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by ThoughtfulArtist

I was bleeding the whole day, but no one could see.

Cause, the wounds were deep inside me.

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119 Reviews

Points: 1002
Reviews: 119

Tue Feb 13, 2024 3:53 pm
GengarIsBestBoy wrote a review...

Howdy hey! Gengar here to leave a review! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know

This kind of reminds me of the kind of nu-metal songs you'd see commonly in the 2000's, in terms of the themes of mental health problems. But that's not an insult, because those kinds of songs are cool :D.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements

There's nothing wrong with short poems, but this one feels like it is an excerpt from a larger piece. There are some details missing, and it almost feels like there was meant to be something before the first line. However, if this story is an excerpt from a longer story, then you can ignore this advice

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece

I like the emotion that was put into it. Even though it is so short, you managed to convey the speaker's feelings clearly, and you also were able to imply mental health issues without explicitly saying so. I especially liked how the second line is bigger and is bolded, because it adds emphasis

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts

Overall, this is a cool poem that I enjoyed reading. These two lines alone were well-written, so if you ever wrote anything bigger I think it'd be a nice read!

I hope my review could be helpful. I wish you a good day/night!

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ThoughtfulArtist says...

Thanks for your comment. And yes it is a part of one of my poems that I haven't posted.

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207 Reviews

Points: 28589
Reviews: 207

Tue Feb 13, 2024 1:02 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...

Salutations, curious mind!

Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

All in all

This party rocked, let's take a quick look!

Based on these two lines you’ve written here, I can only say that your poem Rocks!
Not only do they hit hard, it also looks like they also have some meaning and “hidden memories” in them.

You have chosen a strong title which fits really well with your piece and actually summarises your work nicely. Great thinking there!

The formatting of the separate sentences also gives off a whole other vibe. The bold one emphasises the pain of the writer even more. This is great, because that way your reader can really connect with your work.

You could work on:✒️
The following suggestions are merely to help you improve on your writing and not to offend you in any way. Feel free to skip these suggestions, if these are not what you aim for.

The only thing I’d like to say is that you could have fleshed out your story a little more. I know this is supposed to be a two liner, but a short story would be nice too, right? I agree that this is a sensitive topic and needs to be handled with care, but that doesn't mean you can't take risks and learn.

For example, you could start your first chapter off with something like:
I walked around in the house which I hadn’t called home in a long time. Everyone was there, but also not. All busy with their daily life routine, too busy to ask me how I'm feeling or if I needed a hug or something. I was bleeding the whole day, but no one could see. Cause, the wounds were deep inside me.

Overall Feelings:

This is an amazing two liner, as I said before I’m sure you had great inspiration from your poem. Apart from making this longer, this was a nice read.

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Amaya Statham
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

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ThoughtfulArtist says...

Thanks for you advice. Well, this two liner is a part of a poem that I wrote and soon I'll be posting it.

“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables