Greetings! I have come to review for you. As always, I will be reviewing as I read. Here goes!
So the opening line I felt was just a little weak. Using the word "was" in a first sentence kind of slows things down. Perhaps try a more action-filled first sentence, or rearrange the sentences so that the part about the character looking into the darkness comes first.
Now onto the next part. The eyes, the smile, the odd fatherly warmth. That was quite unexpected and definitely sparked interest right there from the first paragraph. Excellent job with that!
Somehow, I really like this sentence. I guess it sort of gives off these dark, ominous vibes that match what you were describing earlier. At first I thought the transition from the dream to reality was a little abrupt, but then as I reread it I reconsidered. I think I actually like that because it's as abrupt as waking up from a dream can be. However, I do recommend that you enhance the dream just a little as I wasn't done really visualizing the scene before it was already over and the character woke up. Maybe add just a few more details to lengthen the dream slightly?Even after waking, he still saw darkness.
Oh, wow. So he's in confinement. Interesting. Now the other thing that interests me is the color of these chains. They aren't silver or iron. They're gold. Is that just the color or is the character in a very royal prison? I think the former because of the terrible condition he is in.He now felt cold. Matthew tried to open his eyes, but they were tightly shut by golden chains that wrapped his whole body like a cocoon.
You did an AWESOME job describing how the character feels. The part about elevating the body off the floor with the chains is really great especially but I also imagine that to be very uncomfortable so many add that little detail? The part about the chains constricting his breath was both very realistic and very understandable. I greatly appreciated the way you wrote that as that was very easy to picture. The additional information about the smell of the place also adds a great idea of what it would be like to be in that chamber.
So now my next question (you lead your reader with questions which is a great tactic) I wonder if Matthew is insane and having hallucinations or if there is a force which he can see in the form of a weird smiling creating. And this warmth? What is it that causes this warmth?
I love the great detail you took to describe the guards picking up the character's body. Perhaps this character has some sort of power around him that makes these guards so afraid? Perhaps it is the fact that Matthew has not had a shower in who knows how long and probably doesn't smell particularly great? Either way, I'm intrigued by these guards' reaction to having to pick up the character.but slowly they picked up Matthew’s body from the ground. One guard took his right arm, another his left, and two more supported his legs and head.
Again, I love how you detailed strapping Matthew to the carriage and how the pain caused him to awaken.
Perhaps a bit of a nitpick, but I feel like describing their hearts racing is a little odd. Your main character appears to be Matthew, so suddenly directing such a personal detail toward some nameless side characters seems a little odd. Also, I felt like "gulped" was a little too repeated between this incidence and the last.They gulped, sweat trickling down their faces, and their hearts beat faster and faster.
So they ARE afraid of him! Well that of course opens me up to a new question; why?“I give you my word, he can't harm you,” the envoy said as he held up the letter sent by the Light
So, he's a demon, hm? Interesting. And now I want to know why he has blood leaking from his eyes and nails. Is it perhaps the incredibly tight chains causing blood to leak from any crevice it can find to escape? Or does this demon creature sweat blood?Matthew was writhing in pain, blood leaking from his eyes and nails. The chains tightened every spot on his body, making living itself hell.
This was an oddly creative way of describing how frail this woman looks. I like that!She looked like a person who could be blown away with a breath
This was an absolutely perfect ending. You leave this on a cliffhanger and once again pile more questions into the reader's mind. What is written on the paper?As he finished reading, a smile broke across his face, a smile full of malicious intent.
I also have to conclude with my thoughts about the plot. So, I now envision Matthew to be possessed or perhaps be a demon in and of himself. I imagine that he has been tormenting the town. Despite what ever terrors he causes, you create deep sympathy for the character as he is in such an uncomfortable situation and no one cares about him. My only fear is that perhaps this mistreatment will end up letting a very evil side of his get out...
Overall, the pacing was great! I didn't really lose interest at any point as you opened for me a new question with almost every paragraph which kept me reading! Also, I appreciate the short chapters. They are quick reads and easy to review so thanks for that
One last suggestion: I would put a gore warning on this and consider making this 12+ or 16+.
And that's it! Hope this review was helpful!
-Kaia
Points: 15124
Reviews: 171
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