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Chapter 8 The travel of self Part 1

by ThekingsAdvisor


Frostvale, 1120 of The Year of Light.

The road was filled with darkness; nothing was visible to Matthew. He looked around the perpetual darkness, but only darkness remained. He stared into the void intently, and two eyes appeared, staring back at him. Slowly, a smile emerged—a smile that gave off a weird warmth but at the same time a creepy feeling. Matthew felt the warmth reminiscent of hugging his father, yet he also felt the eeriness of the unknown. The being that now shared the same body with him. Matthew woke up abruptly.

Even after waking, he still saw darkness. The only indication that he was no longer dreaming was his surroundings. He now felt cold. Matthew tried to open his eyes, but they were tightly shut by golden chains that wrapped his whole body like a cocoon. His chains felt even more tightly tied. Not only did his whole body ache, but he also felt warm blood leaking from his wounds and wetting the wooden floor, intensifying the smell. The stench he unknowingly created now invaded his nose. Reflexively, Matthew tried to hold his nose to block the smell, but he couldn't as his hands were restrained.

Matthew lay on the floor, the chains on his back elevating him slightly, almost supporting him. He could feel his arms crossed on top of each other, piercing through his abdomen as they were tightly wrapped with golden chains. Warm blood poured from his eyes, mingling with tears. Matthew tried to breathe through both his mouth and nose, but he could only draw small puffs of air as the chains constricted his chest.

Matthew lay on the floor, fighting against death. Every passing minute caused his sanity to wane and brought death closer. In the midst of this intense struggle, Matthew felt a surge of warmth. Amid the darkness, he saw the figure again, smiling at him. The shadow transformed from a smiling face into a giant woman who wrapped her arms around Matthew.

Matthew felt solace in the darkness, as if he were sleeping under blankets on a cold night. The pain slowly began to fade. His arm didn’t ache as much, and he felt the hunger waning away. Finally, after who knows how long of suffering, Matthew finally rested.

---

**Thud**

With a thud, the door to the room opened, and the envoy, followed by the village guards, entered. The guards’ legs were shaking as they followed behind the envoy, who now held a letter bearing the symbol of a sun. It was a letter sent by the Light to the envoy.

“Guards,” the envoy shouted. The guards looked at each other, gulping nervously, but slowly they picked up Matthew’s body from the ground. One guard took his right arm, another his left, and two more supported his legs and head. They slowly brought Matthew outside. During all this, Matthew remained peacefully asleep as if nothing was happening.

Outside the house, a carriage was waiting. The guards flopped Matthew into the back of the carriage, where they further chained him up. They wrapped two more chains over his abdomen and one that secured his legs to the carriage. As they tightened the chains, the pain in Matthew intensified, and he awoke. He was still blinded by the chains, but the pain caused him to groan loudly.

The guards, upon hearing him groan, stopped and looked in Matthew’s direction. They gulped, sweat trickling down their faces, and their hearts beat faster and faster. Silence filled the atmosphere.

“I give you my word, he can't harm you,” the envoy said as he held up the letter sent by the Light.

The guards were still hesitant, but they continued to work the chains more carefully and accurately. They tried their best not to anger the demon further, scared of being harmed and ending up like the Elder. Soon they were finished. Matthew was writhing in pain, blood leaking from his eyes and nails. The chains tightened every spot on his body, making living itself hell.

The townspeople crowded around Matthew, observing the so-called demon from a moderate distance. The envoy, noticing their fear, approached Matthew and swung his hand deep into Matthew’s gut. Blood spurted violently from Matthew’s mouth. “As I have said before, have no fear. This beast is now less than that of livestock. He is now under control as he should have been. Come, you are all free to let off some stress.”

The crowd looked at each other, nervous smiles appearing on their faces as they contemplated the envoy’s idea. Then, among them, an old woman came forward. She looked like a person who could be blown away with a breath, tears running down her face as she climbed up the carriage and approached Matthew. Without saying anything, she spat on Matthew’s face. The white spit traveled between the cracks of the chains and landed on Matthew’s forehead, but Matthew couldn’t care less. He didn’t have the time to pay attention to that as he was suffering something greater. He was literally fighting death; the moment he lost the will to live would be the moment he left this world.

