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Monster

by cookiesandcream123


Once upon a time, there was a cruel and wicked prince in a kingdom called Etheria. When his parents left on a trip to another kingdom, he secretly misbehaved and took over at home. He spread false rumors about the royals’ accomplishments and skill. Some even heard him say that soon, he’d become the permanent king of Etheria.

Most believed that the prince just acted this way out of naivety and arrogance, and simply ignored him – but they never realized that he’d turn out to be such a monster.

While it wasn’t obviously declared, anyone who opposed him would have their head cut off.

The prince ordered for so many people to be killed that soon, there were enough skulls to mount into a huge, bone-white pile.

When the kingdom’s soon-to-be princess, or his betrothed, confronted him about it, he only grew more upset. They had never been close, and she was only a commoner that the queen had favored. How could she order him around, he thought? Did she really think that being the “Cinderella” of the kingdom meant she’d get all the power?

So, the fourth time she pestered him about his actions and lies, he made up a story to interrupt her.

“What if once, there was a princess who refused to mind her own business – and one day, she suddenly disappeared?

Somehow, she’d gotten severely ill. She couldn’t talk or move from her bed anymore. The princess was confined to her room, and nobody saw her for weeks.

Until one day, she was gone, and that was the last people heard of her.”

The princess seemed to understand. Her face paled and disbelief shadowed the expression in her eyes.

“____...You can’t be serious.”

But he was. Surely, it’d happened before in history, so why wouldn’t it happen again? He might be the first to repeat the story in a long time, just to make things interesting.

“And that was how the fairytale ended. If only ‘Cinderella’ had minded her own business, maybe she wouldn’t have fallen so ill.”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Two months later, the king and queen returned. They were expected to stay in the castle and rest, so the prince tried to destroy all indoor evidence and make sure those who knew wouldn’t speak. It took time, and patience, and a lot of work – but he figured that for now, his naive parents would believe their only son.

Except if some people had liked to rebel against everything he said.

There’d been a rumor about the pile of skulls that had reached his parents, and he had to write a pile of letters to assure them they were only lies. And word had spread that Ella was never actually sick; they claimed the prince had something to do with her death. Luckily, those rumors were too quiet for the king and queen to notice.

By the time they entered the palace, exhausted and unaware, everything was in its place.

The king was unwell from the journey, so he was ushered into his rooms and did little to look around.

The queen was heartbroken to hear about the loss of Ella, and she quickly called for Ella’s family and friends. Only one person showed up a few days later – her cousin, Lana, whom the prince had never met before.

They had a quiet lunch together in the dining room. Since he didn’t feel like talking about Ella, the prince asked about his father’s health instead.

“He’s alright,” the queen answered. But as her gaze fell to her bowl of soup and she swallowed a spoonful, he noticed his mother’s frown.

“I’m a little worried,” she admitted, “that he’s fallen ill so quickly. He can’t even talk or move around as much as before.”

Lana suddenly raised her head, listening with guarded attention. The prince tried to ignore it.

“He’s been confined to his room for days now, and nobody has been able to see him,” the queen added, pursing her lips. “I’m worried about him. Not even the doctors seem to know what it is.”

The prince froze, a single thought resonating through his head. Why does that sound so familiar…? 

Then a memory struck him, and his heart took a slingshot against his chest. Ella.

Lana and the queen glanced over at him, but he couldn’t meet their gaze – only left his own on the plate in front of him. He couldn’t give anything away, not now.

The prince must have uttered a response, because eventually, his mother turned away and switched to another topic. But the same news kept repeating in his ears.

It must be a coincidence, he reassured himself. How else could the story he made for Ella match with his father’s condition?

After that, he felt Lana watching him. But every time the prince looked up, all he could see was her head as she swung her gaze back around to the food.

It was too obvious. He’d been too obvious. Is she already finding out? The prince wondered.

