Hello, My Friend!
I'm even more late to the party than usual! Haha, thanks again for the reminder, and I can't believe I ducked out literally at THE end! I can't wait to see what happens!!
*ahem, Anyway, it's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story! I'm still tweaking the Familiar method to fit my compulsive brain, so the review style may look a little different. That said...Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Wow, what an ending! A great way to wrap up Raiya and Diana's role in this story, and display Fi's power! Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Pretty good! I loved the fight between Fi, Raiya, and Diana, and the way the ladies' time in the desert finally concluded after so many years. I also REALLY enjoyed Kitty and Fi's discussion in the beginning about the will to kill, followed by Fi's reflection on their life by exploring Joji's ruins. My ONLY thing--bear with me--is that for a finale, it feels just a tiny bit short. Now as mentioned, it's been some time since I read the last chapters, and I could've just lost the momentum. But I personally would've liked to see a bit more, and I just see a lot of space that could've been used to expand upon characterization (more on that below). Either way, overall, it was a great setup!
Descriptions and Setting: Great! It was really cool being able to visualize Joji in ruins, especially with so much nostalgia from Fi to give us an idea of where everything was. I also LOVED the decision to keep a working harmony box and have it playing that eerie, distorted report. The cruel irony, as Fi looks over the ruins visualizing all those years of misery, just really adds to the moment. Truly, incredible staging!!
Action: Awesome! Fi's abilities are so cool, and I love the allusion to a new feeling of power before that fight. You can tell they are more focused and less hesitant, unlike the fight with Radio. The fight seemed to end quickly, I noticed, but between Raiya and Diana being old women and Fi being OP status over here (not complaining lol), it's also not a huge surprise and works great!
Characterization: Good! As mentioned, that whole beginning sequence was incredible for Fi's character, and I like the exploration of a new morbid aspect of their job. It told us a lot about not just Fi, but Kitty as well, in how she handled the questions.
That said, as also mentioned, I do feel like there could've been more expansion at certain points for some characters. For example, since this is the end for Diana and Raiya, maybe a little more exploration of the sisters' feelings as they face death. And given their past connections to DRU, maybe a sort of final message about DRU for the "new glitch," just to leave a lasting impression as characters that had such persisting roles throughout the story.
As for Fi and Kitty here, though I love the conclusion of this chapter and the new direction for their characters, maybe you could've built up a little more momentum to that ending?? Like, I felt that you did so amazingly capturing the nostalgia and transitional parts of Fi's mentality, but then how they're feeling in the moment is cut a little short. Maybe we could get just a few more tidbits, like exploring Fi's response to the realization that Kitty is captured, tapping into that sense of concern and determination, or even a little clue to show us how they ultimately link that regret about their parents to Kitty?? Likewise, from Kitty's end, maybe a little more about why she went out alone, and why she was so distraught after being released??
Grammar and Spelling: 8/10! I had some lil' nitpicks that I dropped below, but otherwise, looks pretty good!
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
The job was to kill two people who were working against DRU...
Their directive was to kill two woman. Raiya and Diana who betrayed DRU decades ago. They have been living in the Desert of Sinkholes. The main problem with them was that the sisters traveled in and out of the desert when they felt like it, and they were pinned as traitors, so it was time for them to die.
It's cool that we got this intel on the mission! It tells us what's in Fi and Kitty's head as they head back into the desert, and it's a great conduit for that discussion about death. That said, I just feel like there was a bit of repetition, and some structural "ifs" that made the sentences feel like they were running on a bit. One loose example of a rewrite could be: "The job was to kill two people who were working against DRU..." "The two women, Raiya and Diana, betrayed DRU decades ago. They had been living in the Desert of Sinkholes, and by traveling in and out of the desert when they felt like it, they were pinned as traitors. That meant it was time for them to die." Something to keep new information at the forefront and shorten the sentences, if that makes sense?
The two of them circled each other like two sharks. Raiya looked into Fi’s eyes, she could only see two decades of confusion and pain behind them. Her sister was dead, and everything is worse now. All that was left was to fight. Like she always had. She wondered if her father was getting a kick out of the thoughts going through her head.
I admittedly got a bit lost here. Like, I'm wondering if there was a potential error in pronoun use there. The "she" implies that it's Raiya seeing two decades of confusion and pain in Fi, which would make sense given their past, but then the very next sentence talks about Raiya's sister being dead and exploring her pain. I don't know, maybe I am just reading this horribly wrong haha.
Well, that’s all! Of course, this is just my opinion and I am not a professional, so please take all this advice with a grain of salt! This chapter was great as it is too!
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Since this is the finale, I can't say I have many theories! Again, could be a byproduct of that big gap in reading time, but still. I'm curious what your plans to expand on this universe are, and what characters will be making a reappearance. That teaser at the end looks awesome too!
As for reactions...
Fi plunged their fist through the harmony box’s screen with a shocking crash that echoed through the desert. They collapsed onto the rubble of their own home. Crying for their parents to come back.
Again, love the use of the harmony box and its cruel irony, SO good!! And the reaction from Fi, of this distress despite the pride in wearing their mother's personally-tailored clothes, just hit so hard--love that.
Her arm shattered like glass and Fi punched through her. Past her arm and into her face. Coating their mom’s poncho in a new crimson red.
Once again, you gave us some incredible displays of action! Love the grizzly details like this one, and the sense of realism you added when Fi was recalling the training and fired the gun--always have to give props for that!
I’m a fool for ever questioning the sacrifices they made. I won’t make the same mistake with you, Kitty. I don’t care what happens going forward, because I have something to fight for.”
Aw!! This ending is amazing! It feels like Fi is reaching some degree of closure, and really accepting Kitty as a partner!!
Overall, this was a great finale! And completing a story is always a huge accomplishment, so congratulations and very well done!! I would love to read more from you in the future, Kitty-related or not!!
Thus concludes my review. To leave off, here are some inspiring quotes, courtesy of your resident Poe freak ~
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Points: 84229
Reviews: 407
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