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♦ Plague of the Desert - FINALE ♦

by goodolnoah


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

♦ What Breeds Hate ♦

PT 391, The Desert of Sinkholes

Hours Prior to Kitty’s capture.

Fi and Kitty took a detour from their mission. They stopped at the abandoned Joji Prefecture. The ruins didn’t bring a sense of fear or hate to Kitty. There was a gentle nostalgia looking over the lost village. An appreciation and rejection of nature.

“I wish that it was Radio who destroyed Joji. Or something I knew I could punch in the face. All there is to blame is nature.”

“You can continue. Take as much time as you want.” Kitty directed.

“Why don’t we camp here? It’s already been a lot of walking.”

They set up camp next to the abandoned Joji. Like before, they made a fire and cooked marshmallows over the open flame. The pair shared stories of their respective lands. Kitty, her stories of travels related to DRU, and Fi’s travels in and out of Joji on hunting excursions. They tried a cooked marshmallow, only to decide they liked the burnt ones better. That entire night, they skated around the question at hand. Finally, Fi blurted it out.

“How are we supposed to kill these guys?”

“We’ll find some other way, I told you Fi!”

“...Alright. Here’s a question, then. Have you ever, Y’know?” Fi asked with a slicing motion across their neck.

“I did once. Please don’t think worse of me.” Kitty continued as Fi motioned to continue on affirmatively. “We were super low-staffed because of Radio, so I was pretty much the only one left over who had the capability of running a team. We were hired to kill some people who betrayed DRU and left the cause. I don't think all glitches are bad, but these guys? They were bad. It was a group of people who escaped from the prison during the break of Point 365. I was accompanied by a group of heavy, brutish glitches. When we had them cornered, we found what they had been hiding. Some sort of fucked up, ritualistic human trafficking ring. When I locked eyes with the girl there, inside the cage, the stress I felt…washed away. The job was easier.”

“Any job would be easier if you had a reason to hate the person you had to kill.”

The pair decided that they would tackle the job in full at night. In the dead of night, accented by the smoldering fire, Kitty quietly listened to the audio log from Fi’s confrontation with Radio. She thought about what happened with Dzo.

“I don’t want to kill anybody. Simple as that.”

“You will if you stay with DRU. It’ll get easier once you get past the first.”

Fi’s words echoed in Kitty’s despondent head. The job was to kill two people who were working against DRU. They were demonized by Jackie when presented, but Kitty and Fi knew better. It was a pair of sisters who betrayed DRU many, many years ago. Since Radio was quiet for the moment, the new prerogative was to get rid of other “smaller” problems. Their directive was to kill two woman. Raiya and Diana who betrayed DRU decades ago. They have been living in the Desert of Sinkholes. The main problem with them was that the sisters traveled in and out of the desert when they felt like it, and they were pinned as traitors, so it was time for them to die. Kitty remembered Fi’s reaction when they were given the mission. They were quieter than usual, when Jackie left the room, their face burned with an intense hatred for their boss.

Be a good leader…” A voice echoed in Kitty’s head. She was unsure if it was her own.

Kitty laid, lying on her side with her hands between her thighs to distract from the harsh breeze of the desert. Even the fire wasn’t hot enough. She narrowed her eyes so Fi barley noticed when they quietly and slowly sat up out of bed and wandered into the ruins of their old home, for the first time, picking the plague mask from their side and pulling it over their head.

Joji was ruined. As they entered through the large, dilapidated gate, Fi thought about Dzo. The many years they were bullied and harassed by him, the equal amount that nobody did anything about it. Part of them hoped that maybe he escaped, and survived his tumultuous fall into another dimension. But like the story Kitty told them about the glitch, Dzo was another type of person who’d be a thorn in the side of any world.

Everything settled into the sand, what was once a great civilization reduced to peaceful ashes. The screams they remembered were long gone. Anybody who was there, was taken by sinkholes, whether dead or alive. All that was left was the memory of what was once there, also to be taken by sinkholes, eventually.

Fi couldn’t help but think about their parents. They were gone, dead, maybe, but Fi had no way of knowing and they highly doubted DRU had any awareness of where they were physically. Knowing the inner workings of DRU, glitches, or others from the Desert weren’t allowed on other dimensions, and they’d be removed by DRU quickly. The hope still fluttered in their heart. Hoping for their old life somehow felt foolish in their head.

Inside, Fi wanted their parents to be alive, somewhere. The logical side thought; would death be more forgiving? Falling through a sinkhole meant one of two things. You are brought in by DRU, or you are left astray in a confusing world the cruel hand of nature dropped you into? As if they were dropped in and told “good luck!” Fi wondered if they would make a new life for themselves, or if they would crack under the pressure. Maybe DRU was a signifier of this, at least there was a direction given by the captains.

They stood in front of the ruins of what was once their home. When a light chittering noise cut through the silence of the air. After everything came tumbling down like a house of cards built on a tightrope, the harmony box still stood, and it worked!

“Joji Prefecture is stronger than it has ever been!” The newswoman chattered.

The picture was tattered, it was overexposed, cracked. Colors bled into each other. It had turned into a new, broken form separate from any Joji resident. The audio was distorted, like the film had been ripped out and cut into pieces, and stuffed back into the box.

The words repeated “Joji Prefecture is stronger than it has ever been!”

The light of the harmony box fluttered off of Fi’s plague mask. They turned away from the house, facing the town that had made Fi their pariah. They looked with a silent pride. The plague outfit their mom had given them was finally shown to the village.

Again. “Joji Prefecture is stronger than it has ever been!”

Nobody was there to see it. Fi waited for the laughing, the stones to get thrown, for anything. Their newfound strength was on display for the looming eyes of only the tumbleweeds that floated by.

“Joji Prefecture is stronger than it has ever-”

Fi plunged their fist through the harmony box’s screen with a shocking crash that echoed through the desert. They collapsed onto the rubble of their own home. Crying for their parents to come back.

In light of this, when Fi returned to the campsite, only to find that Kitty had left, they found what they were looking for in golden lights.

______________________________________________________________________________

The plague mask covered most of Fi’s face except the back. Their black hair floated weightlessly as they followed the footsteps of Kitty until a lavish house built out of assorted machine parts came into view. The further they traveled, the more the anxiety grew in their chest. They felt a small protrusion from the ground spring a trap. A bubble was created around Fi’s body, trapping them in midair. It zapped the air out around them, making it difficult for any counterattacks to be made. Their hair turned into a full fiery blonde, allowing them to harness the strength to burst the bubble.

A figure opened the door and stood on the doorstep. Before Fi could process who she was, they fumbled with the handgun from the inside of their coat. As they lifted, the woman standing at the door brought her arm to the ground. A spark of ice began to grow from mere snowflakes to a giant spiky glacier that spiraled upwards towards Fi.

See? You hold it like this. Shoot straight. If the time ever comes that you have to fire this on an opponent, use one arm to aim, other arm for support. Let your eye guide the bullet. The more support, the better the shot.” Kitty’s words echoed.

The bullet released out of its chamber, making a pigeonhole through the ice. It floated through the nothingness that was the desert, using the ice to only increase its velocity. When the bullet exited, it forced open the jugular of the old woman who stood at the doorstep. She fell to her knees, blood pooling around the entrance to the house. Her tattered body fell into the sinkhole the house was built over. Into the abyss of space.

Fi walked past where the body once was, bursting through the door.

Bam!

A smash followed by a zap of electricity flowed into Fi’s body. Their distorted vision quickly came back to life when they realized who was standing before them. It was another old woman. Her eyes were once bright green, now they were a deep, emotionless green.

“You were supposed to leave us alone, and yet, here you are.”

Behind the woman, was Kitty. Her hands were tied behind her back. Her face was now adorned with bruises and scratches, assumedly from the two sisters.

Jackie was right. They're insane.” Fi thought.

The two of them circled each other like two sharks. Raiya looked into Fi’s eyes, she could only see two decades of confusion and pain behind them. Her sister was dead, and everything is worse now. All that was left was to fight. Like she always had. She wondered if her father was getting a kick out of the thoughts going through her head.

Fi ripped their mask off, like they were trying to threaten Raiya with the idea of killing someone she could see the face of. Deep down, they knew judging someone based on their own personal biases meant nothing.

Raiya threw the first punch. She had gauntlets on each hand. One ignited with a fiery red and the other with a thundering blue. Fi let all of their hair be engulfed in blonde, and they threw one last punch. Colliding with Raiya’s. While all the power was there, Raiya’s ability to hold the power held behind her gauntlets was long past. Her arm shattered like glass and Fi punched through her. Past her arm and into her face. Coating their mom’s poncho in a new crimson red. They turned in an instant and picked Kitty up.

“Fi…I didn’t want you to have to…” Kitty cried silently into Fi’s chest.

“Do you mind if I tell you something?”

“...No…”

“Since I was a kid, I always thought that I was a burden to my parents, and anybody else for that matter. Mom and Dad were high-ranking in their fields, when I was born, I was a permanent stain on their record, the unluckiest kid born to a fortunate family. I had everything growing up. They loved me, they did what they could to spread that love. I’m a fool for ever questioning the sacrifices they made. I won’t make the same mistake with you, Kitty. I don’t care what happens going forward, because I have something to fight for.”

________________________________________________________________________

END

Creds:

Writer & Story:

goodolnoah

Original Writing Period:

December 10th 2023 - January 16th 2024

Inspiration:

-OLD Fi story, Plague: None of The Pressure

-An old story I wrote called Nightwolf for Raiya and Diana

-Nier Replicant, especially Kaine and the desert place of Facade

-My GF for the idea of GOING TO SPACE

-Songs? Lots of older, throwback music from my 2018 days. But also some rock like godsmack, tom petty? Maidcore, yakuza, Persona 3 Reload, Super Smash bros. Music, Mother 3 music.

Story gets a 0/10 cuz Maga wasn’t there. Oh...On that note...

🛠⋆⭒˚.⋆In construction...⋆⭒˚.⋆🛠


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Fri Nov 29, 2024 6:16 pm
RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello, My Friend!

I'm even more late to the party than usual! Haha, thanks again for the reminder, and I can't believe I ducked out literally at THE end! I can't wait to see what happens!!

*ahem, Anyway, it's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story! I'm still tweaking the Familiar method to fit my compulsive brain, so the review style may look a little different. That said...Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See
~ A full analysis and breakdown


Wow, what an ending! A great way to wrap up Raiya and Diana's role in this story, and display Fi's power! Let's get into the details though.

Plot and Pacing: Pretty good! I loved the fight between Fi, Raiya, and Diana, and the way the ladies' time in the desert finally concluded after so many years. I also REALLY enjoyed Kitty and Fi's discussion in the beginning about the will to kill, followed by Fi's reflection on their life by exploring Joji's ruins. My ONLY thing--bear with me--is that for a finale, it feels just a tiny bit short. Now as mentioned, it's been some time since I read the last chapters, and I could've just lost the momentum. But I personally would've liked to see a bit more, and I just see a lot of space that could've been used to expand upon characterization (more on that below). Either way, overall, it was a great setup!

Descriptions and Setting: Great! It was really cool being able to visualize Joji in ruins, especially with so much nostalgia from Fi to give us an idea of where everything was. I also LOVED the decision to keep a working harmony box and have it playing that eerie, distorted report. The cruel irony, as Fi looks over the ruins visualizing all those years of misery, just really adds to the moment. Truly, incredible staging!!

Action: Awesome! Fi's abilities are so cool, and I love the allusion to a new feeling of power before that fight. You can tell they are more focused and less hesitant, unlike the fight with Radio. The fight seemed to end quickly, I noticed, but between Raiya and Diana being old women and Fi being OP status over here (not complaining lol), it's also not a huge surprise and works great!

Characterization: Good! As mentioned, that whole beginning sequence was incredible for Fi's character, and I like the exploration of a new morbid aspect of their job. It told us a lot about not just Fi, but Kitty as well, in how she handled the questions.

That said, as also mentioned, I do feel like there could've been more expansion at certain points for some characters. For example, since this is the end for Diana and Raiya, maybe a little more exploration of the sisters' feelings as they face death. And given their past connections to DRU, maybe a sort of final message about DRU for the "new glitch," just to leave a lasting impression as characters that had such persisting roles throughout the story.

As for Fi and Kitty here, though I love the conclusion of this chapter and the new direction for their characters, maybe you could've built up a little more momentum to that ending?? Like, I felt that you did so amazingly capturing the nostalgia and transitional parts of Fi's mentality, but then how they're feeling in the moment is cut a little short. Maybe we could get just a few more tidbits, like exploring Fi's response to the realization that Kitty is captured, tapping into that sense of concern and determination, or even a little clue to show us how they ultimately link that regret about their parents to Kitty?? Likewise, from Kitty's end, maybe a little more about why she went out alone, and why she was so distraught after being released??

Grammar and Spelling: 8/10! I had some lil' nitpicks that I dropped below, but otherwise, looks pretty good!

Where The Dagger Points
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations


Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…

The job was to kill two people who were working against DRU...

Their directive was to kill two woman. Raiya and Diana who betrayed DRU decades ago. They have been living in the Desert of Sinkholes. The main problem with them was that the sisters traveled in and out of the desert when they felt like it, and they were pinned as traitors, so it was time for them to die.