They both pretended to pay attention to the queen’s words, but inside, he knew neither of them were listening. His heart continued to race with anxiety. Briefly, he wondered if she was just as afraid.

…No, probably not. For all Lana knew, everyone in this room could be innocent.

But the prince knew he was guilty.

/\/\/\/\/\/\

The secret followed him in the form of restless shadows and invisible stares.

Even after the meal had passed, it kept feeling like he was being watched by many, many eyes – even when he knew it wasn’t Lana, the owls perched outside the window, or the drawing of the snake on the castle’s numerous, green-and-gold banisters.

Still, the day passed, and Lana said nothing. His worry eased, and the shadows faded away.

As if they ever existed, he tried to tell himself. They had to be his imagination. Even if they weren’t, no matter; so far, he was getting away with this.

If he really had to, he could just get rid of Lana -- or even his parents someday, the prince thought. He knew he had people backing him.

However, the prince had trouble sleeping for the next few nights. No matter how much he tossed and turned, the bed felt uncomfortable and…strange. Sometimes, it felt like there was something bony poking into his back, only to vanish a moment later. His blanket became the only shelter, especially when he started to feel like there was something he should be hiding from.

Again, the prince tried to dismiss it. I’m not a child afraid of some monster under the bed.

But his uneasiness grew until finally, he chose to investigate.

One night, the prince swallowed his fears and slowly, carefully reached into the dark space beneath his bed. To his surprise, there was something underneath.

Once he retrieved it, out of the darkness came a brittle, white skull. His thumb lanced right through its hollow eye socket.

He screamed, instinctively jerking his hand away, and hit the skull in the process. It rolled once, twice, thrice, before striking the wall with a sickening crack. Though the front was turned away, his heart pounded, remembering its white visage and huge, smiling teeth.

“This has to be a nightmare,” he thought, scrambling to the other side of the room. “This can’t be real!”

He retreated into a corner, pulse racing, trying to wake up. After all, he had ordered for the victims’ skulls to be burned or buried already – it wasn’t possible for them to be here.

It was impossible. He clutched at his head, wishing he could somehow dig into his memory and erase the sight.

And yet, from where he was, he could see the sickening display under his bed. It hadn’t been just one skull, one life that he’d carelessly ended.

Dozens of them lay there, gaping eyes and screaming mouths hanging open. The heads filled the space from the floor to the bed. Their skeletal features were white and protuberant – as pale as the victims’ faces must’ve turned before their executions. He stared at them, frozen with shock.

That was when icy fingers suddenly grasped his shoulder, almost painful in its coldness.

“What were you expecting?” a voice asked.

The prince couldn’t move. He wanted to run, but his limbs were paralyzed with fear. He could only listen as the cold seemed to radiate off her, sinking into his bones.

“There’s no monster under the bed, Prince of Etheria,” Ella’s voice spoke.

“The only monster here is you.”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

When morning came, the queen arrived at her son’s door. With her were Lana and four other guards. She knocked and called out to him, begged and cried… but it wasn’t until the door was broken down that she breathlessly entered and found her son.

The prince was still curled up in that same corner of the room. Sunlight filtered weakly through the windows – all drawn shut with gloomy curtains – and shone over a room that looked otherwise normal.

“Son,” the queen whispered pleadingly. “What’s happened to you? Tell me.”

She did not come any closer.

The prince looked up at her, his eyes wide.

“Mother?” he asked. “Are you here to see them, too?”

With a trembling arm, he raised one hand and pointed at the empty space beneath the bed.

“Skulls,” he whimpered, unable to keep his secret for any longer. “There are so many of them… R-right under the bed!”

It was obvious now, what he’d done. For the queen, the most unthinkable rumors had become the truth.

She fell to her knees, sobs racking her body as she screamed and wept. The guards stood by, their spears out to protect her. And then, in the space of a second, her son glanced up and saw Lana’s glare.

She was looking at him just like Ella had, a few hours ago as well as that final time the week before.

