Bear with me, readers! I know my chapters are short but they do get a little longer!
Thanks for reading! !!
Pictures of Yagi and Sako are on my wall
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Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Sako woke him up with his groaning. It sounded like he was in pain.
Startled, Yagi stood up on his bed and called Sako’s name. They had pulled the vent back to let them speak again earlier that day.
“Sako? Sako, are you okay?”
“No…”
“What’s wrong?”
“I missed my…” He groaned again, “my medicine.”
“Are you sure that’s it? You’ve never done this before.”
“Has to be.”
“Where does it hurt?”
He groaned again, “Everywhere.”
“Do you want me to call someone?”
He groaned loudly and actually let out a sob. Yagi felt panic in his chest, “Sakuro, are you crying?”
He never cried anymore. Not since he met Yagi.
“No…I’m just coughing.”
“Sako, that’s a lie! I can hear you!”
“Then why did…you ask, you damn idiot?!” Sako let out choked cries and Yagi jumped off his bed and banged onto the mirror “I know there are people there! You have to help Sakuro! He needs help!”
He went back to the vent when he saw a light flick on under his door. “They’re coming, Sako. Just hang in there, okay?”
The door opened and three men rushed in and they all paused midstep. “What the hell….?” One man said.
“Some get the doctor in here!” Another yelled. “What is that black stuff?”
“Sakuro! What happened?!” The third asked
They flicked on a light and that’s when Yagi saw it. The closest Yagi could see was the end of Sako’s cot and there were specks of red on the sheet. Yagi saw them make him sit up on the end and he had blood all over him. He cried in his pain as they helped move him to a sitting position. “No stop! Please, it hurts!” He begged.
“Sakuro! It’s okay!” Yagi shouted out.
Yagi wasn’t sure if he heard him but he coughed more and blood flicked onto the men’s clothes as blood hit the ground. Sako stood up to rush to the bathroom but fell to the ground on his hands and knees and threw up. There was more blood and some kind of black substance than anything else.
He stayed there for a second, breathing hard and coughing. The men moved quickly to snap some kind of long metal cuff to Sako's left wrist. Sako tried to get up to keep going to the bathroom but he fell to his side in pain.
Sako breathed hard and fell unconscious. Yagi stood in shock when he saw the black substance trickle out of Sako’s mouth.
Everything went silent and Yagi’s heart dropped to the floor. Sako looked like he was dead.
Bear with me, readers! I know my chapters are short but they do get a little longer!
Thanks for reading! !!
Pictures of Yagi and Sako are on my wall
Hi, Merecedes
I'm here for another review. Let me start with what I really liked...the emotion. You've really built up Yagi and Sakuro to be excellent characters that the reader likes and wants only good things to happen to, but naturally, only bad things happen to them. That's how it is with writers. It's like the reward for being a writer's favorite is excessive suffering. Writers are just cruel, you know.
I have a LOT of refinement suggestions to make. Use what you think would help, and pretend like the rest never existed.
“What’s wrong?”
“I missed my…” He groaned again, “my medicine.”
“Are you sure that’s it? You’ve never done this before.”
“Has to be.”
“Where does it hurt?”
He groaned again, “Everywhere.”
“Do you want me to call someone?”
Sako let out choked cries and Yagi jumped off his bed and banged onto the mirror"
The door opened and three men rushed in and they all paused midstep.
Nooo… hopefully Sako isn’t really dead. That would be sad if he was. Then Yagi would have to escape…alone. Maybe Sako isn’t dead, but is transforming into his full demon/angel form. Or has he been poisoned by a doctor? Maybe Sako is sick from a virus. A magical virus that only affects hybrids, perhaps. If Sako is truly dead, then Yagi must try and keep him in his memory.
I wish you a marvelous day/night.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well this chapter really kicks things up a notch and a half there. I wasn't expecting things to get quite this intense quite this fast, but that one really took off there and I am loving it so far. This definitely does a lot to get us hooked if everything up to this point didn't manage to do so.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Sako woke him up with his groaning. It sounded like he was in pain.
Startled, Yagi stood up on his bed and called Sako’s name. They had pulled the vent back to let them speak again earlier that day.
“Sako? Sako, are you okay?”
“No…”
“What’s wrong?”
“I missed my…” He groaned again, “my medicine.”
“Are you sure that’s it? You’ve never done this before.”
“Has to be.”
“Where does it hurt?”
He groaned again, “Everywhere.”
“Do you want me to call someone?”
He groaned loudly and actually let out a sob. Yagi felt panic in his chest, “Sakuro, are you crying?”
He never cried anymore. Not since he met Yagi.
“No…I’m just coughing.”
“Sako, that’s a lie! I can hear you!”
“Then why did…you ask, you damn idiot?!” Sako let out choked cries and Yagi jumped off his bed and banged onto the mirror “I know there are people there! You have to help Sakuro! He needs help!”
He went back to the vent when he saw a light flick on under his door. “They’re coming, Sako. Just hang in there, okay?”
The door opened and three men rushed in and they all paused midstep. “What the hell….?” One man said.
“Some get the doctor in here!” Another yelled. “What is that black stuff?”
“Sakuro! What happened?!” The third asked
They flicked on a light and that’s when Yagi saw it. The closest Yagi could see was the end of Sako’s cot and there were specks of red on the sheet. Yagi saw them make him sit up on the end and he had blood all over him. He cried in his pain as they helped move him to a sitting position. “No stop! Please, it hurts!” He begged.
“Sakuro! It’s okay!” Yagi shouted out.
Yagi wasn’t sure if he heard him but he coughed more and blood flicked onto the men’s clothes as blood hit the ground. Sako stood up to rush to the bathroom but fell to the ground on his hands and knees and threw up. There was more blood and some kind of black substance than anything else.
He stayed there for a second, breathing hard and coughing. The men moved quickly to snap some kind of long metal cuff to Sako's left wrist. Sako tried to get up to keep going to the bathroom but he fell to his side in pain.
Sako breathed hard and fell unconscious. Yagi stood in shock when he saw the black substance trickle out of Sako’s mouth.
Everything went silent and Yagi’s heart dropped to the floor. Sako looked like he was dead.
Oh my gosh, I love this! I might have finally found something on here that really grabs my interest? Of course this is chapter 2, but just watch I'm fixing to head right over to chapter one in a minute here. As far as this review goes, I guess I have a lot of questions - not that any of these should really be answered because I haven't even read the first chapter yet and I'm really just jumping in. Also, there are, of course, some things that the reader needs to wait to find out and I understand that hahaha. But what in the world is going on?!? The names sound Japanese to me ( pardon my possibly ignorant self) and there's definitely something supernatural/fantastical going on here. I love the creepy vibes, and this story seems right up my alley.
I did say I was going to get to the review part: great writing, and intriguing premise, and a tone that appeals to my tastes just right. If I was going to suggest any changes / improvements, I would suggest trying to spend a little more time on description of both action and setting. You have a very striking set up here, but I really want you to paint a picture in my head - both with respect to what is happening and what the characters see! Overall, amazing job and I'll be headed to chapter 1 now hahaha
Points: 85
Reviews: 20
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