It's cool that we got this intel on the mission! It tells us what's in Fi and Kitty's head as they head back into the desert, and it's a great conduit for that discussion about death. That said, I just feel like there was a bit of repetition, and some structural "ifs" that made the sentences feel like they were running on a bit. One loose example of a rewrite could be: "The job was to kill two people who were working against DRU..." "The two women, Raiya and Diana, betrayed DRU decades ago. They had been living in the Desert of Sinkholes, and by traveling in and out of the desert when they felt like it, they were pinned as traitors. That meant it was time for them to die." Something to keep new information at the forefront and shorten the sentences, if that makes sense?

The two of them circled each other like two sharks. Raiya looked into Fi’s eyes, she could only see two decades of confusion and pain behind them. Her sister was dead, and everything is worse now. All that was left was to fight. Like she always had. She wondered if her father was getting a kick out of the thoughts going through her head.


I admittedly got a bit lost here. Like, I'm wondering if there was a potential error in pronoun use there. The "she" implies that it's Raiya seeing two decades of confusion and pain in Fi, which would make sense given their past, but then the very next sentence talks about Raiya's sister being dead and exploring her pain. I don't know, maybe I am just reading this horribly wrong haha.

Well, that’s all! Of course, this is just my opinion and I am not a professional, so please take all this advice with a grain of salt! This chapter was great as it is too!

Why The Grin Widened
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts


Since this is the finale, I can't say I have many theories! Again, could be a byproduct of that big gap in reading time, but still. I'm curious what your plans to expand on this universe are, and what characters will be making a reappearance. That teaser at the end looks awesome too!

As for reactions...

Fi plunged their fist through the harmony box’s screen with a shocking crash that echoed through the desert. They collapsed onto the rubble of their own home. Crying for their parents to come back.


Again, love the use of the harmony box and its cruel irony, SO good!! And the reaction from Fi, of this distress despite the pride in wearing their mother's personally-tailored clothes, just hit so hard--love that.

Her arm shattered like glass and Fi punched through her. Past her arm and into her face. Coating their mom’s poncho in a new crimson red.


Once again, you gave us some incredible displays of action! Love the grizzly details like this one, and the sense of realism you added when Fi was recalling the training and fired the gun--always have to give props for that!

I’m a fool for ever questioning the sacrifices they made. I won’t make the same mistake with you, Kitty. I don’t care what happens going forward, because I have something to fight for.”


Aw!! This ending is amazing! It feels like Fi is reaching some degree of closure, and really accepting Kitty as a partner!!

Our Mad Thoughts...


Overall, this was a great finale! And completing a story is always a huge accomplishment, so congratulations and very well done!! I would love to read more from you in the future, Kitty-related or not!! :D


Thus concludes my review. To leave off, here are some inspiring quotes, courtesy of your resident Poe freak ~
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."




goodolnoah says...


Thank you for the review, Raven! I wanted to see what you thought as a consistent reader of my inter-connected stories. I%u2019m still working on a pretty large draft, and I should be editing the story about Maga as well (no relation to any American president).

For some reason, the one thing that always bugged me about this story was the pacing, so I agree with a lot of your critiques. I think another thing that affects it is the fact that this story used to be only 5 parts. I extended the chapter length because I feel like YWS readers tend to like shorter pieces. Thank you for another in-depth look at one of my stories!



RavenAkuma says...


Sounds awesome!!

And I can see why that would affect it for sure--it's hard to find that happy medium in terms of chapter length, between what works with the story and what readers prefer (which is definitely shorter chapters as you said ToT).

No problem, and happy to help!! :D



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Sat Sep 21, 2024 5:25 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hi Noah! I want to apologize in advance, I have not read any of the other chapters in this story. Hopefully I can still provide some help for you. :)

First off, I absolutely adore the artwork that you have included with this chapter! It's so well-done and helps set the scene for the reader by providing a visual for this universe.

With that said, here are a few grammatical nitpicks I noticed while reading, as well as my overall thoughts on the chapter.

Their directive was to kill two woman: Raiya and Diana, who betrayed DRU decades ago.


two women*

Also, consider adding the punctuation edits I have added in bold, to help the sentence flow.

Kitty laid, lying on her side


There's no need to say laid and lying, I would edit out lying and just say "Kitty laid on her side".

She narrowed her eyes so Fi barley noticed when they quietly and slowly sat up out of bed and wandered into the ruins of their old home,


barely* (I do this so often on mobile so I feel you...)

Also this sentence has me a little confused. Why is Kitty narrowing her eyes? Also, it took me a bit more reading to realize that the "they" you speak of is Fi. I assumed at first you meant "they" as in Fi and Kitty, mostly because of the way this sentence is written. I would rework the beginning of the sentence to make it more clear that this is being said from Fi's perspective.

Everything settled into the sand, what was once a great civilization reduced to peaceful ashes.


Change the comma to a semi-colon.

They stood in front of the ruins of what was once their home. When a light chittering noise


Change the period to a comma. These two sentences work better as a compound sentence than as two separate ones.

The picture was tattered, it was overexposed, cracked.


I would keep this sentence simple and use the commas to list these adjectives out, like so: The picture was tattered, overexposed, and cracked.

The audio was distorted, like the film had been ripped out and cut into pieces, and stuffed back into the box.


Change that first "and" into a comma.

The words repeated “Joji Prefecture is stronger


Add a comma after "repeated", before the dialogue begins.

Her eyes were once bright green, now they were a deep, emotionless green.


You used the word "green" twice in the same sentence. Consider editing it and being more descriptive. Green eyes are fun to describe and there's plenty of ways to describe the color green. You don't need to go overboard with it but spice it up just a tad bit.

Raiya looked into Fi’s eyes, she could only see two decades of confusion


Change the comma to a semi-colon.


Here are my thoughts on the chapter itself. Your narrative writing style is very good. Even though I have not read the previous chapters, I still had a basic understanding of what this world is like and the journey these two characters are on. You did so in a way that felt natural and I like that you didn't info dump on the reader or spoon-feed them all of the information. You took your time with the pacing of the story and reading it felt natural.

I also like how descriptive you are with the scenery. You showed us this world by describing the desert, the surroundings, etc. I also like that each character in the story, even the ones we met briefly, each had different and distinctive personalities. The fight at the end of the story was especially good, I felt the desperation from both sides, the primal need to survive the fight and to keep living. Finally, I felt the sweet bond that had formed between Fi and Kitty, especially at the end, when Fi killed Raiya in order to protect Kitty.

With that said, I do think you need to work on your punctuation skills. There were many instances where commas were missing or were needed instead of a period. You could also benefit from using semi-colons here and there - not all the time, but occasionally, as to help the sentence flow. Some sentences were a little funky and I provided feedback on those but I did not write down all of the ones I noticed, so I recommend you comb through and edit where you see fit.

Besides that, I really enjoyed reading this! I hope this review provided some insight for you.

~ Iggy




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Tue Jul 23, 2024 5:58 pm
1738RemyBoy wrote a review...



I believe that I shot myself in the foot for not reading any of the chapters prior or any of your older stories. It would have given me the context for the characters, world, narrative, and themes.
BUT!
A story can be critiqued on its validity at any point, and the best and most worthwhile writers can make that clear from their prose.
This final chapter tells me everything I need to know, and everything that matters in the end.
Fi and Kitty aren't having the best of times, and judging by their backstories and past experiences they probably don't have much in the way of stability.
This instability comes to a head when walking through the ruins. Not only does it serve to remind them of their past but I suppose its also a part of the central theme.
In this almost post-apocalyptic setting, what used to be a city is now nothing but remains of the past being swallowed up by a hungry desert. The environmental stroytelling is very good, the idea of great civilizations falling into obscurity is parallel to how Kitty and Fi recollect their families. The news report's message repeating the same message, “Joji Prefecture is stronger than it has ever been!” sounds almost propogandistic, ironic in the situation the characters find themselves in. To me this seems like another clue to what type of society this was: a deluded culture that was trying desperately to remain in control even while in collapse, or perhaps it was doing well and something really terrible happened.
Regardless, I believe these details give way to the central idea: hope. That is what Fi and Kitty have in their relationship, us against the world or whatever took its place. Fi promises to never stop fighting for Kitty in honor of her parents (or the old world).
I'd be interested to see if you had any idea for a continuation or maybe this is the end of Kitty and Fi's story. A part of me wishes for them to find something better than fighting. But I guess I just an optimist haha.
You are a very good writer and based on this chapter I'm sure that it remains true throughout the rest of "Plague of the Desert" and your other works. Well done!




goodolnoah says...


Aww thank you! Your comment really helped motivate me more honestly :D

I've made it a big goal of mine to make it clear what is happening in a story whether or not the reader is up to date with past writings. I am happy you were able to get a feel for how the world and characters are!




I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield