So, I left you a review on the first episode, and now I'm here for tha second one.
I liked that you told this story from Charlie his perspective. As I read the first part and I left you a review, I could totally follow everything. I really loved your dialogues here too and I feel so bad and sad for poor Charlie that he lost his sister. I love her name btw. Clarissa. Very great choice and I think you did an amazing job on portraying Miriam as the bad guy.
This is my favourite part,
Charles opened the flap to a circus tent. Nope, nothing there.
A little girl was giggling.
His blood boiled when he realized who it was.
In the far corner of the tent was Abby, giggling and grinning. She thought it was funny, didn’t she? To scare everyone? To scare him?
His thoughts stopped when he noticed Miriam standing right next to Abby. A gun grew out of her hand.
She pointed it at Abby.
Charles ran towards her-
“Charlie, what’s wrong?” She asked, confused.
“Get down!” He yelled desperately. There was no time to ask questions.
“Just do it!”
She still didn’t do it. She just crossed her arms and glared at him.
It was infuriating, how much she was like his sister. She didn’t listen when she was supposed to. Maybe if Claire didn’t anger Miriam, she would still be alive.
But there wasn’t time to think about Claire.
“Damn it, Abigail!”
He grabbed her and-
The sound of death crashed into his ears.
He fell to the ground…he saw her face..it was a little blurry…but he saw Abigail’s frightened expression…just like Claire…
I just wanted to cry over here. Why did his sister have to die??? And why is Miriam so mean against him? Is Mirian his mother? or step-mother maybe? Why is she doing that?
You know what would be cool, if you wrote an origin story about how and why Miriam became that way....That would be totally amazing and cool!!!
This part is also so typical and very funny,
When the first day of babysitting Abigail had finally arrived, her parents went on and on about making sure she didn’t stay up
past her bedtime and said something about her being obsessed with the circus. He had a suitcase with his clown costume in it that he bought with him, just in case.
Then, they left and he was alone with the child.
“Hey, you must be Abigail.” He said.
“Yes, obviously.” She said this while rolling her eyes.
Just like Claire did before-
No. He wouldn’t think about it. She wanted to have fun with him, so he’d have fun with her.
He forced a smile on his face.
“Come downstairs, Abby. I’ve got something splendid to show you.” He said.
Then he remembered that he didn’t know where the basement was. He just wanted to show her the suit.
“Um…follow me…I’ll show you where the basement is, Charlie.”
Well, she seemed just as uncomfortable as he did! At least Charles wasn’t alone.
He followed her to the basement. He couldn’t do it upstairs, then the moment wouldn’t have any magic. It felt more suitable to show her the suit in the basement.
Basements were full of mystery..
Or maybe his classmates were right and he was the weird kid…
“Why are we down here? What are you going to do?”
He flicked the light on and placed the suitcase on the ground.
Abby peeked inside the suitcase.
“Don’t peek. I’ll show you.”
He unzipped it and-
“Why do you have a clown costume?”
“Because I am a clown.”
“WHAT? That’s so freaking cool!”
And that wide smile on her face, the glitter in her eyes, the excitement in her voice…
That was everything to him. That was the light in his life. That look on the faces of children was what kept him going.
“Are you going to tell my parents I said freaking? They say it’s a bad word.”
“Wait, why are you showing me this?”
“I’d thought we’d be faster friends if I told you that I perform at the local circus sometimes, because your parents told me how much you liked it.”
“Can I talk about this at school? Please? It’s super cool that you-“
“No. You can’t tell anyone. Not even your parents.”
Her parents didn’t know, they just thought that he’d take her to the circus. His parents didn’t know. No one really knew and he’d keep it that way.
But Abby could keep a secret.
Abby is not Claire. Stop treating her like she’s Claire. It won’t change what happened.
Charles wasn’t treating her like Claire. He just wanted her to be happy. That was all.
“Because it’s our little secret.”
“Do you pinky promise to keep it our little secret?”
“I pinky promise?”
“Swear on Mac N’Cheese?”
“I swear on Mac N’Cheese!”
“Super triple promise?”
“Charlie! That’s enough, silly!”
And so they had pinkie promised together, right there, in the basement. In the darkness.
She kind of reminded him of his own sister, Clarissa, before she..before…before Miriam got her…
“Why did we go in the basement? We could have done this upstairs.” Abby asked, interrupting his thoughts.
“Because it’s super-secret down here.” He said, smiling at her.
He really wished that it was her.
Overall, this story was very nicely written and I really liked it. I think you did an amazing job making the story similar to the one of Abigail that way we could relate and follow the pacing better. I do hope you consider writing an origin story of Miriam
I hear from you!
All the best,