Young Writers Society



The Accidental Magic: Chapter 4

by foxmaster


MEANWHILE

She knew. Oh, yes, she knew. It was a very dark feeling, one that only came at a time of great loss. Yes, she thought. I am definitely experiencing great loss. Soon they will pay. They think they already have, but they haven't.

BACK TO THE HEROES.

Today was the weirdest day ever. Thought Charlotte. I am flying and on a quest. 

"Careful, y'all!" yelled Maddie. "We are near the Explosion Plains."

"Explosion-" BOOOOM!  Suddenly. the ground beneath them exploded and sent everybody flying in different directions. They all screamed. 

~~~~~

Charlotte landed on a cliff. It was a very nice cliff, honestly. She got up, and dusted herself off very formally. Then she realized that she was on the diamond mountains! She was right by a very large cave. It wasn't dark, however. It was shimmering sixty different colors, because on the inside, the mountain was filled with multicolored precious gems. 

"Go left!"

No, RIGHT!"

Charlotte heard the vices of her teammates and was glad that they all weren't split up all over the place. She slowly walked over to them. "Oh, hi Charlotte!" said Toby. "we're all glad you're here!" 

Charlotte was glad, too. 

"Should we go left, or RIGHT?"  Maddie said, and it was clear she wanted to go right. 

"Maybe..." said Charlotte, having actually no idea where to go. "Left?" actually, it was a terrible idea.

ELLIE

Ellie already had a hard time tracking her sister and her friends. The explosion didn't help. Her feet were aching, and she felt incredibly tired. 

Suddenly, she saw a lone figure wandering around. Hoping it was Charlotte, she ran over to it, and saw that it was not, in fact, her sister. 

Instead it was a girl with long dark hair. her eyes were a strange violet. 

"How did the Witches not capture you?" asked Ellie suspiciously.  Something set her on edge.

"Because," said the girl, "I am one." Ellie screamed. The girl cut her off. "I know how to save everyone. I can help you. but... for a price." 


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518 Reviews


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Tue Jan 24, 2023 6:14 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hmm…Who is thinking about making people pay? The Queen? Is the Queen a villain? Could it be Maddie? Or that witch girl Ellie met? The witch girl seems okay, but then again, witches are supposed to be evil in this universe and Ellie only JUST met her. What if the witch girl is another version of Charlotte? One Ellie and Charlotte herself wouldn’t be able to recognize?

I wish you a fantastic day/night.




foxmaster says...


Spoiler alert: the queen is evil



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Mon Jan 23, 2023 3:02 am
Zeno wrote a review...



Hi, I'm reviewing your work again.

Code: Select all
She knew. Oh, yes, she knew. It was a very dark feeling, one that only came at a time of great loss. Yes, she thought. I am definitely experiencing great loss. Soon they will pay. They think they already have, but they haven't.


We have some amazing stuff here. The introduction of the mysterious girl who claims to be a witch and offers to help for a price adds a new element of intrigue and danger to the story. It raises many questions in my mind about the girl's intentions and what the cost of her help might be.

Code: Select all
Today was the weirdest day ever. Thought Charlotte. I am flying and on a quest.

"Careful, y'all!" yelled Maddie. "We are near the Explosion Plains."

"Explosion-" BOOOOM!  Suddenly. the ground beneath them exploded and sent everybody flying in different directions. They all screamed.

~~~~~

Charlotte landed on a cliff. It was a very nice cliff, honestly. She got up, and dusted herself off very formally. Then she realized that she was on the diamond mountains! She was right by a very large cave. It wasn't dark, however. It was shimmering sixty different colors, because on the inside, the mountain was filled with multicolored precious gems.


This scene creates a sense of danger and action and makes the story more dynamic, adding an unexpected twist to the story which leaves me guessing about the characters' fate. My one suggestion is that the transition from the explosion to discovering the diamond mountain could be more developed and described in more detail. You can make it more clear on how the characters ended up there, what they experience and how they react to the situation.

Code: Select all
"Go left!"

No, RIGHT!"

