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Misty Mourning - Ch. 1 Ep. 1

by Wr3n


Part 1

Chapter 1.1: Elias

Back in 2030, our world collapsed. No one knows how it happened, but a poisonous mist began to cover the streets from midnight to noon. So many were caught off guard; tragic.

It’s been quiet for a while. I hear the waves crashing rhythmically against the sand of the Venice beach. “Elias!” I jump at the sound of my father’s voice.

I sigh and reply, “Yes?”

“Come help me with this order! We have a customer coming as soon as the mist lets up.”

My dad runs a bakery in town, opened it 2 years after the mist appeared. That, however, was 10 years ago.

Welcome to 2042, you’ll hate it.

I walk down the stairs to the main shop, where my dad is at the front counter taking calls. I check the clock on the wall, 10:54. About 2 hours until these customers come. Perfect.

“What do you need me to do?” I ask my dad, while putting on my apron. He hands me a list and a smile. “Just get started, they’ll be here soon.” and so I do.

I finish in an hour, leaving me with plenty of spare time to get ready. I take off my apron, hanging it on the hook behind the door, before making my way up the stairs to change clothes.

I rummage through my closet, ultimately deciding to wear my strawberry pink hoodie with some denim jeans. I look in the mirror hung from my door and fix my dark hair so that it’s mildly covering my eyes. I take a last look and decide that I want to wear jewelry of some kind, so I put on some small hoop earrings and head for the door. I slip on my white sneakers and open the front door to leave. I check the clock on the wall once more, 1:30. I become nauseous at how little time I have.

“I’m going to Carmyn’s house, Dad!” I quickly say before closing the door behind me, not waiting for a response.

The streets are cold and bare. No one’s outside yet, which is odd considering the time. Usually, people decide to start their days around 12:30, since the mist is fully dissolved by then.

On the route I take, there’s a park. I check the time, 1:42. I’ve been walking for twelve minutes. I decide to stop at the park for a bit, just for a bit, to take a break from walking.

I step inside of the wooden gate that surrounds the park, the wind still moving steadily along. At first glance, I see some swings, a sandpit, and a tetherball pole, missing the ball. Under closer inspection, I see the swings rusting, the sand thrown everywhere, and the grass the park sits on browning.

It makes me sad how people can be so careless to places like this.

I walk into the park, and go to sit on one of the swings. I choose the one with the least amount of visible rust. I slowly swing back and forth for a while, my feet never completely leaving the ground. The wind picks up a bit, and a candy wrapper glides past me.

After what feels like a minute or two, a boy, fairly tall with blonde curls and tan skin, walks through the gate. His head is down as he wanders aimlessly on the opposite side of the grounds.

I notice I’ve stopped swinging, and stand up. This catches his attention, and his head whips up to face me.

“Hey,” I say, lifting my arm a bit to wave awkwardly.

“Hi.” He responds, though his voice is almost a whisper, making it difficult to hear him properly.

We both sit in this awkward silence for a while, before I sit back down and take out my phone, 2:10. I sigh.

“So,” The boy finally says. “You live near here?” I flinch slightly at the sudden question.

“No, just visiting a relative.” I say, but I can tell that he isn’t satisfied with that answer. “My sister,” I continue, “She lives a few miles away from me and my dad, so I come visit her every once in a while.”

“You’re sister?” He says curiously. “If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?”

“You first.”

“I’m 18.”

“Oh.” I say, “I’m 17.”

We end up talking for another while, in which I find out a bit about this mysterious boy. I learn that his name is Vesper, he has a brother 4 years older than him, and he lives with his dad in an apartment down the block. In return, I tell him my situation as well. Like how Carmyn is 6 years older than me and I help dad run the bakery.

“You own a bakery?” His excitement is genuine. “I’ll have to go sometime.” I chuckle at his words.

Without thinking. I check the time on my phone. 2:40. My smile fades a bit. “Hey, I have to get going if I’m gonna make it there and back before midnight. Do you want to exchange numbers?” I realize what I said the moment after they come out of my mouth. Though it’s too late to turn back now. “Only if you want to.”

He laughs. “Sure.” And so we do.

I walk for a few more minutes until I reach the building Carmyn lives in. Her neighbor, Mrs. Jule, a kind older woman with beautiful platinum hair usually pulled into a bun, recognizes me for the first time while I walk down the street.

“Oh hey, you’re Carmyn’s brother, she came over for tea yesterday and couldn’t stop talking about you,” She giggles. The idea makes my face brighten.

