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try not to destroy everything you love

by dissonance

spring leaves us speechless and comatose.
you shudder. i have always been obsessed with
the movements of you; i sigh when you twist and convulse,
vertebrae rolling under my couch.

i can’t feel my jaw,
can’t feel the tip of my nose or my spine.
i bleed inward. i pray for my skull to give way
at the soft parts, implode at the seams.

we would've been forever, i say,
you and i would've been forever.

scars resurface like bodies in the dirt
after it storms. your ribcage is a shelter, a home
that no longer welcomes me.
you can’t get a word in otherwise.

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12 Reviews

Points: 135
Reviews: 12

Wed May 15, 2024 1:46 pm
AkiraEliza wrote a review...

I gotta admit, this is shorter than what I usually review, but that doesn't really matter very much. As long as you get your feelings across!
First thing, I'm not sure "poetry" is the right word. Some poems don't rhyme, but it usually doesn't sit right with me. It makes me feel like I'm reviewing a speech. I don't feel like any of of the lines are too long, but maybe the Jaw line is too short. Or at least, if a "poem" is what you're aiming for.
I can relate with the fourth. I had someone I was supposed to have a "forever" with. And honestly? I still don't know what I did wrong. And maybe I never will. But you know, I will tell you this: It doesn't really matter. I know I should eat my words, but I suggest you try to not go for revenge if this person left you. If this person is morphed, changed, "No longe a home that welcomes you". People change, and if that change isn't what you like, then you have every right to change, too. Maybe things will work out, and there is always a possibility that they won't. But the best revenge (if you like it as much as I do. It never sits right with me if I don't get revenge) is just living your life. Healing. When she/he sees that you're no longer affected, they'll try to turn it on you and go "Ha, I thought you missed me?" And my suggestion is to just ignore them and live even better.
Hang in there, okay? You'll make it :) Sorry if this review sounds weird!

dissonance says...

completely missed the point

dissonance says...

that came out ruder than it should have, sorry! thank you for your feedback; i think that typically feedback and criticism should be about the work itself, not the authors own character. thank you again.

User avatar
10 Reviews

Points: 404
Reviews: 10

Mon May 06, 2024 10:59 pm
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twilight1205 wrote a review...

This Poem is absolutely amazing! and the imagrey of "I pray for my skull to give way at the soft parts, implode at the seams"...YIKES! The visually image of the brain literally imploding is CRAZY! This poem shows me the after effects of losing someone, and what it does to you, how it makes you feel, not just emotionally, but physically as well! you did an amazing job and cant wait to see what else you come up with!

Revision is one of the exquisite pleasures of writing.
— Bernard Malamud