"Okay, okay, okay! My turn! Never have I ever…" I said, humming while I was in deep thought. "Never have I ever had a one night stand!” I shouted, pointing to my older brother.
He looked at me with shock, “Low blow, L’eau!” he yelled back, sticking his tongue out as he brought the bottle of vodka to his face. He poured at least half the bottle into his face. How dare he! I stifled a laugh and grabbed it, yanking as hard as I could. “Hands off, Water Bottle!” he teased, wedging his foot in-between us and kicking me off. I blew him a raspberry, calling him many names that I probably shouldn’t have said. “My turn,” he said with a devilish smirk.
It took him several minutes to think of something, leaving me to amuse myself by staring at several ants struggling in the grass. I smiled when I squished them beneath the stained soles of my sneakers. “All right, never have I ever,” he drew it out just to annoy me, “Accidentally chop off my own pinky while helping Grandma.”
“What?!” I screamed, “Germ! That’s no fair at all!”
“My name’s Gem, Water Bottle, and you did the same to me!” Germ retorted with a prideful glare in his eyes. “Now gimme your cup. I’ma pour you some.”
I rolled my eyes and scoffed as I held out a plastic red cup, “If Grandma finds us right now she’s gonna beat you to death.”
Germ shrugged. “Too bad. I think you're old enough to drink.”
“Grandma doesn’t think so. She says thirteen and nineteen ain’t old enough.”
“Yeah, and Grandma’s from the stone age. I’ve got more authority, L’eau. Drink up.” He shoved the cup back to me. I stared at the cup in my hands, gently spinning it to watch the alcohol fail to mix with the water I was supposed to be drinking. I looked at my older brother, then back down. He tipped his head up, daring me to drink it.
Now, I wasn't a coward, but I knew that Grandma would kill me if she saw this. I just wanted to run home now, but it’s like I’m going to let this germ named Gem call me a scaredy-cat. So, I downed as much as I could. Then, I had to spit out as much as I could, scrubbing my tongue with my fingernails. Germ was whooping and hollering his head off.
"That's disgusting! Why do you drink this stuff?!" I yelled at him.
Germ couldn't contain any of his laughter, screaming with his hand covering his eyes, "Dear Lord, you're about to make me piss myself!" The plastic yard chair flew backwards. Germ was flailing about in the grass, holding his stomach while he curled up like a baby.
I was beyond furious. So furious, in fact, that I pushed my own chair down and ran over to him, stomping my foot across his stomach and face, “You loser! What's your problem?! I hate you! I hate you so much, you piece of–"
"Kids!" Grandma shouted over our voices. It didn't stop the war. Germ wasn't one to go down easy. Instead of reaching for my ponytail, he decided to try a new move. He reached for a chunk of the brown hair on my scalp and threw me to the ground. By the time he felt a yank on his shirt, Germ's fist was deep in my face. I felt my lip bleeding when she came to my rescue. "Kids! What is going on here?!" Grandma screamed. She grabbed Germ by the collar of his shirt and pulled him off of me. I didn’t notice my eyes watering as I covered my mouth.
"He hit me! He knocked my tooth out!" I admit, I was whining childishly, but holding a newly knocked out baby-tooth in my hand as my gums bled took priority. "I hate you, Germ! You're the worst!" It seemed our roughhousing had gotten more violent lately. Just a week or so ago I’d given him a black eye. We always fought with full force and aggression, it was how the Lavoie siblings functioned, but I’m fairly certain he broke my nose the other day.
Grandma kept a hold of Germ, not daring to let go of him. "I barely touched her! Besides, she's had that loose tooth for months! I was helping!" he argued.
"Liar!"
"Enough!" Grandma shouted again, and we both went quiet. "L'eau, clean this up, will you? Gem," Grandma tugged the lobe of his ear. He flinched. "You're coming with me."
Grandma was a strange lady, even if the rest of the family didn't think so. She was a tough woman, too. I thought that she was too young and fit to be called some old granny, but the rumor was that our parents were even younger then Germ now when he was born. Her face only bare a few wrinkles and her slightly graying hair was tied into a neat bun. Her posture was straight and her legs were long. She towered over everyone she met, yet even some neighbors called her Grandma.
Germ was whining and complaining the entire time as he was dragged to his doom on the cliffside townhouse. I was left alone by the cliff itself. Down below were thousands of waves crashing against the boulder-filled sides. I stared down at the water. Germ was such a liar. No way he got drunk out here every night! He should've fallen off by now! Not wanting to face Grandma’s wrath, I covered my bleeding mouth and quickly fixed their knocked over chairs. The best part was hiding the evidence. I chucked the empty glass bottle over the edge. Unfortunately, I didn't make it to the cliff in time to watch it shatter on the rocks.
