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by Avian

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234 Reviews

Points: 26786
Reviews: 234

Tue Jun 11, 2024 6:49 am
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OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...

Hi there!! This is Ora, here with a short review. ^^

Ooh, 'New Age Poetry'... I like it so far!! I wonder what this means, though? New Age? How will it be different from what you had??! I'm so curious now o.O

Ooh and the imagery in this poem!! Is!!! I love it so much. I feel like bees, when portrayed in media, often have a bright, yellow, flowery feel to them, although this seems very different. Kind of dark, anxiety-inducing, even, and longing.

watch as i peel away my skin only for
bees to crawl from my stomach,
flitting their wings against my sides.

This especially is the dark and gritty part especially that caught my attention - in a way it feels like a horror movie of bees to take over someone's body, but I assume you meant that metaphorically. (Unless you do happen to have bees in your stomach and honey in your veins??) Something about these lines made me stop and admire them in the middle of reading, although I'm not quite sure why?? For one, they just... feel different... and for another, they're simply amazing lines! The way you capture that feeling, one I kind of interpret as dread or maybe anxiety (although maybe that wasn't quite what you were going for) has been done so expertly. Throughout the poem, even, you do a very good job of sucking the reader into this buzzy, dark hum of bees.

hear the hum and buzz of a terrific cacophony of
all that i ache for.

I love how this suggests that it is indeed something 'bad' or 'dark', at least to an extent, but it still is something you long or ache for. Something good even, or something you want even if it's bad. Maybe it's showing a feeling of comfort in things people (or you) wouldn't normally find comfort in. Perhaps it's showing the beauty in things other people might find disturbing? I don't know; what did you intend? Or, what else can you say about it if you don't quite know?

i search for the meaning of home,
a yearning to be known in a place
where i will not wither or wilt

Before I go, I just gotta say how much I love these lines as well. Homes and the meaning of it is a fascinating subject in poetry (at least, for me XD) and I feel like you captured a pretty good meaning of it; they say home is where the heart is, and how can your heart be someone if you don't feel known? Maybe the wither or wilt is referring to flowers, as bees pollinate them. If this was or was not your intention, I still love these lines, with or without meaning or complicated theorizing attatched.

Thank you so much for sharing this lovely poem! I'd love to read more by you!! :D (If you ever want to tag me for a poem you write in the future... I certainly wouldn't mind ^u^) Please have a fantastic rest of your day/night, and never forget to keep writing!!!

Avian says...

AHHH TY! Ok, so basically this whole poem is about a feeling of... ummm... want? see i don't really know how to describe the feeling! But it feels like a buzz, and it's like im homesick or longing for something. I kinda figured out recently that it might just be loneliness...idk. But, yeah, capturing that feeling was the entire premise of this poem. I'm glad you enjoyed! (also, i will for sure tag you in my next piece. might be a while tho)

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54 Reviews

Points: 5293
Reviews: 54

Sun Jun 09, 2024 5:36 am
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WeepingWisteria wrote a review...

Hello, avian! This is Wist, and I'm here to review your fascinating poem.

My first thought is that this poem is utterly unsettling. It's a mixture of warm imagery and something more apt for body horror. You may have heard the quote, "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable." And I must say that your poem here fits that bill perfectly. It connects to readers who feel controlled by something they desire but is inherently harmful. At least, that's how I interpreted it. Feel free to correct me. With that said, let's get into some of your lines.

whispering to my insides about lovely things

This is where that duality stood out to me. Buzzing in poetry is such a vague concept that it doesn't immediately stand out as harmful or good, but the idea of anything whispering to your insides can be unsettling. But you immediately soften the blow with the gentle word lovely. Lovely is so petite and unassuming that you forget the potential creep factor of whispering to someone's insides. Besides, in isolation, you could use a line like that in a love poem. All this is to say you had me harbor conflicted feelings from your second line. Good job.

my veins have turned to honey and
i am nothing but a swarm

These two lines told me something was deeply wrong with our speaker. At this point, I couldn't decide if our speaker wasn't real or if they were a host to some wicked parasite. That moment of uncertainty is essential because it allows the reader to step back and consider what is happening to our speaker before getting the answer, especially since your last stanza is so heavy, a moment to breathe before diving into the deep end.

hear the hum and buzz of a terrific cacophony of
all that i ache for

Maybe I'm just a coward, but this line terrifies me. This whole stanza is where the poem goes full body horror for me, and any potential of this being a cheerful poem is violently defenestrated. For me, it paints this vivid image of the speaker being a host for insects and being devoured, and in a last-ditch effort to not succumb to the sheer helplessness of their situation, they trick themselves into liking the insects. I have no way of knowing if this is what you intended, and I'm just reading far too much into it, but you did say you intended the poem to be unsettling, and I have to say you succeeded. Home run, hole-in-one. My skin is crawling.

Overall, your poem is fantastic. Since you were aiming for unsettling, I can confidently say you hit your mark. This means you know how to control your poetic voice to get the desired atmosphere. That takes intense practice, so I respect you and your dedication to your craft—genuine praise from one poet to another. Thanks for publishing, avain! I enjoyed reading even if I'm thoroughly spooked now.

Happy Writing!

Avian says...

Thank you for the review! I'm so glad you liked the poem. : )

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39 Reviews

Points: 3102
Reviews: 39

Sun Jun 09, 2024 4:35 am
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KaeRae88 wrote a review...

Hey! Just stopped by to give a quick review while I was reading... I haven't decided if this piece is made to be scary, but it genuinely makes my skin crawl haha.
The first stanza has a lot to do with wanting to fit in, and I can see how that is kind of like a swarm of bees. I just recently learned that when bees swarm, it is either because someone disturbed their home, or they are looking for a new place to call home. I like how that aspect is intertwined in here

I search for the meaning of home, a yearning to be known in a place where I will not wither or wilt

woah, that last line there is a tongue twister for me. I'm curious to hear how you came up with the wither or wilt line though... to me it seems more like a flower, which I guess in a way applies to a bee.

The next stanza,
my veins have been turned to honey and I am nothing but a swarm;
Again, we got the connection to a swarm of bees looking for a home, but what really grabbed my attention was that just two lines where in this stanza. It really emphasizes your point to just let the two lines separate the two main stanzas. A bold but cool move here.

The last stanza is really the one that made my skin crawl and buzz (pun intended). It's got so much imagery that just kind of creeps me out, I guess. I apologize if that wasn't your intent but my goodness,
body be consumed...tongue dissipate...peel away my skin...bees crawl from my stomach...
The way that you describe everything is so surreal. It makes me think of someone pulling off a mask to reveal their true selves, but the person who comes out is like scary haha. I've watched too many horror movies. Always, this poem was GREAT! Your style of writing is so unique! (in a good way!!) I hope to see more of your poems posted here~

Keep Writing,

Avian says...

Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked the poem! I did intend for this poem to be more gritty and off-putting, so I'm glad that got across. Now, for the wither or wilt line... honestly, I thought it just sounded good! XD
This poem was meant to capture a feeling that I haven't quite figured out how to put into words yet. (this was my best attempt) and withering or wilting fits very well with the feeling, so I decided to add it :)

People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
— Albus Dumbledore