She was watching him as if he were a monster.

/\/\/\/\/\

Once upon a time, there was a princess who tried but failed to defeat a monster in life...

So in death, she decided not to give up

And came back to try again.


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Wed Sep 20, 2023 10:44 pm
foxmaster wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Oh ho HO once again an amazing story by THE cookies and cream... this time, not time, but rolay family and monsters??? OOOOH! I really liked this! Now, to the review:

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
What I know is a queen and king go off to vacation to a neighboring kingdom, an their son is in charge, but he's evil and practically takes over. He kills anyone who opposes him, and then his girl asks him about what he's doing, and he kills her.
His parents return, and they think that all the rumors about their son being evil are lies. One night, he sees the skulls under his bed, and Ella comes out and, in the end, the prince dies.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I have to say that, first of all, I didn't really understand this the first time. I had to reread it a few times to actually get a sense of what was going on. I was kind of confused.
Also, I don't really understand how his parents had no idea what he was doing. I mean, it doesn't really make sense that they wouldn't get out of the castle and see the bones. Maybe he hid them? That part just seemed kind of strange to me.

“____...You can’t be serious.”

Is also looks like you kind of got this - and this __ mixed up here.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
Dozens of them lay there, gaping eyes and screaming mouths hanging open. The heads filled the space from the floor to the bed. Their skeletal features were white and protuberant – as pale as the victims’ faces must’ve turned before their executions. He stared at them, frozen with shock.

I especially loved this paragraph- the way that you described the bones being as white as the victims faces before they died was very cool.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, a fantasy, skeleton, creepy story! I really liked this, and and really enjoyed it,
happy writitng,
-foxmaster




cookiesandcream123 says...


Hi, foxmaster! Thanks for the review! ^_^ And yeaa, ur right, I probably should've done better at explaining stuff in the story X_X

To clarify, the prince doesn't die at the end. However, he DOES get caught, because the vision of Ella and the skulls from the previous night made him so scared that he basically confessed to being guilty at the end. When the queen heard the prince talk about the skulls, she realized the rumors were true. My bad, I should've made that clearer! But thxs again for reading and reviewing! :D



foxmaster says...


The for the explanation!



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Tue Sep 19, 2023 1:17 am
OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hiya! This is Orabella, here with a short review.

This is incredible! Just like your Time & Space story, you've again created a magnificent story with your words.

But yikes! I would not want to meet that prince. I do no want my head chopped off. (I mean, who does?) He kind of reminds me of the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, honestly. What with chopping everyone's heads off. I'm surprised he was that ruthless to have cut people's heads off over a disagreement.

I love your use of the word monster throughout. It really makes the title more meaningful (and perfect for this story).

In my opinion, (which means take this entire section with an elephant size grain of salt) the beginning of this, "once upon a time," makes the story a bit less interesting and harder for the reader to get immersed. Everyone's heard "once upon a time", but not everyone has heard, "The bubble kingdom was on the brink of popping." A bit of a silly example, but an example nonetheless. Try to experiment with opening sentences and find different ways to hook readers into your story. Maybe, "The most cruel and wicked person in the kingdom of Etheria (cool name by the way) was the prince." Or, "Meeting the prince of Etheria probably would result in losing your head." But again, that's just my opinion, and once upon a time works well with the fairy-tale fantasy vibe I think you're going for.

I was completely invested in this as I was reading that I literally forgot where I was. (Not every story can do that.) I absolutely loved reading this, and it just reminds me what an amazing writer you are! Please keep writing your wonderful stories!




cookiesandcream123 says...


Heya, Orabella! Thanks again for the feedback and leaving a review! :D And oh shoot, I never thought of that before- he does sound similar to the Queen of Hearts! :0



OrabellaAvenue says...


No problem! Happy to review for ya. :D
I've just been involved in a lot of Alice in Wonderland related things recently, so that's probably why I thought of the Queen of Hearts. I've got the opening song of the movie stuck in my head right now...



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Tue Sep 05, 2023 10:38 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey cookiesandcream, Icy here for a quick review in honour of RevMo!

Let's get right into it, shall we?

Once upon a time, there was a cruel and wicked prince in a kingdom called Etheria. When his parents left on a trip to another kingdom, he secretly misbehaved and took over at home. He spread false rumors about the royals’ accomplishments and skill. Some even heard him say that soon, he’d become the permanent king of Etheria.

I like that this starts as kind of a standard fairytale but is very quickly inverted! I'm immediately drawn in because of that subversion of the fairytale trope.

While it wasn’t obviously declared, anyone who opposed him would have their head cut off.

The prince ordered for so many people to be killed that soon, there were enough skulls to mount into a huge, bone-white pile.

This is quite a sudden progression and I'm left with a lot of questions. How old is this kid? Does he actually have the power to be doing this? Who is carrying it out for him? Isn't he/the people doing this for him worried about when the parents come back from their trip?

“What if once, there was a princess who refused to mind her own business – and one day, she suddenly disappeared?

Somehow, she’d gotten severely ill. She couldn’t talk or move from her bed anymore. The princess was confined to her room, and nobody saw her for weeks.

The switch from italics back to normal text made me think it was actually happening, so I didn't realise it was just part of the story. I would suggest either having all of this section in italics, or not. I also had no idea he'd actually carried this out until I read in the next section that she'd died. It would be helpful if this was a little clearer I think.

“What if once, there was a princess who refused to mind her own business – and one day, she suddenly disappeared?

Somehow, she’d gotten severely ill. She couldn’t talk or move from her bed anymore. The princess was confined to her room, and nobody saw her for weeks.

I love that he gets his comeuppance! I was slightly surprised by how much he seemed to care for his parents. Given the amount of power he was after, I kind of expected he would want to get rid of them too.

Overall I like the premise and the story but I think there's too much going on here for the length of the story so nothing ever gets fleshed out enough to do it justice. You've got some great characters, but everything goes so quickly I think we lose the effect of the narrative. I'd consider either paring back some of the things that happen, or conversely giving this story two or three parts and going into more detail of some of it - especially the part where he threatens and then kills Ella in the first section!

Hope this was helpful :)

Icy

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cookiesandcream123 says...


Heyo, Icyflame!

Thanks for reading and leaving a review!! And yes, it was very helpful. Looking back, this story made a lot more sense in my head than, well, written out XD. You're right; realistically, the prince shouldn't be messing around and getting away with it so easily.

Hmm... I do have some ideas for an extended version. We'll see if I can find the motivation to write it someday, though. Thxs again!



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Tue Sep 05, 2023 8:55 am
Oreoswrites says...



Excellent. Gave me the chills but I didn't understand was the princess who haunt him or Lana?




cookiesandcream123 says...


Thanks, oreoswrites! And to answer your question, it was the princess's ghost (Ella) >:D



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Tue Sep 05, 2023 4:32 am
LuminescentAnt wrote a review...



Hey cookiesandcream! I am back to review another one of your stuff.
Oooh I love this fairy tale so much! I read the first few sentences, and I knew I had to continue, and I was so excited to read the story! But now that I have read it, I am now excited to review it. So here we go!

When his parents left on a trip to another kingdom, he secretly misbehaved and took over at home. He spread false rumors about the royals’ accomplishments and skill.

That is some evil behavior. I'm guessing he didn't like his parents. How old is he anyway? He must be a young adult to take over the kingdom so fast.
While it wasn’t obviously declared, anyone who opposed him would have their head cut off.
The prince ordered for so many people to be killed that soon, there were enough skulls to mount into a huge, bone-white pile.

Oof. He IS a monster. Has he always had this bloodthirsty mindset? How have his parents not noticed this?? He did a pretty good job of hiding it, honestly.
So, the fourth time she pestered him about his actions and lies, he made up a story to interrupt her.
“What if once, there was a princess who refused to mind her own business – and one day, she suddenly disappeared?

