Young Writers Society

Hey Cage, Alice here to give a review!

MY THOUGHTS

Really liked the poem. It is neatly written with a clear metaphor, reflecting real emotions you must have felt to write this poem. Parting is a sad part of any relationship, a common thing many people go through, and the theme overall will surely be relatable for most of the readers.

Faith over the fact that the moon is still shining above my head,
Just obscured behind the dark clouds of today,
Waiting with patience to present itself again,
And reclaim its glory in the sky

Hi Cage, let's get down to it.

I like the direction you're going with this poem, as comparative metaphors can be really compelling. I'm also a really big fan of weather metaphors, so you've already got me there. You've definitely got a really good foundation here, but I definitely think we can dig in and make some big money moves and make it even better here.

I do think you need to expand your imagery here by quite a signficant amount. When we break this down, the thematic words you're using are repeative and doesn't allow for much creativity on your part. Examples of this would be how you repeat the "pitch black" line instead of expanding on the metaphor. Try using all of the senses, not just sight to enhance what the narrator is experiencing. You want your poetry to be 3D, and that sometimes means including all the sensory elements in a more wholistic manner to really set the scene or tone of what you're trying to describe.

Another thing I would note is your passive tone that you have throughout the poem. It fails to evoke as strong of an emotional reaction from me as it could if you had a more active narration. I do like the comparative descriptions of the past/present, but you can still use active descriptions while describing something that happened in the past. For an example of this, look to the lines were you use superflous phrasings like "as if" or "as" "and" "but" "it is". Just like in prose, you want to avoid telling and instead show the reader what you're trying to say. This will help the reader get pulled into your story in a more active manner. Lines where this would make a remarkable difference would be "The moon shone so elegantly/trying to mimic my feeilings/radiant, lively" and "it is pitch black today/displaying the dying connection between us/exposing...."

Keep working, you've got a really great foundation here! Let your creativity shine and really sink into the entire sensory experience! You've got this!


Sizzle

I can't believe you don't have any reviews yet! This is an awesome poem about bad days and the need to wait patiently for a better day. And being separated from someone you like. Your mix of long sentences and short sentences adds impact. Excellent job!