Disappointed, I decided it would be best to amble along the path home. I stuck my finger in the back of my mouth and touched the gums. They still bled and were as sensitive as ever. Damn you Germ, that word-she-shouldn’t-say-around-Grandma. The house wasn’t anything special, just like every time I arrived. Some days, I wished it would change, but no. Every day was the same white walls, some brick here and there, two floors, and a nice porch with a rocking chair. Great Aunt Ludivine never moved from that thing. Sometimes my cousins would say that someone glued her butt to it years ago and she’s too hard headed to admit she needs help out. Ludivine was older than anyone I've ever met. That was all Great Aunt Ludivine had to her. Well, that and her flowers. She wore flowers every day, she took care of flowers every day, her entire personality was about flowers.
“Salut, L’eau,” Great Aunt Ludivine tilted her head. Her hair was as white as a ghost and her face was covered in wrinkles. As per usual, a straw hat with a flower sat on her lap while sipping a mug of coffee and staring at the dried bushes. “Where’s your coat? It’s getting’ colder,” she warned, then sighed, “It’s meant to snow tonight. Damn stuff's gonna kill my flowers.”
Snow was dangerous, as I was told. So dangerous that Grandma had often brought up the idea of banning movies and video games with snow in it. Sometimes Germ would spout the same things. I simply lived with it. Ever since the ancient nuclear age, snow brought death with it. The cliffside house had been reinforced to keep the storm and all the toxic chemicals out.
“I don’t need it,” I replied with confidence as I shoved my hands into the pockets of a purple varsity jacket. I took a seat on the stairs below Ludivine’s rocking chair. “It’s not that cold yet, Auntie.”
Ludivine’s expression tightened into something resembling alligator skin, “Dear, you remember what happened to that boy you had a crush on?”
“Auntie,” I’d never admit my cheeks grew pink, “I didn’t like him. Besides, he was dumb. He got what he had coming.”
Ludivine laughed in my face as she rocked back and forth, “So that’s why you were crying all day? And don’t go around acting like you aren’t dumb.”
“What?” Auntie calling me dumb?! Only Germ did that, and I could barely tolerate it! I stood up and stomped my foot, “Auntie, je ne suis pas bête!” Lately, I’d been trying to use more French around Auntie. She was so insistent on teaching us her mother tongue that I’d be pinched if I didn’t use it enough.
“Really? Sorry, hun, but I don’t think that underage drinking near a cliff is smart!” Great Aunt Ludivine snorted, throwing her head back as she snickered.
My face looked like a tomato by then, “You saw that?! I’m not in trouble, am I?”
Great Aunt Ludivine simply shrugged. “We’ll see if your grandma is merciful today. Your father shouldn’t have a problem though.”
Ah, right. My father. I cringed at the thought of him. He never did anything wrong, but there wasn’t much to say about him. At community meetings, I could never join in with the other kids. They would shout about everything their fathers had done, but I would do nothing but nod along with them. He was merely satisfactory to both Germ and I. Though, it seemed that Germ was becoming even more of a jerk to him than usual. “Is he home?” I asked, bringing my ponytail to her shoulder. Apparently, it was a nervous tick passed through the generations. I was very much not nervous, though.
Ludivine nodded. “He brought a lot of wood back. We should be set for the snowstorm.”
I sighed and finally approached the door. Not like I could avoid it. But, for a moment, I hesitated. Maybe I could run away. It’s not like Great Aunt Ludivine would be chasing after me. I could easily go to her friend Annette’s home and stay there until the snow passed. I’d finally be free of these strange and annoying people I was forced to call family. The creaking of my aunt’s rocking chair woke me from the daydream and I walked inside.
The kitchen table was first to greet me. A man in flannel sat next to an otherworldly little girl, braiding pastel bracelets together. Beads and charms were scattered across the table, spilling from the white and pink box. It wasn’t as if the man was very masculine, though. He was rather slender like the rest of the family, but at the very least he had a decent beard coating his chin. Well, that and a large grin that reached his ears while he giggled with the little girl. He glanced up and met my eyes. Somehow, his smile became larger. “L’eau! Nice to see you!”
“Hello, Père,” I responded simply. For some reason, I sat at the table with them. I regretted it as soon as I did, but instead of running the other way, I sat in an uncomfy wooden chair with a half-sibling and a decent father. Oh, right. That strange gremlin was right next to me.