After seeing this act of bravery from the old woman, all the other townspeople, one by one, spat on Matthew. Abruptly, while the villagers were spitting on Matthew, a six-winged bird descended upon the envoy. Tied to the bird's leg was a piece of paper, tightly knotted. The envoy untied the paper and read the contents of the message to himself. As he finished reading, a smile broke across his face, a smile full of malicious intent.


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Wed Sep 04, 2024 8:41 pm
Kaia wrote a review...



Greetings! I have come to review for you. As always, I will be reviewing as I read. Here goes!

So the opening line I felt was just a little weak. Using the word "was" in a first sentence kind of slows things down. Perhaps try a more action-filled first sentence, or rearrange the sentences so that the part about the character looking into the darkness comes first.

Now onto the next part. The eyes, the smile, the odd fatherly warmth. That was quite unexpected and definitely sparked interest right there from the first paragraph. Excellent job with that!

Even after waking, he still saw darkness.
Somehow, I really like this sentence. I guess it sort of gives off these dark, ominous vibes that match what you were describing earlier. At first I thought the transition from the dream to reality was a little abrupt, but then as I reread it I reconsidered. I think I actually like that because it's as abrupt as waking up from a dream can be. However, I do recommend that you enhance the dream just a little as I wasn't done really visualizing the scene before it was already over and the character woke up. Maybe add just a few more details to lengthen the dream slightly?

He now felt cold. Matthew tried to open his eyes, but they were tightly shut by golden chains that wrapped his whole body like a cocoon.
Oh, wow. So he's in confinement. Interesting. Now the other thing that interests me is the color of these chains. They aren't silver or iron. They're gold. Is that just the color or is the character in a very royal prison? I think the former because of the terrible condition he is in.

You did an AWESOME job describing how the character feels. The part about elevating the body off the floor with the chains is really great especially but I also imagine that to be very uncomfortable so many add that little detail? The part about the chains constricting his breath was both very realistic and very understandable. I greatly appreciated the way you wrote that as that was very easy to picture. The additional information about the smell of the place also adds a great idea of what it would be like to be in that chamber.

So now my next question (you lead your reader with questions which is a great tactic) I wonder if Matthew is insane and having hallucinations or if there is a force which he can see in the form of a weird smiling creating. And this warmth? What is it that causes this warmth?

but slowly they picked up Matthew’s body from the ground. One guard took his right arm, another his left, and two more supported his legs and head.
I love the great detail you took to describe the guards picking up the character's body. Perhaps this character has some sort of power around him that makes these guards so afraid? Perhaps it is the fact that Matthew has not had a shower in who knows how long and probably doesn't smell particularly great? Either way, I'm intrigued by these guards' reaction to having to pick up the character.

Again, I love how you detailed strapping Matthew to the carriage and how the pain caused him to awaken.

They gulped, sweat trickling down their faces, and their hearts beat faster and faster.
Perhaps a bit of a nitpick, but I feel like describing their hearts racing is a little odd. Your main character appears to be Matthew, so suddenly directing such a personal detail toward some nameless side characters seems a little odd. Also, I felt like "gulped" was a little too repeated between this incidence and the last.

“I give you my word, he can't harm you,” the envoy said as he held up the letter sent by the Light
So they ARE afraid of him! Well that of course opens me up to a new question; why?

Matthew was writhing in pain, blood leaking from his eyes and nails. The chains tightened every spot on his body, making living itself hell.
So, he's a demon, hm? Interesting. And now I want to know why he has blood leaking from his eyes and nails. Is it perhaps the incredibly tight chains causing blood to leak from any crevice it can find to escape? Or does this demon creature sweat blood?

She looked like a person who could be blown away with a breath
This was an oddly creative way of describing how frail this woman looks. I like that!

As he finished reading, a smile broke across his face, a smile full of malicious intent.
This was an absolutely perfect ending. You leave this on a cliffhanger and once again pile more questions into the reader's mind. What is written on the paper?

I also have to conclude with my thoughts about the plot. So, I now envision Matthew to be possessed or perhaps be a demon in and of himself. I imagine that he has been tormenting the town. Despite what ever terrors he causes, you create deep sympathy for the character as he is in such an uncomfortable situation and no one cares about him. My only fear is that perhaps this mistreatment will end up letting a very evil side of his get out...