Okay, I kinda feel like this is the wrong wording here, because it made me a little confused. I would suggest that instead of putting, "he made up a story to interrupt her" write something like, "he threatened her with a story." I don't know, just a suggestion, because the wording you wrote was a little weird, and I had to look over it a couple of times to understand what it meant.
Two months later, the king and queen returned. They were expected to stay in the castle and rest, so the prince tried to destroy all indoor evidence and make sure those who knew wouldn’t speak. It took time, and patience, and a lot of work – but he figured that for now, his naive parents would believe their only son.

Woah. That must have been a LOT of work, to cover up all that. Maybe this is an oppurtunity to add detail about what he removed and how? Because this seems like quite a feat!
And word had spread that Ella was never actually sick; they claimed the prince had something to do with her death.

Wait, her name is actually Ella?? I don't think you mentioned this before, you might want to clarify that. Unless this is a metaphor, and "Ella" is short for "Cinderella" like in the previous reference.
“He’s been confined to his room for days now, and nobody has been able to see him,” the queen added, pursing her lips. “I’m worried about him. Not even the doctors seem to know what it is.”
The prince froze, a single thought resonating through his head. Why does that sound so familiar…?
Then a memory struck him, and his heart took a slingshot against his chest. Ella.

Okay, when I read this, I kinda thought Lana was doing this, and taking revenge for her cousin, but then I read the end. But now, as I'm writing this, I'm having second thoughts. Was it actually Lana, but she looked so similar to Ella that the prince thought it was her? I'm terrible at inferring, sorry.
One night, the prince swallowed his fears and slowly, carefully reached into the dark space beneath his bed. To his surprise, there was something underneath.
Once he retrieved it, out of the darkness came a brittle, white skull. His thumb lanced right through its hollow eye socket.
He screamed, instinctively jerking his hand away, and hit the skull in the process. It rolled once, twice, thrice, before striking the wall with a sickening crack. Though the front was turned away, his heart pounded, remembering its white visage and huge, smiling teeth.

I loved all the descriptions here, they were super creepy and spooky, and had tons of imagery. I can really imagine the horribleness of finding the skull of someone you killed without care, And how horrifying it must be. Awesome job!
That was when icy fingers suddenly grasped his shoulder, almost painful in its coldness.
“What were you expecting?” a voice asked.
The prince couldn’t move. He wanted to run, but his limbs were paralyzed with fear. He could only listen as the cold seemed to radiate off her, sinking into his bones.
“There’s no monster under the bed, Prince of Etheria,” Ella’s voice spoke.

This part was so scary. You are really great at writing horror! I was so shocked at this happening, but also happy kinda because she was getting revenge in a way that made him scared. It's a great twist to the story!
The prince was still curled up in that same corner of the room. Sunlight filtered weakly through the windows – all drawn shut with gloomy curtains – and shone over a room that looked otherwise normal.

Nice imagery here! It helped me imagine this scene really well.
Once upon a time, there was a princess who tried but failed to defeat a monster in life...
So in death, she decided not to give up
And came back to try again.

This is an awesome ending. Especially how it ends by saying that she rose up from the dead to defeat him, it closes up the story nicely.
Overall, I loved this story so much, the lesson is prominent, and the ending ties the story to an end smoothly. You should write more fairy tales in the future!
Happy Writing!
Image




cookiesandcream123 says...


Hi again, LuminiscentAnt! Thanks for reading and leaving a review! :)

About whether it was Lana or Ella in the skulls scene, I meant for it to be Ella. Kinda like, her ghost and the other ghosts coming back to give him a good ol' scare XD.

Ohh yeah- I think at first, I meant for "Ella" to just be short for Cinderella, but tbh I've grown attached to the name... I'll probably make that her real name in the story.

Thanks again for reviewing & pointing these things out!




I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield