tom, you can go back to your room."

Tom stood up quickly, and left the room. He found his sister, Sarah, waiting in the white corridor outside.

"When are you getting out?" she asked him, instantly.

Tom shrugged. "Never." He walked quickly down the lino floor of the hallway, and Sarah ran to catch up.

"Seriously, Tom, I can't be doing with you in this Mad House any longer, its freaky. I don't get why you're even doing it. You know full well you aren't insane."

"I know I'm not insane."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "So if you aren't insane, why don't you just say something and get the hell out of here? Why bother staying in a Mental home when you aren't mental?"

"You don't understand."

"No, Tom, I don't! You expect me to understand that you think you can see dead people? How could I possibly understand that?"

"I didn't say you would."

Sarah grabbed his shoulders as he started walking away from her. She looked at him angrily, eyes blazing, her black hair tied back into a high ponytail. He stared back steadily, with the same grey eyes, his own black hair cropped short.

"Tom, this is not fair. Mum is going crazy, and Dad hasn't come home from work for about three days. This stupid stunt you're pulling, it's ripping out family apart, and its not funny."

Tom pulled away. "You think I meant that to happen?"

Sarah bit her lip.

"You think I want this? I can't help it, Sarah, it's just who I am! I was happy to stay at home, I know there's nothing wrong with me. It wasn't my choice to come here, it was Mum and Dad's. I'm not trying to make things hard, but it's not my fault that none of you believe me. I can see them, they're everywhere, hundreds and thousands of them, millions, and the only thing I ever did wrong was to be able to. It's not my fault you can't."

She shook her head. "I don't get you. I don't get you at all." He voice raised, as she flapped her arms through the air, "look, here I am, how come I can't feel anything? If this whole place if full of the dead, how come I can't feel them?"

Tom didn't reply, and Sarah glared at him.

"I really hate you, Tom," was all she said, before she walked away from him.

"I'm sorry, Sarah," he called after her. She shot him a v, and he watched as she swung the doors at the end of the corridor. They slammed shut after her.

Slowly, he walked down the corridor, apparently alone, but in reality, accompanied by just a couple of people, who whispered to him soothing words. It seemed to Tom that the only people who cared about him, were dead.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
985 Reviews


Points: 111450
Reviews: 985

Donate
Sun Nov 22, 2020 3:03 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this was an interesting one. I'm a little curious if this was meant to be a short story or if its perhaps the start to a larger novel. If its a novel this would be a great opening, for a story it feels a little incomplete and doesn't seem to tell us anything.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Tom, I'd like you to look around, and count how many you can see in this room." the Doctor spoke calmly and clearly.

Tom raised his head, and peered around the room.


Well, starting off with some dialogue, well let's see how this goes on. Not the most intriguing bits of dialogue though, a little too vague to really get anyone's attention but isn't boring either so that's a plus.

Dr Markus nodded, and noted something down in his notepad. Tom shifted uncomfortably in his chair, looking around the room; he noted how ugly it was, with the white wash walls and plastic furniture. The entire institution was the same. It just made a depressing place even more depressing.


Well that's a pretty decent description.

"Okay. Okay. Yes, that's all for today, Tom, you can go back to your room."

Tom stood up quickly, and left the room. He found his sister, Sarah, waiting in the white corridor outside.

"When are you getting out?" she asked him, instantly.

Tom shrugged. "Never." He walked quickly down the lino floor of the hallway, and Sarah ran to catch up.


Oh dear, you can't be that negative Tom, learn to be a little more positive in life.

"Seriously, Tom, I can't be doing with you in this Mad House any longer, its freaky. I don't get why you're even doing it. You know full well you aren't insane."

"I know I'm not insane."


We all know that we are not insane....or do we??

"No, Tom, I don't! You expect me to understand that you think you can see dead people? How could I possibly understand that?"

"I didn't say you would."


Oh come on, seeing dead people is very easy to understand...says an actual dead person, namely me.

"Tom, this is not fair. Mum is going crazy, and Dad hasn't come home from work for about three days. This stupid stunt you're pulling, it's ripping out family apart, and its not funny."

Tom pulled away. "You think I meant that to happen?"


Oh dear well things are even more serious...but then why is this Sarah also in this insane asylum thing? Is she visiting because if so it doesn't sound that way.

"You think I want this? I can't help it, Sarah, it's just who I am! I was happy to stay at home, I know there's nothing wrong with me. It wasn't my choice to come here, it was Mum and Dad's. I'm not trying to make things hard, but it's not my fault that none of you believe me. I can see them, they're everywhere, hundreds and thousands of them, millions, and the only thing I ever did wrong was to be able to. It's not my fault you can't."


Well that is a horrible place to be in as a person, definitely.

"I'm sorry, Sarah," he called after her. She shot him a v, and he watched as she swung the doors at the end of the corridor. They slammed shut after her.

Slowly, he walked down the corridor, apparently alone, but in reality, accompanied by just a couple of people, who whispered to him soothing words. It seemed to Tom that the only people who cared about him, were dead.


Well that's quite an amazingly emotional line to be ending things on.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Well this was certainly an interesting story that you've got here. If it is a novel and there are other parts I would definitely have read them. Anyways that's all I've got.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
168 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 168

Donate
Sun Jun 08, 2008 9:41 pm
scasha wrote a review...



Hey Raimunda! Welcome to YWS! You're post looked kind of lonley :(

Anyways here's my crit key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words/sentences/punctuation that I've inserted.

Raimunda wrote:A.N My third character, Subject 4. I've tried to make all the characters really different to each other. This has to be one of my favourites. I like his power.




"Tom, I'd like you to look around, and count how many How many what? you can see in this room." the Doctor spoke calmly and clearly.

Tom raised his head, and peered around the room.

"Ten."

Dr Markus nodded, and noted something down in his notepad. Tom shifted uncomfortably in his chair, looking around the room; Period instead of a semicolon. He noted how ugly it was, with the white wash walls and plastic furniture. The entire institution was the same. It just made a depressing place even more morbid [s]depressing[/s].

"Okay, Tom. Now, where are they?"

"There's one behind you," Tom replied, "And three by the window. Two of them are laughing at the painting on the wall, the one of the old man on the swing. One is [s]sat[/s] leaning against the far wall, and another two are by the bookcase. One of them is pulling faces behind your back."

The Doctor shifted uncomfortably, and jotted something else down in his notepad.

"Okay. Okay. Yes, that's all for today, Tom, you can go back to your room."

Tom stood up quickly, and left the room. He found his sister, Sarah, waiting in the white corridor outside.

"When are you getting out?" she asked him, instantly.

Tom shrugged. "Never." He walked quickly down the linoleum floor of the hallway, and Sarah ran to catch up.

"Seriously, Tom, I can't be doing I didn't really understand this sentence. Rewrite it to make it more clear. What can't she be doing? with you in this Mad House any longer, it's freaky. I don't get why you're even doing it. You know full well you aren't insane."

"I know I'm not insane."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "So if you aren't insane, why don't you just say something and get the hell out of here? Why bother staying in a Mental home when you aren't mental?"

"You don't understand."

"No, Tom, I don't! You expect me to understand that you think you can see dead people? How could I possibly understand that?"

"I didn't say you would."

Sarah grabbed his shoulders as he started walking away from her. She looked at him angrily, her eyes blazing, her black hair tied back into a high ponytail. He stared back steadily, with the same grey eyes, his own black hair cropped short. Twins?

"Tom, this is not fair. Mum is going crazy, and Dad hasn't come home from work for about three days. This stupid stunt you're pulling, it's ripping our family apart, and it's not funny."

Tom pulled away. "You think I meant that to happen?"

Sarah bit her lip.

"You think I want this? I can't help it, Sarah, it's just who I am! I was happy to stay at home, I know there's nothing wrong with me. It wasn't my choice to come here, it was Mum and Dad's. I'm not trying to make things hard, but it's not my fault that none of you believe me. I can see them, they're everywhere, hundreds and thousands of them, millions, and the only thing I ever did wrong was to be able to acknowledge them This sentence was incomplete. I tried to fix it but if you didn't like what I did, you don't have to use it . It's not my fault you can't."

She shook her head. "I don't get you. I don't get you at all." He voice raised, [s]as she flapped her arms through the air[/s] Sounded a little out of place , "look, here I am, how come I can't feel anything? If this whole place if full of the dead, how come I can't feel them?"

Tom didn't reply, and Sarah glared at him.

"I really hate you, Tom," was all she said, Take out this comma before she walked away from him.

"I'm sorry, Sarah," he called after her. She shot him a v I think you meant vicious glance but you didn't finish it , and he watched as she swung through the doors at the end of the corridor. They slammed shut [s]after[/s] behind her.

Slowly, he walked down the corridor, apparently alone, but in reality, accompanied by [s]just[/s] a couple of people, who whispered to him soothing words. It seemed to Tom that the only people who cared about him, were dead.


Overall Comments:

Wow!
This was great! I loved it! Your characters kick butt and your story seems very interesting. All th things that I pointed out were just nitpicks. I would like you to describe the scene a little more because I had trouble picturing exactly what was going on. Also, why was his sister there? Did she come to pick him up/ how did she get in? Just watch out for your comma placement and also finishing your thoughts. There were a couple of sentence fragments that I fixed.

Also, I think you might get more reviews on this fantastic piece if you change the title. It's a little too overwhelming with all the numbers.

Other than that, well done! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!





Resistance is futile.
— The Borg