For the longest time, I believed I was the black sheep of the family. Unlike the rest of my family, I wasn’t exceedingly tall (Ludivine was only short and stumpy because of her age). They had green eyes, only Auntie and I had blue eyes. The women in our family were old with gray hair, and the men had dark brown, almost black, hair. I was young and my hair was light brown. I had freckles, they didn’t. I was tan, they were fair. I was planned, Germ and Fayette were “happy little accidents.” For most of my younger years, I never considered myself a real part of the Lavoie family.
Then, Fayette, the bundle of joy, came home just six years ago, and I knew I was a Lavoie. She had wavy hair in pigtails, patches of light against her darker tone, her eyes were both green and blue, and a pair of thick glasses sat on top of her nose. She looked nothing like the rest of the Lavoie family. The little fairy arrived after a rare appearance from our mother, sobbing and crying about Grandma-knows-what. That night, Germ covered my ears and played loud games with me while Mom held onto our father so desperately and wailed into his arms. Grandma rocked Fayette in her arms and tried hushing us two. I was seven and Gem was thirteen. It was the only time I remember him ever being truly nice to me.
Without fail, anger boiled inside of me when I thought of that night. Papa was an idiot. I knew it wasn’t Fayette’s fault, but I couldn’t help but feel hatred every time something thought of them as sisters. We weren’t. We’d never be. Fayette was the product of my father’s incompetence and my mother’s lies.
The only concrete facts I had about the little fairy was that they were half-siblings. Our mother was the same, but unfortunately, Germ and I were stuck with our father. Fayette gazed at me with her mismatched eyes and grinned, each one of her teeth showing. Fayette had trouble speaking. She only spoke around Grandma and Papa, but nobody else had the luxury of hearing her voice. Something about a type of muteness that she couldn’t control. We learned to only talk to her when necessary, and only ask yes or no questions.
I didn’t return the smile. Poking my gums with my tongue was much better than amusing her. “Hey, Papa, I finally lost that tooth.”
Papa grew a scowl. Usually, he’d cheer about how it was about time, but not today. “Yeah, I heard. Don’t worry. Grandma’s yelling at your brother now.” I couldn’t help but smile. That loser deserved it. “Now go and clean it off. And make sure to put it under your pillow!”
Fayette nodded with Papa, believing a tooth fairy would come visit our room. Of course, out of all people, I had to be saddled with sharing a bed with her. Running to Annette’s house seemed even better now. I’ve outrun Papa before. I could just climb out the window now… Actually, maybe going to Florence would be better. She was a squatter, but sometimes I longed for that freedom. Sure, I should be grateful to have such a large and healthy family, whatever, but sometimes I felt so tempted to hop on the train and see the world all for myself..
I washed my face and tooth in the kitchen sink then made my way upstairs. Even worse, our room was as large as a broom closet. A desk, nightstand, window, and a single twin size mattress I had to share with Fayette. Thankfully, the desk had a colorful computer that they both could play games on, though it was meant for school in case of snowstorms. Thank God it was June. If Fayette wasn’t with Grandma or Papa, she was staring at the computer screen, doodling on her favorite painting app.
“Gem, what were you thinking?! Your sister is barely a teenager! You made her drink and then you beat her! What is wrong with you?” Grandma scolded him from the room just next to me. Oh, I just had to watch him get humiliated. I was quick to hide my tooth under the pillow and hurry to peek inside Gem and Papa’s room. I got jealous every time I looked inside. Their room was bigger and had two beds! Grandma was ready to pounce at him and, for the first time ever, Germ was hunched over and rubbing his arm anxiously. “I know you’re upset about your mother, so be as self-destructive as you want, but don’t you dare drag the rest of us into it.”
Germ snapped, “Oh, so the one time we bring up Mom is when you’re yelling at me? But if I ever try to talk about her, I get hushed and it’s treated like I’m gonna summon a demon if I say her name three times!”
Grandma stepped closer to him and he shrunk back. Even I felt a bit scared. “Yes! Because your sisters don’t know about what happened! Remember what you did for L’eau that night? You distracted her! These are the consequences of your actions, Germ. It’s time you finally understand that,” She explained. Her tone was still as harsh. “You can’t decide when and when not to protect your sisters, Gem. You did something so idiotic that I should beat you like you did your little sister, but I won’t. You know what you did was completely stupid, right?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Germ said, defeated.
“Good, now I want you to go and write an apology, then… L’eau?” Grandma shot her head towards the door.
I hid behind it as fast as I could, “Yeah?”
“Go set the table.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, Grandma wanted me to hear all that.