Charlotte heard the vices of her teammates and was glad that they all weren't split up all over the place. She slowly walked over to them. "Oh, hi Charlotte!" said Toby. "we're all glad you're here!"

Charlotte was glad, too.

"Should we go left, or RIGHT?"  Maddie said, and it was clear she wanted to go right.

"Maybe..." said Charlotte, having actually no idea where to go. "Left?" actually, it was a terrible idea.

I expected that the group might be poor on team work since they knew each other just moments ago. However, this dialogue shows good establishment of the relationships of the group. It shows their camaraderie and their sense of team spirit. This is just a detail that I found peculiar with.

In summary, this chapter is well-written and effectively establishes the setting, characters, and conflict of the story, while also adding new elements of intrigue and danger that keeps me engaged and curious about what will happen next.

And as always, looking forward for the next chapter!




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Sun Jan 22, 2023 3:45 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Ahhh I'm really starting to get invested here! We've got three separate POV's now and it seems like every single one ends on its own cliffhanger I love the tension you're building up that way. I wonder if at some point all of these POV's will end up meeting.

Anyway let's get right to it,

She knew. Oh, yes, she knew. It was a very dark feeling, one that only came at a time of great loss. Yes, she thought. I am definitely experiencing great loss. Soon they will pay. They think they already have, but they haven't.


Well that's an interesting little interlude there. It looks like we just got ourselves a bit of a sneak peak at the villain there and I am loving it. It looks our villain's got some pretty interesting plans there and quite some hidden backstory to be revealed eventually. I love this moment.

Today was the weirdest day ever. Thought Charlotte. I am flying and on a quest.

"Careful, y'all!" yelled Maddie. "We are near the Explosion Plains."

"Explosion-" BOOOOM! Suddenly. the ground beneath them exploded and sent everybody flying in different directions. They all screamed.


Well that's one way to introduce a place called the explosion plains. I loved the way you handled that. Its a nice way to shock us quickly. The only tiny nitpick I have is that this person's warning clearly came far too later here which seems odd, but otherwise I love how everything just blows up there.

Charlotte landed on a cliff. It was a very nice cliff, honestly. She got up, and dusted herself off very formally. Then she realized that she was on the diamond mountains! She was right by a very large cave. It wasn't dark, however. It was shimmering sixty different colors, because on the inside, the mountain was filled with multicolored precious gems.

"Go left!"

No, RIGHT!"


Oooh well that's a really interesting mountain there. I think you give us just about the perfect amount of description for that. Its handled quite nicely. And it also looks like everyone else is still fine as well so perhaps this explosion wasn't quite so bad after all.

Charlotte heard the vices of her teammates and was glad that they all weren't split up all over the place. She slowly walked over to them. "Oh, hi Charlotte!" said Toby. "we're all glad you're here!"

Charlotte was glad, too.

"Should we go left, or RIGHT?" Maddie said, and it was clear she wanted to go right.

"Maybe..." said Charlotte, having actually no idea where to go. "Left?" actually, it was a terrible idea.


Okayyy well that looks like they've at least regrouped although our mysterious narrator here seems to think that was a terrible idea. Well, hopefully it doesn't end up going too badly for them, at the very least it creates a nice bit of tension there and another little cliffhanger.

Ellie already had a hard time tracking her sister and her friends. The explosion didn't help. Her feet were aching, and she felt incredibly tired.

Suddenly, she saw a lone figure wandering around. Hoping it was Charlotte, she ran over to it, and saw that it was not, in fact, her sister.

Instead it was a girl with long dark hair. her eyes were a strange violet.

"How did the Witches not capture you?" asked Ellie suspiciously. Something set her on edge.

"Because," said the girl, "I am one." Ellie screamed. The girl cut her off. "I know how to save everyone. I can help you. but... for a price."


Ooooh I love the double storylines here. The more we see of Ellie, the more it seems like she's really someone special here because the way she manages to follow all of them on foot like this and then the way she talks to this stranger really shows she can't be completely new to this.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I love the vibes that you're creating here and I think this chapter was much better paced compared to the last two. It didn't feel like we were rushing at any point here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate





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