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Lonely

by BlackMagician


The night grew darker.

I sat there all alone by myself,
nobody's hand to hold at night.
People passed me as if
I was not visible to their eyes.
The night became lonelier.
Sitting on the seashore with a smile on my face,
even though I wasn't happy.
I smiled with tears rolling down from my eyes,
seeing the beautiful sight.
Moving on is not as easy as it seems.
It is impossible to forget the memories,
whether they are happy or sad.
Memories don't fade away
as soon as they fade away from your life.
I couldn't bear the thought of losing someone I love again.
So I chose to be alone, all alone.
I shared my happiness and sorrows only with myself,
distancing myself from everyone.
It feels like a relief.
I think I am better off alone,
without anyone.


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21 Reviews

Points: 739
Reviews: 21

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Thu Feb 15, 2024 4:56 pm
Lullaby wrote a review...



Hello! I read your poem and really wanted to write my thoughts on the piece. First, I want to thank you for having the courage to share your poetry online, it takes a lot to share that part of your mind with strangers who can pick it apart. I will begin with things I found favorable in my eyes before moving on to any suggestions (if I have any). Let’s begin!

→ This poem really embodies that feeling of loneliness, but a type of loneliness that feels necessary in order to protect oneself from harm of others. It’s a clear emotion portrayed from beginning to end, and is a really relatable emotion that people struggle with on knowing who to trust, or if they should even let anyone in once they are hurt.
→ The opening line

The night grew darker
as a stand-alone line gives a good introduction to the overall gloomy and depressing mood of the rest of the poem. The rest of the poem follows this with images of the seashore and the tears. Even the emphasis of being alone at the beginning of the poem to the end shows that the narrator feels there is no other option besides being all alone, even if it isn’t what they truly want.
→ The lines
Memories don't fade away
as soon as they fade away from your life.
is such a powerful thought that I feel emphasize the emotion portrayed.
→ The structure of the poem is clean, and the grammar is well done. It flowed well and I didn’t feel stumped at all while reading. The only suggestion I could give is to flesh out more on the images or give more imagery mixed in. However, what you have written does well on its own, so that suggestion is truly up to you. Really well done!

As always, keep writing and never give up on the things you feel passionate about.
- Lullaby *ੈ✩‧₊˚




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237 Reviews

Points: 22134
Reviews: 237

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Mon Feb 12, 2024 3:34 am
Spearmint wrote a review...



Hey BlackMagician!! I hope you're enjoying YWS so far. ^-^
I found this to be a really interesting poem; I love that it covers the theme of loneliness, which I don't see as commonly in poetry. The sounds are also excellent, such as the long "i" sound with night/eyes/sight/life.
It's been a bit since I've reviewed poetry, so perhaps I'll break this review down using my reactions to every few lines.

The night grew darker.

I'm not sure if it was intentional to have this line slightly separated from the rest or not. Either way, it's a neat parallel to have the night grow darker while the narrator's feelings seem to become darker as well.

I sat there all alone by myself,
nobody's hand to hold at night.

"all alone by myself" could be a bit repetitive -> "all alone" and "by myself" mean nearly the same thing. But it could also serve to emphasize that the narrator is alone, which is cool!
Side note: I usually don't critique things in poetry, since each detail is often purposeful xD I do like to give suggestions and random ideas, however, so here's one idea: perhaps it would be interesting to explore being lonely, but not alone. Or alone, but not lonely.

People passed me as if
I was not visible to their eyes.

Here, "not visible" sounded a little clunky to me. Perhaps "invisible" would flow better? It's absolutely up to you, though (in fact, take all these comments with a grain of salt-- in the end, you're the author and you know what you were trying to convey).

The night became lonelier.

Interesting callback/twist to the first line. I wonder if you could add a third line that's like those two?

Sitting on the seashore with a smile on my face,
even though I wasn't happy.
I smiled with tears rolling down from my eyes,
seeing the beautiful sight.

Love the alliteration with sitting/seashore/smile, as well as the apparent contradiction between smiling and crying.

Moving on is not as easy as it seems.
It is impossible to forget the memories,
whether they are happy or sad.
Memories don't fade away
as soon as they fade away from your life.

I like how in the previous chunk, the idea of a smile connects the two sentences, and how in this chunk, memories connect the two sentences.
It's also very true that moving on can be hard. Funny how many memories seem to be ephemeral, but certain memories can stick around.

I couldn't bear the thought of losing someone I love again.
So I chose to be alone, all alone.

Ah, and now we gain some insight into why the narrator is sitting by themself, crying/smiling by the seashore. Maybe their loneliness is a way to protect themself and others.

I shared my happiness and sorrows only with myself,
distancing myself from everyone.
It feels like a relief.

I get this <3 If you aren't close to anyone, you don't get hurt when they leave, intentionally or not.

I think I am better off alone,
without anyone.

There's similar repetition here, like with the "all alone by myself"; "alone" and "without anyone" have nearly the same meanings. Here, I like that "anyone" kind of echoes the "everyone", but with a twist.

Overall, this was a unique, poignant poem! Thanks for sharing, and I hope you keep writing! =D




BlackMagician says...


Thank you for giving critic feedback, I really appreciate it.



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30 Reviews

Points: 4067
Reviews: 30

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Mon Feb 12, 2024 3:30 am
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avianwings47 wrote a review...



Hello, fellow author! I saw your work in the Green Room and decided to deliver a Songbird Review for you, partially inspired by the YWS S'more Method! Let’s dive right into it! (Bird-style, of course)

Bird’s-Eye View: First Impressions!

I really enjoyed this poem! Although it is short, there is a lot to look at in here! I don't see a lot of imagery mixed in with emotional poems. (Though, I haven't read THAT much poetry, so keep that in mind! :D ) It was interesting to read!

From this poem, I interpreted almost a feeling of mourning, since you referenced the feeling of losing someone you love. This feeds into the feeling of loneliness, as the title suggests. I also felt like it captured the aspect of putting up fake smiles, even when you don't feel happy or smiley at all. Overall, you communicated a lot of feelings through this piece.

Flying High: Things I Loved!

One thing I thought you did really well with this piece is continuing the juxtaposition of happiness and sadness throughout the piece. There are multiple times you reference this contradiction, enforcing the main focus of this poem. And while this poem is titled "lonely," I feel you really captured the battle of joy and sorrow while missing someone. These two themes fit very nicely together, as they both can come hand-in-hand.

Another thing you did well is imagery. Imagery is difficult to portray in poems that are meant to convey emotion, but I feel you balanced imagery with emotion very well. We get glimpses into both aspects. I could imagine what the protagonist looked like, and what they were seeing. Well done!

Bird Song: Favorite Line!

Sitting on the seashore with a smile on my face,
even though I wasn't happy.
I smiled with tears rolling down from my eyes,
seeing the beautiful sight.

Again, the balance of imagery and emotion in this was amazing! I loved the image this portrayed, as well as the emotions that accompany it. It gives us a really nice (albeit sad) mental picture.

Preen Your Feathers: A Bit of Advice!

This next part is just a personal preference/ suggestion of mine. Keep in mind that as the author of this poem, it is up to you whether you take my suggestions or not. This poem is beautiful as is, but I just wanted to provide helpful suggestions! Take and leave what you please!

One thing I'd like to touch on is word choice. While this poem shows imagery and raw emotion, word choice can enhance these feelings. As of right now, the word choice you used was relatively ordinary. There is nothing wrong with this, of course! But, if you want to craft more of an intricate, elegant feel that I sensed from this piece, consider changing specific words that have this feel. This will amplify the tone and mood of this piece.

And this last part is, like, reallllllly a personal preference, since I just love the imagery in poems. I would love to see more of that imagery mixed in throughout the poem! We sort of lose that at the end of the piece, and if you wanted to keep that image in your reader's minds all the way to the end, keep that imagery going!

Lifting Off: Closing Thoughts!

Overall, this was an enjoyable read with many deep emotions conveyed. With the use of imagery, a more sorrowful and impactful scene is portrayed. This was super fun to review! I hope to see more of your works soon!

(Also- welcome to YWS! ;) )

May the birds sing to you, and keep writing! -Avian :smt051




BlackMagician says...


Thank you for your valuable suggestions.




Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.
— Willie Nelson