I respond with an awkward chuckle and a wave, before knocking on the door. Carmyn opens it, and the split second before her expression changes I can see how tired she seems. Her eyes dropped much lower than usual, her smile nonexistent, and the bags under her eyes quite noticeable.

She gasps whenever she sees me, before finally saying, “Elias! What are you doing here? I thought you weren’t coming to visit for another week.”My cheeks go red again, I had forgotten I promised to come over next week.

“Surprise?” I say a bit quieter than my usual voice, and a bit more enthusiastic.

“Gosh, if I knew you were coming I would have cleaned up a bit, baked cookies or something.” She whispers, reaching out to put her hand on my shoulder. “You’ve gotten so much bigger than when I last saw you. Did you get a haircut?”

I chuckle, running a hand through my hair, “It’s only been 3 months, Carmyn.”

“Really? That long?”

“Yeah, that long. Now can we go inside?”

“Oh! Right!”

Carmyn steps out of the doorway to let me in, then directs me to the couch in the next room. She, however, doesn’t sit down and goes to the kitchen to make tea.

“What kind of tea do you want?”

“Whatever you have.”

“Matcha it is, then.” She says, rummaging through some cupboards. I let out a weak laugh. “So,” She starts, “What have you been doing recently? Any new drama you want to fill me in on?”

“Just the usual, though I did meet someone today.”

“You met someone?”

“Yeah, his name was Vesper. I stopped at the park on my way here and ran into him.”

“Vesper..” She says, the tone in her voice suggests she recognizes the name.

“Do you know him?” I ask.

“Not directly, Mrs. Jule was talking about him at tea yesterday.”

“Oh yeah, she told me about that. Didn’t know you were the type to socialize with neighbors.”

She laughs, “I'm not usually. So, how’s Eleanor?” I freeze, my body gets colder and my eyes start to burn, as if holding tears that just won’t come out.

“Uhm,” I start, “She, she died last month.” My voice breaks further with every word, and I feel a tear run down my cheek. My head is facing the floor now. Carmyn walks over with the tea, her face filled with horror.

“Oh, oh.” She whispers. “I, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine, you didn’t know.” I say, composing myself.

We sit and talk for a while more, but the mood is still rather grim. After a bit more I hear my ringtone play. I reach over and grab my phone off of the table to see who’s calling. It’s my dad. I press answer and put the phone to my ear.

“Hello?” I say.

“Hey, are you heading home soon? It’s 7 o’clock.” Goosebumps cover my body.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be there soon.” I say, hanging up the phone. “It’s getting late, I'll see you later.” I’m standing up and rushing out of the door before Carmyn has a chance to respond.

I’ll text her when I get home.

*Note: Hey, everybody! So here's the first episode of my story, Misty Mourning. Last time I posted about this story on here was in February, lol, so I hope you can forgive me for that. If you enjoyed or have any questions or comments, please feel free to share and have a wonderful day! (Word count: 1434)

Signing off,

Wren.


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Sat Apr 06, 2024 2:31 am
Moonlily wrote a review...



hello hello, I hope you dont mind me coming in with a review. I do want to start by saying that this might be a bit of a shorter one and somewhat Nitpicky. Overall it's a solid intro however I am a bit confused by some parts. So in the start, it says that the mist is going as the order is being picked up after so why is the MC fine outside, if it's hours away I feel the food would be stale/cold by then right? If the mist is going then why are they confused it's empty I feel that a lot of people would play it safe. Maybe you could have it where he's wearing safety gear and there could be a little moment where he takes off the mask and hangs it with his dads. It is small but would do a lot to show rather than tell and make the world seem real.

On top of showing and not telling I do have some ideas that my opinion and in no means have to be taken. First instead of saying that the mist appeared it would be cool if we saw it happen from say the dad's POV in a prologue I feel it could add a strong hook and cut down on info dumping. secondly, it is much smaller but instead of saying that MC talked about her sister and dad Since don't really know much actually showing what their saying would make more sense. Since it would give both insights and help build the MCS character. In my mind saying then we talked about this is used if it doesn't matter or is info the reader already knows. I.E I then filled in my dad about how tired she looked.
Other than those small nitpicks it is a strong idea and I feel this might turn into an LGTBQ+ romance I get that undertone.

Keep writing and drink water!




Wr3n says...


