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The Twentieth Day

by Darius77

The Twentieth Day

The hand of gold;

Is that which grazed,raised

And sired the child of gold.

One set aside by the gods,

Making the roosters crow

And the grey bearded bow.

For she born at dawn

Is she that deserves the crown

For her,the neighing horses

Will ignore the yummy straws

At her birth spot,

Showered with milk to be bold.

The woman King who glows most.

The beauty that was born

To put flesh to the bones,

To make the elderly crawl

And the naked children

Grow in a lake of broth.

Oh! people of Kuntsutsu

This twentieth day

Of the fifth moon,

The palace singers and dancers;

The shiny dark-skinned bracelet wearng women

Shall sing,"The Empress is born!"

                                                    Darius Ojok Odongo


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Points: 21
Reviews: 26

Mon May 29, 2023 4:44 am
Dipro wrote a review...

Well done. It is a mesmerizing piece that hypes up the birth of the Empress like it's the coolest thing ever. We've got golden hands grazing, roosters going nuts, and even gray-bearded dudes bowing down. This Empress, born at dawn, is apparently the queen of the world. The poem's all about her beauty, making old folks crawl and naked kids grow up fast. The party in Kuntsutsu is wild on the fifth moon's twentieth day, with singers, dancers, and shiny bracelet-wearing ladies yelling, "Hey, the Empress is here!" It's an epic celebration, for sure.

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16 Reviews

Points: 875
Reviews: 16

Fri May 26, 2023 3:30 am
alpacaboss wrote a review...

My first impression of this is that the poem gives Lion King vibes. I mean this in a positive way, this is a wonderful poem. I like how you describe the festivity and the importance of the birth of the woman king. Your descriptions on how she will uplift her people in these lines give much hope.

"To put flesh to the bones,

To make the elderly crawl

And the naked children

Grow in a lake of broth."

The poem is also infused with a beautiful unique culture as inferred from your descriptions of palace singers and dancers; shiny dark-skinned bracelet wearing women...You paint a vivid picture of how important this day is.

My suggestions are these. Aside from improving your grammar, you can give some context of the place this is celebrated. Is this a kingdom who never faces winter and is blessed by forests? Is this a kingdom who endures the four seasons? Is this a kingdom that is hidden from society? Answering these questions can give more depth and relevance to your poem.

Overall, you did a nice job! Keep it up :)

If a nation loses its storytellers, it loses its childhood.
— Peter Handke