Hiya! This is Orabella, here with a review.
I'm so sorry for how long it took me to get to this. I was hoping to read this the day after is was published, as I was busy the day of, but wo, I was overtook by the mountain of homework seeking to strip away all my time.
My overall impression: Woah. This is a little bit dark, there, ey? A family trapped by a hurricane in their home and the misfortune caused by it. I'm just realizing that the only name we knew was Maya's, and the rest of the family was called "husband" or "father", "son" or "boy". I wonder if there was a purpose to that, or if that was entirely random and not important?
Here are some lines I wanted to add commentary to:
They knew something was coming. They knew it would be devastating.
Oooh! Foreshadowing! Wait, is it considered foreshadowing when it's in a short story? Because there's not a whole lot of time before the fore-shadowed thing comes to pass...
Anyway, right from the beginning here, you create a setting as well as a sense of dread to keep the reader interested. I especially liked the descriptions; they were well worded and made sense, and it painted a clear picture in the mind of the reader.
inexorable
This isn't so much as commentary as it is... a comment. I'll be honest with you, I had to look this word up. (You'd think as I writer I'd have a bigger vocabulary, but no. 'Tis not me.) But I love this word here. It perfectly describes the storm.
It was out for blood.
And it was going to have it.
More foreshadowing! And it sure does get blood... oh gosh I didn't think you meant that literally, first reading that. But again, amazing job sparking the reader's interesting! It's fun also to go back and see that that was meant to be taken literally.
"It's okay, buddy!"
I like that the dad, even in such a horrible situation as this, is still trying to be calm for his son and still calling him, "buddy." Who knew death could make him so crazy later on... but I mean, who could blame him? His 5-year-old daughter just died.
I'll catch up in a minute.
Wait did I miss something? What's he doing and why does he need a minute? Why's he sending them to the basement before him? Maybe he's checking outside to see how bad it really is? Is he turning off the gas so a pipe doesn't break and leak and make their house explode?
"Maya's dead!"
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHMYGOSHSHE'SDEADNOOOOOO!!!!!!!
That was my reaction when first reading this.
If I was to give constructive feedback, I'd suggest adding a bit before to make the reader think she's dead or dying first. I don't know if it's just me, but I thought she was just hurt, not mortally wounded. If her brother checked her pulse or her breath first, I feel like that would cushion the reader so they're not shocked when she "dies".
It was the wind's last warning, making its presence known.
Personification! I love personification, and I love your use of it here. Instead of saying "the door slammed shut because of the wind," you added a bit of personality to it. It also fits with the overall theme you're going with here, in that the storm is a monster or predator killing innocent (or not innocent) people and creatures in its path.
Except she was no longer there, or anywhere to be seen, for that matter.
WhaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAA? SHE DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR? Witch!
I love how casually you wrote that. "Oh, yeah, the dead body moved by itself. Nothing interesting to report."
This kinda freaked me out, but also brought me hope. Is she alive? Does that mean she's okay?? She was fascinated by the storm... Does she have something to do with it?
...gust of wind that sent him flying into another room.
Whoa wind can do that?? I didn't think it could be that powerful. If it can't do that, then this truly must be Mother Nature punishing the hairless apes for what they have done. If it can do that: Oh wow that's so cool I didn't know it could be that powerful!! And also a bit scary if it can...
Cradling his daughter
Aww! It's so sweet how much he loves his daughter. It's like she's a little baby, with that imagery.
I love how throughout the story you made Mother Nature almost like a real person or being. It adds such an interesting thought to your story. I've always thought of natural disasters as just that: natural. But with climate change and global warming, I suppose many of the "natural disasters" that are happening/will happen/have happened are at least somewhat influenced by humans.
It's like, what you do to the planet, it will eventually take back on you. What you have done wrong, it will negatively affect you. Like you're doing it to yourself.
But with the "Mother Nature" seeming to be the cause of all this, it's like the little apes are blaming what they've done on something greater than them and that's what should take the blame. They've done wrong things, but the justice of the world will solve it. But it's really themselves that put themselves in that situation, and they are the only ones to blame.
Okay I might have read a little too far into this. All of that was speculation. (And who knows if it even made sense)
Although there were a lot of sad and dark themes running throughout, I really enjoyed reading this! I love the imagery throughout, the story progressed very clearly and it was very interesting!
Thank you so much for sharing, and please keep writing. I don't usually write this long of reviews, but I was especially interested in this work. Please never stop writing. There's always room to improve, of course, but you have a special gift.
Have an amazing day/night! ^^
Points: 16439
Reviews: 159
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