Hello! Firstly, thank you so much for your review! Very valid point about the baked goods, I'm not quite sure either. I don't think I specified the goods, so you can assume it's like cake or doughnuts (Aka, something that doesn't have to be eaten immediately to still taste good). I found the comment about safety gear kind of funny, because in the original plot (I've rewritten this 3 times) they did have masks, but I felt like it made the entire plot point of the mist seem unnecessary, because as long as you owned a mask, you had nothing to worry about. I will write a bonus chapter about the mists first coming, so thank you for that idea! On the topic of show not tell, that's never been one of my strong suits, lol. I will definitely take your advice into consideration to improve that, though! I would also like to clarify, Elias identifies as male :). (Keep that undertone in mind)

Thank you so much again for your review!



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Wed Apr 03, 2024 1:42 pm
keeperofgaming wrote a review...



This seems interesting.

When I smiled:

Elias seems like a good kid, his caring for his sister to the point that he forgets when he promised to visit and simply goes to visit was so fun. I also like how he was friends with that one guy, Vesper. I find it fun that they became quick friends, but with how dark this story seems to be bending too, I'm almost scared to see how it will progress.

The Mist seems interesting, it provides a sense of urgency and caution, even if us, the reader, doesn't know exactly what it is. It's an interesting idea. I love the idea of the Mist being some sort of unknown even in this place, even if they are used to it.

A Line to Remember:

"I realize what I said the moment after they come out of my mouth. Though it’s too late to turn back now."

This seems interesting, why is there some sorta stigma against sharing numbers. I'm interested in that getting explained more in the future.

The Catalyst's Growth:

Already kinda covered in When I Smiled.


Corrections:

“Elias! What are you doing here? I thought you weren’t coming to visit for another week.”My cheeks
Needs a space/\
|
Overall:

Really well done. Can't wait to see how it continues.




Wr3n says...


Ah! hank you for the correction. I must've missed then when reading through.



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Sat Mar 30, 2024 11:56 pm
22Midnight wrote a review...



Hi names 22Midnight
hope your doing well, let's get into it!

Part 1

Chapter 1.1: Elias

Back in 2030, our world collapsed. No one knows how it happened, but a poisonous mist began to cover the streets from midnight to noon. So many were caught off guard; tragic.


that sounds horrible just imagen your going on your daily walk and then a purple mist comes then you see everyone dying around you and dying with you

It’s been quiet for a while. I hear the waves crashing rhythmically against the sand of the Venice beach. “Elias!” I jump at the sound of my father’s voice.

I sigh and reply, “Yes?”

“Come help me with this order! We have a customer coming as soon as the mist lets up.”


day dreaming is awesome but then people have to mess it up like really come on let me think over gloomy stuff

My dad runs a bakery in town, opened it 2 years after the mist appeared. That, however, was 10 years ago.

Welcome to 2042, you’ll hate it.

I walk down the stairs to the main shop, where my dad is at the front counter taking calls. I check the clock on the wall, 10:54. About 2 hours until these customers come. Perfect.


i already hate 2024 how mush worse can this get, *whispers* don't answer that, but a bakery yum can i have a cupcake and some donuts please!

“What do you need me to do?” I ask my dad, while putting on my apron. He hands me a list and a smile. “Just get started, they’ll be here soon.” and so I do.

I finish in an hour, leaving me with plenty of spare time to get ready. I take off my apron, hanging it on the hook behind the door, before making my way up the stairs to change clothes.


yes spare times great, her dad sounds nice but also tired like he works really hard but still can't get much money on the table due to the circumstances with the mist.

I rummage through my closet, ultimately deciding to wear my strawberry pink hoodie with some denim jeans. I look in the mirror hung from my door and fix my dark hair so that it’s mildly covering my eyes. I take a last look and decide that I want to wear jewelry of some kind, so I put on some small hoop earrings and head for the door. I slip on my white sneakers and open the front door to leave. I check the clock on the wall once more, 1:30. I become nauseous at how little time I have.


she looks so pretty i swear i can see it right now, but what she going to do now help her dad in the bakery for the rest of the day, so little time and so much to do i'm out of breath just thinking about it

“I’m going to Carmyn’s house, Dad!” I quickly say before closing the door behind me, not waiting for a response.

The streets are cold and bare. No one’s outside yet, which is odd considering the time. Usually, people decide to start their days around 12:30, since the mist is fully dissolved by then.


yes don't wait for a reply just go it's always the best idea, until you get back home and he tells you to wait for a reply next time, maybe everyone else is also trying to count pennies to pay for another visit to the wonderful bakery

On the route I take, there’s a park. I check the time, 1:42. I’ve been walking for twelve minutes. I decide to stop at the park for a bit, just for a bit, to take a break from walking.

I step inside of the wooden gate that surrounds the park, the wind still moving steadily along. At first glance, I see some swings, a sandpit, and a tetherball pole, missing the ball. Under closer inspection, I see the swings rusting, the sand thrown everywhere, and the grass the park sits on browning.


oof i guess kids don't play often outside in conditions like this so they don't bother maintaining it, the stuff inside is probably more valuable to them because its safer when the mist spreads in

It makes me sad how people can be so careless to places like this.

I walk into the park, and go to sit on one of the swings. I choose the one with the least amount of visible rust. I slowly swing back and forth for a while, my feet never completely leaving the ground. The wind picks up a bit, and a candy wrapper glides past me.


*screams* don't sit on that, it might be to rusty to take your wait and then it'll break and you'll fall on your but then it'll be bruised and hard to sit on for the next week!

After what feels like a minute or two, a boy, fairly tall with blonde curls and tan skin, walks through the gate. His head is down as he wanders aimlessly on the opposite side of the grounds.

I notice I’ve stopped swinging, and stand up. This catches his attention, and his head whips up to face me.


shame boy sounds gloomy like his had a hard depressing day, not surprised i'd be depressed to, don't catch his attention don't you have some where you need to be

“Hey,” I say, lifting my arm a bit to wave awkwardly.

“Hi.” He responds, though his voice is almost a whisper, making it difficult to hear him properly.

We both sit in this awkward silence for a while, before I sit back down and take out my phone, 2:10. I sigh.

“So,” The boy finally says. “You live near here?” I flinch slightly at the sudden question.


you spoke to him, hmm i guess this kind of stuff makes you very isolated from humans there for anyone could possibly be a friend to you

“No, just visiting a relative.” I say, but I can tell that he isn’t satisfied with that answer. “My sister,” I continue, “She lives a few miles away from me and my dad, so I come visit her every once in a while.”

“You’re sister?” He says curiously. “If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?”

“You first.”

“I’m 18.”

“Oh.” I say, “I’m 17.”


i guess he was hoping to see her more often, now his trying to find out your age, *thinks* okay well i guess that's fine

We end up talking for another while, in which I find out a bit about this mysterious boy. I learn that his name is Vesper, he has a brother 4 years older than him, and he lives with his dad in an apartment down the block. In return, I tell him my situation as well. Like how Carmyn is 6 years older than me and I help dad run the bakery.


they have something in common a sibling that is older then them, okay i'm getting worried though are all the mothers in this story...dead because there has been zero mention of them so far

I walk for a few more minutes until I reach the building Carmyn lives in. Her neighbor, Mrs. Jule, a kind older woman with beautiful platinum hair usually pulled into a bun, recognizes me for the first time while I walk down the street.

“Oh hey, you’re Carmyn’s brother, she came over for tea yesterday and couldn’t stop talking about you,” She giggles. The idea makes my face brighten.


this last paragraph I found slightly confusing because isn't the main character Carmyn's sister not brother, unless this is just a joke and that's why she giggles, also she's an old lady with good sense of humor hmm probably the later then.

so jumping on ahead a little

She laughs, “I'm not usually. So, how’s Eleanor?” I freeze, my body gets colder and my eyes start to burn, as if holding tears that just won’t come out.

“Uhm,” I start, “She, she died last month.” My voice breaks further with every word, and I feel a tear run down my cheek. My head is facing the floor now. Carmyn walks over with the tea, her face filled with horror.


i guess Eleanor is her mother, shame i want to know how she died was it the mist what happened, did she go out to early did she come into late all these questions

“Hello?” I say.

“Hey, are you heading home soon? It’s 7 o’clock.” Goosebumps cover my body.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be there soon.” I say, hanging up the phone. “It’s getting late, I'll see you later.” I’m standing up and rushing out of the door before Carmyn has a chance to respond.

I’ll text her when I get home.


RUN you need to get home before you die from poisonous gas, you really should keep an eye on the time it's important for survival, i hate goosebumps they make me feel all prickly.

this was a great chapter and i enjoyed reading it hope to see the next chapter out soon

anyway that's it from me

hope you have a great dawn/dusk/midnight

See Ya




Wr3n says...


Hello! I really enjoyed the commentary, lol. I would like to clarify a small detail for you, though! I'll get right to it, mc is a male. I offer my apologies for the confusion on that. Though, i must say, the mix-up was entertaining. Thank you so much for reading and I hope to see you next chapter!



22Midnight says...


XD I'll keep that in mind next time. :D look forward to reading it!




Knowledge is power.
— Francis Bacon