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Prince Edward

by ThekingsAdvisor


Prologue

The Milky palace, 1110 of the Year Of Light

Prince Edward opened the doors to his father's study revealing a neat room decorated with gold furnishings. A pristine red carpet ran through the room. Edward stared at the red carpet trying to ignore his moribund father who lay on top of the bed. Edward focused on the carpet trying to blur out his father from his peripheral visions. He was fighting with himself a part of him wanted to look at his father before he killed him and another part of him was overrun by emotions, emotions of impending grief and regret causing him to distract himself from looking at his father.

‘Edward is that you’ his father says. Edward doesn't respond. ‘Edward is that you’ his father asks again. Edward stop being so cowardly, reply dammit reply to your father, you cowardly moron Edward thought. ‘Edw-’ Before his father could ask again Edward responses ‘Yes father it is me...your son’. Edward's voice was quivering, and his father seemed to have noticed that,his father then says ‘Edward my son, I know it is hard for you, but you must do it. Your father cannot protect the realm i-’ his father then breaks into a series of brutal coughs. Before he could run to his father his father extends his arm indicating not to come close. He knew that his father feared the illness might pass to Edward. The feeling of helplessness filled Edward's mind. After recovering from the series of brutal coughs his father continued again ‘As I was saying...I your father cannot continue to act as the Light, you have to become the new light and fill my now soon-to-be empty space’. Edward slowly approached his father.

Upon coming closer to his father's bed his face became clear, his father's face had lost all of its youthfulness and was replaced by wrinkles and a tinge of sickly red. His hair was white and his eyes were robbed of the golden color and replaced by a dull yellow. ‘Edward....refrain from looking at my face, it will make it harder for you’ his father said. Edward obeyed; he focused his gaze on his father's throat.

Edward slowly raised the silver dagger with both of his hands. The point of the dagger was directly pointing at his father's Adam apple. Stop hesitating you idiot you are just making it harder for yourself; Edward thought. Edward then in a swift and precise motion digged the dagger in his father's throat. Edward let go of the dagger, crimson blood started to gush out like a geyser. His father couldn't move because of paralysis –one of the symptoms of the illness but he was able to see the tension in his father's face, his father was trying to hold in the scream. Edward didnt want to make it more painful for his father, so he got hold of the dagger again and pressured it in more. His father finally let go of the tension and tried to scream, but he failed.

After some time, his father stopped struggling indicating his death. Edward looked at his blood-covered hands, he wanted to scream but he couldn't. It was as if he had lost his voice. Abruptly, phantoms appeared on top of his father. Upon looking at them Edward started to feel two emotions, fear and dread. It was his first time seeing the phantoms. It's not that he didn't witness any deaths before, but the phantoms were only visible to the people who were involved with the person's death. The phantoms were dark and hazy absence of any limbs. Slowly from his father's body, the soul started to leak out. the soul was like the Phantoms except it had all the normal human futures. Inside of his father's soul, there was a glowing marble that dropped out from his father's soul and fell on top of the bed.

Edward then looked back up to find the phantoms and his father gone. Edward quickly picked the marble up. It was blazing and warm. Slowly the marble that contained the “Gift” was absorbed into Edwards's body. Indicating that the ritual was over and that he had become the new Light.

Edward broke into the floor, the trauma of killing his father and witnessing the works of the soul takers left him immobile. Loneliness and grief filled Edward's heart.

Edward then proceeded to spend the rest of the night in his father's study. 

"The Kings, guardians of the realm, are not gods. They live among us like mortals, so do not bow to them." — 1st law from the Kings Code, by King Magnus(The founding Light).


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Stickied -- Tue Apr 02, 2024 6:55 pm
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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello, My Friend!

Pleasure to meet you! I am Raven, and I’d like to review this beginning chapter using my Familiar method today! In other words, I use a fancy template that fits a fantasy-horror writer, heh. Let’s dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…

What The Black Eyes See...

(Impressions and general thoughts:) This was a fantastic and fascinating introduction to your story! The atmosphere of gloom, fear, and grim anticipation was spot on, before leading to a shocking and emotional moment for this main character. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

(Corrections and recommendations:) You really did a great job building up the moment, and narrating the main character's emotions. The dialogue fit the tone and felt natural, and your descriptions made for many great mental pictures. That being said, there are a few little things I could recommend in good spirit, free to take or leave.

The first was toward the beginning:

Edward stared at the red carpet trying to ignore his moribund father who lay on top of the bed. Edward focused on the carpet trying to blur out his father from his peripheral visions.


These lines felt just a little bit repetitive since they describe the same action. Maybe condensing them a bit would help. Example: "Edward focused on the red carpet beneath him. He was trying to blur out his moribund father, who was lying on top of the bed, from his peripheral vision."

Then, a minor *potential* error in this sentence:

Edward then in a swift and precise motion digged the dagger in his father's throat.


"Digged" is technically the proper term in Archaic English, but maybe to better fit the otherwise modern writing style, it could be substituted with "dug" here?

The next could be pretty subjective so be wary, or even skip if you like. This has to do with overall formatting. For example, with your dialogue, I would personally recommend starting a new paragraph whenever someone else speaks, and perhaps using double quotation marks instead of single ones? This is a little more traditional, and it could also help break up some of those meaty paragraphs. Full of brilliant content, mind you, but maybe would draw more readers' attention if they were spaced out a little bit.

Finally, descriptions! As I mentioned, they made for great visuals, but maybe to really grip and pull your readers into the moment, you could give us some more sensory details. You described the "marble" as something blazing and warm, so that's a good start. Maybe before that, Edward feels the air turn cold as the phantoms arrive, or the reek of fresh blood makes it harder for him to continue. This is something I'm trying to improve in my own writing too; it's easy to overlook, but these are very powerful elements to use in a story, especially in fantasy settings.

Now of course, this is all just my opinion, and I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. The chapter is great as it is as well ~

Why The Grin Widened...

(Highlights and favorite moments:) Oof! It's hard to pick a favorite moment! There were so many great elements!

I said it once, so I'll say it again; descriptions! Your visuals were simply amazing, with the lavish keywords and attention to detail -but not so much that the moment becomes cluttered or takes away from Edwards's impending actions and emotions. It immediately drew my attention as the chapter began:

Prince Edward opened the doors to his father's study revealing a neat room decorated with gold furnishings. A pristine red carpet ran through the room. Edward stared at the red carpet trying to ignore his moribund father who lay on top of the bed.


Nicely done! Then, as the chapter elaborates on Edward's inner thoughts, it gives us a little glimpse into his character.

Edward stop being so cowardly, reply dammit reply to your father, you cowardly moron


I felt like this, among other details of self-reflection, was a good way of telling us that Edward has respect for his father, despite what he's about to do. And by extension, maybe a bit of doubt in himself. And even though the motive seems clear enough, there are questions to be made about why Edward did this, and if it was the right choice. Very interesting!

On that note, the many moments of hesitation, and trying to avoid looking at his crime, really built up the emotion of the chapter. It made everything feel very genuine, and it was easy to empathize with the main character. So, great work there.

And finally, Edward becoming the new Light:

Slowly the marble that contained the “Gift” was absorbed into Edwards's body. Indicating that the ritual was over and that he had become the new Light.


It's a fascinating moment, with the phantoms and his father's spirit, and it leaves me very curious about the implications. What it means for the main character, what it will cost him, and the responsibilities he will have. By extension, I find myself hoping to read more. And that's exactly what you want out of an opening chapter, so great work!

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, this was a great introduction and you have piqued my interest for sure! Nicely done! :D

Image




ThekingsAdvisor says...