Overall, the pacing was great! I didn't really lose interest at any point as you opened for me a new question with almost every paragraph which kept me reading! Also, I appreciate the short chapters. They are quick reads and easy to review so thanks for that :D

One last suggestion: I would put a gore warning on this and consider making this 12+ or 16+.

And that's it! Hope this review was helpful!
-Kaia




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Sat Jul 06, 2024 3:42 am
SoullessGinger wrote a review...



Hello, I’m Ellen and I’m so excited to review your wonderful work!

First Readthrough & Impressions


I’m so intrigued!! What has Matthew done to deserve this chaining? What happened to the Elder? Why is a demon named Matthew? All questions I’m sure I can answer by reading the previous chapters, which I MUST go do now. You’ve definitely piqued my curiosity. As a standalone chapter, not even considering the rest of the work, I’m really interested. To be honest, this chapter on its own would make for an insanely cool and unique hook/beginning of a story. Not every book starts with its main character in chains. It reminded me a bit of the Skyrim intro, if you’re into that lol. Just some food for thought for when you are editing. Now, on to the next section of this review!

Second Readthrough & Feedback

The road was filled with darkness; nothing was visible to Matthew. He looked around the perpetual darkness, but only darkness remained.


I love this visual right at the beginning; it gives us so much to wonder about right off the bat. Our MC is going somewhere- where is he going? Is it nighttime or is this a magical darkness? I would recommend giving us more information than just that it’s dark here. You repeat it more than is needed. Describe the darkness; show us the darkness, rather than telling us that it’s dark. Even though this is the second readthrough and I know this is a dream, I want to know more about this malicious darkness that Matthew is facing. Is it cold and piercing? Heavy and humid? Also, because it’s dark, we the readers already assume Matthew can’t see anything. Maybe segway into the fact that Matthew can’t see anything because the blackness presses in so closely, it’s like he’s standing in front of an obsidian wall. Or his head is covered in a thick woolen blanket. Just something descriptive and horrifying for the reader to chew on.

Matthew felt the warmth reminiscent of hugging his father, yet he also felt the eeriness of the unknown. The being that now shared the same body with him.


The dream is an interesting way to bring us into Matthew’s world here. Why does an intensely creepy smile remind him of his father?!? That’s not concerning at all lol. Also woah woah woah, does his FATHER share Matthew’s body?!?! That’d be crazy!! Does this mean he’s possessed? Again, all questions I'll answer for myself in the previous chapters.

Even after waking, he still saw darkness.


But how is this darkness different? You have such an amazing opportunity to tell us about the setting Matthew is now in, just by describing the differences in darknesses. You can describe how the chains are icy, how they numb his body because of how cold it is, rather than telling us it's cold. This description of his prison is INTENSE. Poor guy, why is he bleeding from every orifice?? Great imagery.
The guards’ legs were shaking as they followed behind the envoy, who now held a letter bearing the symbol of a sun. It was a letter sent by the Light to the envoy.

Ah, so Matthew is dangerous. Interesting. And who is this envoy working for ‘the Light’? You can probably condense these sentences into one.

I’m starting to think these chains are magical. Yikes.

The envoy, noticing their fear, approached Matthew and swung his hand deep into Matthew’s gut. Blood spurted violently from Matthew’s mouth.

GORY! Nice. This is not a pleasant image, but it communicates how cruel and violent the envoy is. Plus, we know the envoy is working under orders from the Light, whatever that is. So it’s ironic that an organization called the Light would do something so horrific. It tells us so much about this world you’ve created, it’s awesome!

She looked like a person who could be blown away with a breath, tears running down her face as she climbed up the carriage and approached Matthew. Without saying anything, she spat on Matthew’s face.


Gross! I wonder what Matthew did that was so bad this old lady is crying and spitting on him. I’m excited to see where this story goes, and to go back to read the previous chapters!
This is a great start, and you have so many really fascinating ideas. Keep writing!

And as always, everything I say in my reviews is just my opinion! Take what’s useful, what resonates about your writing, and ignore the rest!

Thanks,
Ellen :)




ThekingsAdvisor says...


Thank you soooo much for that indepth review, and I am glad you enjoyed my work, and also thank you for the criticisims. This will certanly help me improve my work. Again thank you very much for the review and i hope you enjoy the other chapters just as well as this one.




Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
— Paul Brandt