The time between now and dinner didn’t soothe anything over. Germ sat on my right and Fayette sat next me. I was squished in-between two complete strangers. Germ was protecting me from something elusive and dangerous, even if it meant hurting himself. I thought we were just roughhousing all these years, but maybe it was something more. Then there was Fayette. She was happily stirring a brothy soup in a plastic bowl with cute princesses and unicorns on it. I still find it weird how I haven’t even heard Fayette say her own name.
As always, Great Aunt Ludivine used her magical flower powers to teleport into her usual seat. She conversed lightly with Papa, but I didn’t pay attention. Boring adult things I don’t want to worry myself with. Germ was busy writing in a notebook, presumably a formal apology. He looked at me once with dark eyes, then returned to his work. Fayette didn’t notice any tension in the air, instead dancing in her seat and sipping a hot soup. She cried when it burnt her tongue. Germ was the first to rub her back and soothe her. He always played favorites. Treat the baby nice but constantly punch and trip the older girl. Yeah, how fun.
“Bon appetit,” Grandma said, placing a plate of ham slices on the middle of the table. Everyone knew the rules, or else you faced a pinch from Auntie. Two slices each. Wait for everyone before you go for more. Grandma sat next to her older sister, happily slurping her lukewarm soup. “So, Hemison, how was your day?” she said, turning to Papa.
He wore his large grin with pride, “Great! We’ve got enough firewood for the next month! Plus, I earned some extra money for us to go out to dinner once the snow passes.”
Grandma nodded in approval, “Sounds great, son. That gives us some time to decide where to go,” she chuckled.
The sound of chewing and teeth tearing meat were all that filled the dimly lit dining room. There were still shiny plastic beads littering the table. I flicked one of them at my brother. Germ almost snapped his pencil in half, but refrained from making any move under the watchful eye of Grandma Antionette. I snickered a bit, but Grandma shot me with that same glare. I dropped my spoon into my bowl. Well, since the mood was already tense, there wasn’t a better time to ask the question.
“Papa?” I whispered, leaning over Fayette’s small head to see him. He perked up. “Can we get Mom to come with us this time?”
It was as if time froze. Great Aunt Ludivine stopped slicing her bit of ham, Papa wore a pained expression, Grandma stared at the wall with fury, and Germ crumpled a paper in his notebook. My blood ran cold. Mother was a cursed figure, only whispered in the darkest hours of the night. I’d only seen her a few times in her childhood, and even then, I didn't recognize her face. Mom was a dark shadow who only returned once a month to kiss our foreheads and retire to the women's room with Antionette and Ludivine. She also played favorites, kissing the little fairy’s cheek just a bit longer. Fayette was still happily chomping at her specially cubed slices of ham.
“We’ll see. She’s very busy,” Papa said, quietly.
That was the best he got? Fine. I'd pick a part the lies myself. “Why don’t we go out to eat all the time? You say Mom has a big government job but we live like we’re poor.”
Grandma shot her deadly glare at me once more. “You think this is living poor? Please. And there’s a lotta people here, L’eau. Food, clothes, and water for all of ‘em is expensive,” she explained, “Why are you asking so many questions tonight?”
“The girl’s not allowed to be curious?” Great Aunt Ludivine jumped to my defense before I could. “But Antionette’s right. We’ve got a lot of heads under this roof.”
I tried as hard as she could not to stare at Fayette, but my eyes were drawn to the happy little girl next to me. Sister wasn’t a title she held, despite what the family thought. There was nothing about Fayette that fit in. The little girl looked at me with an awkward motion. Then, Papa’s toothy smile appeared on her face. Maybe there was one thing in common.
Grandma’s fork screeched against her plate. Everyone’s head whipped to watch her. “L’eau, I know you’ve had a hard day, but I can tell you’re getting a bit more moody than usual.” I stood up and the chair slid against the wood floor. I just wanted to scream I’m not moody! I was never all too great at keeping her cool, but this was the one time I knew I shouldn’t say anything.
I watched the family quietly. Each of them seemed uncomfortable. Only Great Aunt Ludivine and Fayette sat quietly with an unphased smile. My eyes drifted to a pale patch of skin around Fayette’s green eye. “You got something to say?” Ludivine said. Grandma grabbed her sister’s shoulder, but the older sibling refused to give in. I nodded. “Say it.”
Grandma gripped her shoulder tighter, “Ludivine, not here–”
“Might as well be today. You said she overheard what you told Gem already,” she whispered back.
For once, I thought about her next move carefully. One wrong word would cause the entire family to start screaming. Mom was a name you whispered in the dark. I didn’t remember my mom’s face, and I didn’t want to. The door was just a few feet behind me. It hadn’t snowed yet… I could still make it to Annette’s house…
Finally, “I just don’t get why you’re still married to Mom,” I whispered.
Papa spit out the food he was chewing. Grandma and Auntie were more confused than anything, and Germ slammed his book shut. I don't think Fayette could be bothered by anything, this time struggling to tear apart her slice of ham.
I stared at my father. “What? Don’t act like I don’t know anything.”
“You don’t know,” Papa said, rubbing his chin. “You don’t need to know, L’eau.”
I don't need to know? Why couldn't they see that that didn't matter?! “Really?” I scoffed, “I’m in this family, too! Why is Mom such a secret? It’s pretty obvious! I figured it out when I was ten!” I waved my hand in Fayette’s general direction. That was what finally got her attention. She watched the two with big and curious eyes, confused as to why things were getting loud.
That is also what made Germ snap. “L’eau! Sit down and eat. I can guarantee you don’t know what the hell you're talking about,” he said, teeth gritted. His arms were shaking from his self-imposed restraint, “And don’t you dare bring our sister into this.”
I was brought up a true Lavoie. No matter what, a Lavoie stood her ground. “She’s not our sister!” I yelled, “She’s just some kid we let live here for no reason! She should go live with her real dad!” I nervously glanced at Grandma, who sat with a conflicted expression. That was… strange. By now she would've stepped in. Did they want us to battle it out? Why were they seem so confused? Mom was an open secret to everyone but me until today. Why did they have cold feet now?
“You have no idea what you’re talking about, L’eau!” Germ yelled back. He stood up from his seat. Like every other Lavoie, he towered over me. Problem with that– I grew up around intimidation. It never worked.
“Yes, I do! Mom’s a cheater and you know it! Papa’s just too much of a wimp to divorce her!” It felt so good to finally shout the truth. It was like an earthquake shook the room. Great Aunt Ludivine raised an eyebrow while the rest of the family glanced at each other. They were surprised. Were they really that dumb? Did they think I was that dumb? I could see through every lie they built.
It didn’t confuse Germ, though. The fire in his eyes grew with every word. A vein should’ve been bulging on his head by now. “You have no idea what happened to Mom!”
What? Was I wrong? No, of course not! They just wouldn’t admit that Mom was constantly running off with men. She only returned in the late hours of the night, she never said anything about her job as an ambassador, and she refused to ever be there. There was a chance that she did have an official job, but I highly doubted it. Besides, a Lavoie never questioned her gut feeling.
“Then tell me! No use hiding it now,” I raised my voice as loud as it could go.
With that, Germ slammed his hands down on the table. “Fine! You wanna know so bad?" There was unbridled rage in his eyes. Even in all of our fights, I'd never seen him so furious and hateful.
"Mom was raped! There! I said it!”
The noise sent a shockwave through the table and each of us stiffened. All except Ludivine. She was prepared for the outburst before it happened. Fayette jumped from her seat. Grandma crossed her arms uncomfortably. Papa hid his face from us.
I became a statue. My mind went empty. All I had left was a wide-eyed stare on my red-faced brother. “Happy?” he hissed between his teeth. I wasn’t anything. They kept that from me? For all these years, I thought that my mother was nothing but some scoundrel woman I read about in old bibles Auntie used to teach her to read. But no. She wasn't. She was… What was Mom? They lied about this, they could lie about anything.
Fayette spoke. The whole table turned to her. It was the golden rule that Fayette never spoke in public. “What’s rape?” she squeaked. There was a moment of complete silence.
Then a slap woke everyone up. I stumbled back and held my cheek. Germ’s hand lingered in the air. “You are a such a fucking bratty, petty bitch.” Then, he stormed upstairs without a single glance back.
See, I've been hit before, especially by my brother, but never slapped. Slapped. Something about that term still makes my stomach churn. I had just been slapped across the face. Hair-pulling, a chokehold, even a punch I'd gladly take, but a slap? There was intent behind it. Hatred, maybe. Disrespect. In every fight, we were equals. Not here. Here, I wouldn’t– couldn’t hit him back.
He saw me as something less than him. A dumb mouse against a smart cat.
Papa rushed to meet Germ upstairs while Grandma held a sobbing fairy close and followed him. She glared at me, but for once, I knew she wouldn’t act on any sort of threat. A slap was enough to straighten me up, but I wouldn’t let that be known.
Only Great Aunt Ludivine stayed at the table. I turned to her and rubbed the hand mark on my face. It stung. Nothing Germ did ever made it sting. Bruises and lost teeth, sure, that's normal roughhousing in the Lavoie household, but this wasn’t us. Germ taught me how to fight and do it with passion. This wasn't that.
“I still don’t understand why they never told you. Misunderstanding was bound to happen,” Auntie said with a low tone, “By the time you questioned it, you were old enough to know.” She turned her head to the side, staring mournfully out the window.
I didn’t respond. My head turned without any prompting, and I couldn’t help but watch the flurries.
It was snowing.
With Annette’s house out of the running, I scuttled to the upstairs bathroom. It’s not like Great Aunt Ludivine would follow. Empty and forgiving words were all I heard when I passed my brother’s room. “It’s not your fault… We understand… It’s difficult… We shouldn’t have…” I shut the door and locked it. Just to be safe, I pushed Fayette’s footstool in front of it.
What would we do now? I didn't mean… Well, I did, but not like that. I didn't know what I expected to happen. I thought that maybe her dad would wake up to the truth, but it felt the opposite now. Auntie was right. Why didn't they tell me? They made me hate my mom for all these years, and for what? I knew what it was as soon as I was allowed to go outside alone! Kidnapping and stranger danger weren't something we were banned from talking about. So why did they hide it from me? For mother’s sake? She was never around, though. Why would they care?
There was knocking on the door. “L’eau, I’m…” Germ mumbled through the door. I sat on the edge of the bathtub. Yeah, as if I’d take an apology for a slap to the face. I wanted to laugh at him, but I’d rather stay safe behind a barricaded door. “Look, I should’ve told you. I mean, I said you’re old enough to drink but knowing this was just too much. Stupid, right?”
I rolled her eyes. “Very.”
Germ chuckled sheepishly. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. I just get angry about it, ya know? That I couldn’t be there for her and all that protective son stuff,” he paused for a brief moment, then sighed. “Look, um, I know you don’t want to hear it right now, but I’ll be in my room once you’ve got your slapping hand ready.” He waited for her to respond, but got nothing. I rubbed my cheek. It still hurt. “I love you, Water Bottle.” Nothing. I listened silently to his footsteps until they were gone.
I sat there for hours and eventually heard the entire house go quiet. Sometimes, a shadow would stop by the door, only to realize I was inside and leave seconds later. The night grew darker and colder. Grandma’s snoring and my grumbling stomach was all there was left. I had two options now.. Take a shower and go to bed, or have a sleepover. Annette’s house wasn’t too far, right?
I carefully tiptoed out of the bathroom and into her room. When I turned on the lamp, I noticed that Fayette was missing. Usually, she slept on the left side of the mattress, but there was no cluster of hair on the pillow. She was probably sleeping with Grandma after bawling so hard. I held the pajamas in my hand. Then, it hit me.
Was I really just going to stay here, with people I barely knew who would probably hate me for the rest of my life? No. I needed to get away. Just for a night. That would smooth things over. Maybe they'd feel sorry for me after that. I didn't care about that, though. I just wanted out. I was done with so many feelings and drama and all of it. Just one day of peace: away from my family, away from Fayette, away from it all.
Instead of showering, I changed as fast as I could and threw my clothes onto the floor. If I was really going to run away, I knew better than to jump from the second story window. The stairs creaked beneath me, no matter how light my feet were.
It was just as dark on the first floor, each and every plate cleaned off in the sink. Except for a steaming bowl of soup right by my seat. Maybe Papa reheated it in case I came back. Despite my hunger, it didn’t stop me. I slipped on her tall thick boots and approached the kitchen window. The snow outside wasn’t all too intimidating now that I saw it. It floated down peacefully, unaware of any danger that lay with it.
I cracked open the window and a wave of brisk air hit me. As long as I made it to Annette’s house within the hour, I could wash off all the harmful chemicals before any real damage was done. As long as I don't fall face flat, I would be fine. I knew the way. I didn't mind risking my life to get out of this dumpster fire of a household.
My knee hit the windowsill. I don't know why I was so mesmerized by the crunchy white below. I'd never been out in it. It was frigid, but it looked so warm and inviting. I dreamed of making snow angels, building snowmen, maybe even a snowball fight! But no. Those experiences were lost to time, only conveyed in old novels and Christmas movies.
I leaned out, ready for my foot to hit the cold ground…
"The water!" a cute voice screamed from the left. I jumped and looked over. Fayette pointed at me with her toothy grin, wearing a bunny onesie in need of a wash. She had a heavy book I knew all too well in her other hand. A new addition was the flowers in her pigtails. Great Aunt Ludivine held the little fairy in her lap with a calm smile. When our eyes met, I slammed the window shut.
"Yes, that's right!" she said, petting the top of Fayette's head, "L'eau means 'the water' in French. Papa always wanted to live by the beach…"
Well, the escape plan was a bust. I'll just wait for tomorrow. If I wasn't dead by ten in the morning. "Hey Auntie," I mumbled, rubbing my neck. The moon staring through our tall living room windows was the only thing that lit them up. Fayette giggled and looked through the hefty French dictionary, awaiting anything to point at.
"Hey, L'eau. Why don't you come join us?" she said. I couldn't sense any anger in her voice, only making me more suspicious of her. I was done taking beatings for today, so I moved next to her. Fayette was cuddled deep into Ludivine's lap. "How are you doing?"
I sat hunched over. It was uncomfortable, but everything inside was feeling worse, so I ignored it. "Bien."
She squinted at me with a smirk and said, "I doubt that."
Fayette bounced in her lap and pointed at the book in her lap, shoving her chubby fingers onto the pages. "Book! Livre!" she shouted.
"Yes, that's right, Fayette!" Great Aunt Ludivine tickled Fayette's stomach, causing her to burst into childish laughter and squirms. "Aren't you a smart cookie?"
I simply decided to watch them. I don't remember if I was smiling. "Isn't it her bedtime?" I asked.
Great Aunt Ludivine replied: "Isn't it your's?"
That shut me up quick.
"We're waiting for someone. Real question is," she continued, "Why do you want out?"
"What?"
"Well, you were opening the window. Where you trying to go?"
I thought for a moment. Originally, Annette's house seemed best, but she had parents that would kick me out in a heartbeat. Florence was the next best option, but she might not even be here. She lived out of box cars and went wherever it took her. Whenever I could find her, she'd tell me stories of what it was like "hometown, downtown in the U, S of A." Bonus? She was very attractive (I swear I wasn't attracted to her, really!), so I wouldn't mind train hopping with her for a while. There were a few more solid options, if need be. Eunice, Lawrence, maybe even Monica, though she could barely afford to turn on the lights at home. "I dunno," is all I said.
Auntie's smiled stayed the same. "D'ya know why you wanted to leave?"
I curled into a ball on the couch. Why did I have to make tonight the night we dealt with these weird things called emotions? I could barely take it. "I dunno. I'm just tired of staying. There's too much going on here, and there's too much I'm missing 'cuz I keep worrying about stupid things around here." As I kept talking, the pounds on my chest lightened to the size of the weights Germ used. So, I kept going. "I'm… I'm sick of this family, Auntie! I get beat up every day and I'm expected to fight back, and I do! And I win! But I'm just so tired. I want one day where I don't have to deal with this shit!"
I wasn't supposed to cuss in the house, but this wasn't Grandma. Great Aunt Ludivine didn't care. She listened intently to each and every word. I never had anyone do that before. She rubbed Fayette's hair, who was still reading the French dictionary and scanning the walls for something she recognized. Then, Ludivine nodded. "Sounds understandable. Just make sure you listen to my advice and grab your coat."
My mouth hit the floor. "What?"
"I said, sounds about right. Door's right there."
I couldn't believe it. So, I quizzed her again. "Are you serious? Aren't you supposed to say something like "Blood is thicker than water" and some other crap?"
Great Aunt Ludivine stared out the window. The entire ground was covered in snow. "Well, I suppose I should, but that's just plain wrong." I tilted my head, prompting her to go on. "That saying just ain't true."
"Really? What's it meant to be?"
“Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb.” She stated with such confidence and clarity that even Germ and all his anger issues would feel a bit better. "That is the true saying, but people twisted it. The family you choose is thicker than the ones you can't."
We stared at each for a moment. A gust of wind hit the glass panes, causing Fayette to jump. Great Aunt Ludivine shushed her softly.
I blinked. She chuckled. "You can choose who you really love, L'eau. But, I have a feeling you love us."
"How do you know?" I bit my lip and looked down at the floor. I wish there was an ant I could squish.
"Well, you asked me to prove you wrong. That means something, right?" she laughed, then moved her attention back outdoors.
Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. Honestly, I couldn't tell. Of course, I loved my family. I'd never want to replace Germ or Papa or even Fayette, but… I couldn't help but feel disconnected sometimes. I couldn't tell if they really loved me or not. But, maybe the thought that I had a choice in it did help ease my pain a bit. I wasn't locked down forever. The door's right there.
"Wanna come over here?" I reached my arm out for Fayette. She looked at me, and then revealed my father's big toothy smile. She easily scooted into my lap and I wrapped my arms around her waist. Then, methodically, she furrowed her brow and stared deeply at each page. I ran my hand over the one she wasn't looking over. I knew this book like the back of my hand. Ludivine would bust it out whenever I was misbehaving.
Her finger poked Great Aunt Ludivine's cheek. "Aunt! Tante!"
I snuggled her closer with a grin that had found its way on my face. I wonder if it looked like Papa's… "Yep! And wanna know a secret?" I cupped my hand over her ear and she leaned in. "Merde means fuck."
She gasped and giggled at me. "Merde!"
Auntie's eyes widened. "Teaching them young, I see. Lavoie's are known for two things: A potty mouth and anger issues," she laughed. Then, Auntie smiled at the window.
"Oop, there she is." Fayette whipped around to the window and squealed. I was still stuck in my own head, but I heard the garage door creak to a halt. The door on the side of the kitchen opened with the jingle of keys. I looked up.
A woman with light brown hair and tan skin raced into the kitchen, quickly throwing her overcoat, hat, and boots by the coat rack. She sighed a wave of relief once they were off and put her large purse on the table. She looked straight out of the fifties with a hair cut into a bouncy bob, a white vest, and green dress with the trim reaching just below her knees. I was always told she liked vintage styles. They were both formal and informal, perfect for any time, she said…
"I'm so sorry, Ludivine. I meant to be home for dinner and before the storm but then my boss made me work overtime and the roads were so crowded and thank God I was given tomorrow off. I still just can’t believe it!" she ranted on and on, “He knows I have kids, he knows how far my house is from work, but my boss just tells me to suck it up! So unprofessional. Thank heavens we built that garage otherwise I’d be stuck in an office for the entire week! And they’d probably have me filing papers the entire time!” Finally, after running a hand through the top of her scalp, she looked at us. Her eyes widened, "Kids! I-" A chuckle leff her as she set her keys down on the counter, "What're you still doing up? It's almost two in the morning!"
Auntie shrugged, "Give 'em a break, Kelly. They just wanted to say hi."
What shocked me most about her was her face. I’m not sure what I thought I’d see, in all honesty, but not a playful smile and gentle eyes. Mom was sixteen when Germ was born, and then she… I didn’t want to think about it anymore. It didn’t make sense. She looked so loving and kind, but shouldn’t she be overworked and miserable? God, her face. She looked like an older me with softer features and a better mindset. I must’ve looked completely dumb while my eyes were glued on her. She was so young, too. There were barely any wrinkles on her face, her forehead completely clean of any of them. How was this the woman who gave agonizing birth to Fayette and wailed the rest of the night?
“Hi, Mom,” I stupidly spat out, taken aback like a little kid who just met Santa.
“Oh, really? That’s…Well, hello to you both, I suppose!” she said, her grin wide. It wasn’t like Papa or Fayette’s, but that same type of innocent joy was woven through her teeth. Was she flabbergasted about every nice thing we did? Was I really that much of a troublemaker? (Yes. Yes, I was.) “That’s really sweet, but I probably shouldn’t encourage staying up so late.” She was so sweet. Every second I was around her I got cavities.
She approached us as fast as she could. “It’s nice to actually talk to you, L’eau. I feel like it’s been forever. So, how are you tonight?” she said, looking straight at me. I felt my soul be searched in the few seconds we had eye-contact. I was so… exposed. Her happy face hid traces of concern. “L’eau? Is something wrong?”
Fayette looked up at me. I looked down at her, and a teardrop fell from my chin and onto her clothes. She pointed at me. “Happy! No sad!” I laughed at her simple words. She was right. Be happy, no more sadness. I squeezed her tightly. I might’ve accidentally crushed her, actually. Oh, well. I can’t help but love my family. And if I don’t? The door’s right there, but after looking at my mom and the little fairy in my lap, I think I realized something. Fayette and I had the same mother. That was enough for me.
Her arms wrapped around me. “I’m sorry if you had a bad day,” Mom whispered, rubbing my back as she held Fayette and I tightly. Including my time as an infant, I can positively say that I’ve never cried as hard as I did when my mother kissed my forehead and murmured four words: “I love you, babygirl.”
I could barely breathe by the time I could muster up the words. “I love you, too, Mom.”
That same morning, my little sister pulled away from my cuddle excitedly and pulled a twenty dollar bill from beneath our pillow. The tooth fairy came a bit late last night, but as an extra gift, she left us with a heartfelt note about how happy she was to see us again, and couldn't wait to spend the next week learning about what we'd been up to.
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