Thank you, i really cannot express how much i appreciate this review. When i was Reviewing this to make sure it was good, i was very dissatisfied with my work, but from the way you described my work i am feeling a lot more confident. Thank you, but this was a prologue for a book that i am writing so i have no plans to publish my chapters in this website until i am done with it(after which i will try to traditional publish,but if it doesn't workout then i will post it on other websites to build a small fandom). But it seems to me that you have enjoyed my writing so if you want me to write a story/novel to realese on this website then i would be very happy to write, and thank you again for taking your time and writing a review for my poorly written story. Thank you



RavenAkuma says...


No problem! I wouldn't want to pressure you to publish anything you're not ready to, especially since I follow a similar publishing pattern (so I get what you mean lol). Just keep writing and you're sure to improve! Reading too, you can learn a lot from other authors. And of course, if you're feeling uncertain again, YWS could help again. If not me, then one of the other many great reviewers ~

Anyway, I'm happy to have read, both to help you and because I enjoyed this prologue a lot ^^



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Fri Apr 05, 2024 2:53 pm
RangerofIthilien wrote a review...



Hello there!
I’m Ranger, here to leave a review on this amazing work! Let’s dive into it!

Some of my first impressions was that this was fantasy. I absolutely love fantasy and it is probably my favorite genre. In this genre, this was an awesome piece to read! It spurred my curiosity of what would happen next the entire way and captivated me entirely! It was surely a journey from beginning to end!

A couple things I did note along that journey where some possible places to improve.
The first thing I noticed was how abrupt the scene switched from Edward’s father speaking to his death. In that scene specifically I felt like there could have been more his father said but was cut off. I was left waiting for an impactful goodbye so when one never came it gave off a slightly jarring feel and caught me off guard. (Although, if that’s what you were going for, you did an excellent job!)
One other thing I happened to see was here:

Inside of his father's soul, there was a glowing marble that dropped out from his father's soul and fell on top of the bed.

I found mentioning his father’s soul twice in the one sentence was a bit repetitive and would have been just as clear without mentioning it the second time.

Despite the critiques, there was a ton I really loved in this piece!
Right off the bat, I loved that you put the location and date at the top. It’s always great when books do that so you know right where the characters are and could easily find them on a map.
Secondly, all of the descriptions you put in throughout the scene was amazing! I love being able to visualize the scene I’m in while I’m reading it and with this it felt like I was actually there, watching as things played out.
Continuing on, I greatly enjoyed the way you included Edward’s thoughts. It gave me a better feel for his character and who he is as well as a more personable attachment and connection.
Lastly but certainly not least, the quote at the end had a very powerful impact! It helped solidify the events of what had happened before and gave a grounding and excellent closure!

Overall, this was a thrilling piece to read and I look forward to reading more like it in the future! (I am very excited as to what will happen next!) I hope this was helpful and that you have an amazing day!




ThekingsAdvisor says...


Thank you for the review.



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Wed Apr 03, 2024 1:39 am
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Logan15 wrote a review...



I love this!
The first thing I want to say is that I love how you described Edward's father; it was very realistic, and I got a clear image of what he looked like lying there. It was obvious that Edward's father was not going to live much longer, which was a good thing to convey. Since you did such a great job describing this, what if you put in a little more detail about how the dagger looked before and after Edward killed his father? You also did a great job with describing how Edward did it.
I would put a semicolon instead of a comma in the sentence "Edward looked at his blood-covered hands, he wanted to scream but he couldn't." So it would be, "... blood-covered hands; he wanted..." instead. It makes the sentence run smoother and seem a bit more sophisticated, for lack of a better word. (Sorry, I couldn't think of the right word to display what I meant. I hope you get the message.)
I absolutely love how you ended it! The ending left me wanting more, which I find perfect for a prologue. I'm curious to see where this goes and what was meant be Edward becoming the new Light. I would most definitely read this!!
Keep up the amazing work; you are wonderful! Have a great day/night!





Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo