Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The accidental magic: chapter one

by foxmaster


Charlotte Henderson was sitting in the large pink chair decorated with floral patters reading. It was almost noon, and her parents were leaving for a week long trip to Rome and leaving her and her sister Ellie behind in the new mansion. Haunted mansion. Last week she had seen three ghosts down in the cellar when she should have been taking out the laundry. She did not. It was hard to concentrate on her book. "It's almost time for them to leave." said Ellie. She seemed excited. "Can't you wait?" 

"Nope." said Charlotte and shuddered at the thought of all the ghosts waiting for the two girls to be alone. "It will be fine." said Ellie, clicking away on her laptop. 

"this place is haunted." Ellie rolled her eyes. "If you're that scared, check the ghost section in this library for something to actually read."

"I am reading."

"No you're not. You haven't flipped that page in over half an hour." True. thought Charlotte and she walked over to the ghost section until... 

"BOOOOOOO!" Charlotte screamed and dropped her book. It was only Ellie. 

"It only gets worse from here." she said. sadly that was very true.


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Points: 44
Reviews: 3

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Wed Jan 25, 2023 10:15 am
MissSaigon says...



Grammar: Try being more aware of commas and their rules, as well as linking words as some sentence beginnings just get slammed into the readers face with no warning, making it hard to read along/understanding the jumps in between actions etc. Always check if you capitalised the first letter of the words that you use to start your sentences.
Context: The beginning is a little bit confusing as though the circumstances aren’t elaborated well enough and need some more detail to maintain their spooky effect. The start just throws the reader into the story with no knowledge of what is happening.

Conclusion:
You did a good job, keep improving but be more vary of how your story will sound and how the reader will feel once they start reading your story. Don’t just throw them in the cold water.
Also try writing more and making the chapters longer, it is a little short. You can add length through more detailed descriptions!
The ending is intriguing but also spoilers what will happen. A cliffhanger is always good, just keep the next happenings a secret!




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Points: 44
Reviews: 3

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Wed Jan 25, 2023 10:15 am
MissSaigon wrote a review...



Grammar: Try being more aware of commas and their rules, as well as linking words as some sentence beginnings just get slammed into the readers face with no warning, making it hard to read along/understanding the jumps in between actions etc. Always check if you capitalised the first letter of the words that you use to start your sentences.
Context: The beginning is a little bit confusing as though the circumstances aren’t elaborated well enough and need some more detail to maintain their spooky effect. The start just throws the reader into the story with no knowledge of what is happening.

Conclusion:
You did a good job, keep improving but be more vary of how your story will sound and how the reader will feel once they start reading your story. Don’t just throw them in the cold water.
Also try writing more and making the chapters longer, it is a little short. You can add length through more detailed descriptions!
The ending is intriguing but also spoilers what will happen. A cliffhanger is always good, just keep the next happenings a secret!




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Points: 215
Reviews: 3

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Tue Jan 24, 2023 3:50 am
RokitaVivi wrote a review...



So starting this off with some parts I liked about this story, or I guess chapter one. The story gets going doesn't slow down or skip any beats. Basically your story's flow doesn't doesn't slow down or drag in places. It establishes who the characters are and their personality. Your description on the setting and character interaction is pretty good.
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Moving on to some parts I didn't like. The main part of my problem would have to be, the story being is too short. I'm not say you should fill your chapter with pointless filler or drag it out. But I'm not going to give it too much flack since it is the first chapter. Another thing is that it felt too abrupt to end your chapter.
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I wish you a nice morning, noon, and night.




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518 Reviews


Points: 101
Reviews: 518

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Sat Jan 21, 2023 5:02 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Oh no…something is gonna happen with them. Either the girls are going to work together to fight the ghosts, the ghosts are friendly and trying to protect them from a bigger evil, they’ll both die and join the ghosts, or something else entirely. I like the characters so far. I hope that they’ll be alright, but I’ll have to find out from the other chapters.

I wish you a fantastic day/night.




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9 Reviews


Points: 242
Reviews: 9

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Fri Jan 20, 2023 9:46 am
Zeno wrote a review...



Hello!

I have many insights about this piece, both good and bad. Let's begin with the good ones.

First of all, the word choice you used is wise. It is simple and elegant. Unlike some other books where the writers tried to flex their eloquence, this story is simple and easy to understand. Although some people might say that it is too simple - which I don't disagree with - I personally think that it is just fine.

The flow of the story is also nice. You don't have wait for too long for something to happen. This kept me reading until the end without feeling bored.

However, I agree with dragonnight that the chapter is too short. There also isn't enough description of characters. So many details that needed clarity wasn't explained. For example, after reading the entire thing, I'm still confused about many things: what is the relationship of the sisters and their parents, is it good or bad? How big is the mansion, and why is it haunted? Why are their parents going to Rome? This isn't a "I'm curious" confused but more of a "why isn't it explained" confused. To put it short, the groundwork isn't enough.

With all that said, I'd like to give a disclaimer and clarify that I'm not a professional writer. I'm just a hobbyist. The things I've said here might be wrong, so please correct me if so. Nevertheless, Those are all my opinions. Hope it helps ^_^

Also, I see that you already uploaded chapter 2, that would be the next post I'm reviewing.




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3850 Reviews


Points: 210016
Reviews: 3850

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Thu Jan 19, 2023 9:51 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! I see you're new here so Welcome to YWS!! Hope you enjoy your time here!

First Impression: Well this is quite a nice start. It is very much on the simpler side of things but at the same time it really is quite a fun little piece here. It manages to do that while at the same time being pretty mysterious too.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Charlotte Henderson was sitting in the large pink chair decorated with floral patters reading. It was almost noon, and her parents were leaving for a week long trip to Rome and leaving her and her sister Ellie behind in the new mansion. Haunted mansion. Last week she had seen three ghosts down in the cellar when she should have been taking out the laundry. She did not. It was hard to concentrate on her book. "It's almost time for them to leave." said Ellie. She seemed excited. "Can't you wait?"


Well this is quite the start here. It hits you with quite a lot of information pretty quickly and its very close to being just a little too much. I think as it stands its just about understandable enough that you can get away with it and the idea of a haunted mansion and this person having to be left alone in it for some time works well enough to get us to want to read more here. The mention of that one ghost sighting is also a great choice here because it adds a bit more power to this haunted house situation. So overall, a solid enough start here albeit it could do with just a bit more streamlining.

"Nope." said Charlotte and shuddered at the thought of all the ghosts waiting for the two girls to be alone. "It will be fine." said Ellie, clicking away on her laptop.

"this place is haunted." Ellie rolled her eyes. "If you're that scared, check the ghost section in this library for something to actually read."

"I am reading."


Oooh so our protagonist isn't alone after all. Straight away even though we only see a tiny glimpse of these two you can tell there's a good relationship there. The banter seems to be of two people who know each other well and the idea of them having to survive with these ghosts is lovely. I also love the opposing sides of how one person is clearly very concerned about the ghosts but the other one seems to at least be pretending that everything is fine. Its a nice contrast and not only does it add a nice extra undercurrent of humor here, it also ends up being pretty interesting in terms of the story to come.

"No you're not. You haven't flipped that page in over half an hour." True. thought Charlotte and she walked over to the ghost section until...

"BOOOOOOO!" Charlotte screamed and dropped her book. It was only Ellie.

"It only gets worse from here." she said. sadly that was very true.


Well that's a fun prank to end on there. I love how this seems to imply there's going to be a lot more pranks to come while it also implies that the ghosts are going to be worse than Ellie yelling boo. Its a nice little double trouble scenario there and I think it forms a lovely place to end on here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a simple and exciting little piece. I think you've done enough that we as readers do want to read more here, and these characters here seem like they'd be quite fun too. It could do with a little bit of streamlining here and there but as it stands its got quite a lot of potential here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




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5 Reviews


Points: 120
Reviews: 5

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Thu Jan 19, 2023 5:41 am
dragonight9 wrote a review...



Not bad but there are a few places to improve.

I thought the chapter was a bit short but as long as you are consistent that isn't a bad thing.

Generally I've found that a thought should be on a new line or be italicized to show that it's a thought not just a fact the author is telling the reader. Also the
'Booo!' Charlotte screamed...
section confused me at first since it seemed like Charlotte was the one who screamed Booo!
Reading the context made it clear Ellie was the one who had shouted but it could have been made more clear.

The description must be for the story you are going to be telling and it did a great job of catching my attention, but the first chapter didn't include anything that drew me in further or related to the description. It kind of seemed like a completely different story from the chapter title and description.

You didn't make any spelling mistakes (or corrected them before posting) so good job on that.

I'm trying to get enough points to post my own stories and the rest of this is mostly just to pad the word count for points which is kind of sad to do since it can be boring to read although it does help people since you want to be leaving reviews that are somewhat inciteful and help the poster. Though it also encourages people to write a whole bunch of words that mean nothing and so if you're still reading this I guess I kept you engaged enough not to stop or maybe you are just waiting to see how this ends and I'm sorry for keeping you but I wanted to rant about the system and how it's not bad but still annoying while padding my point count to write my own fantasy stories about dragons so that I have feedback to help me write my book about dragons called tales of Dragonight in which my self insert character meets a dragon and grows up with him. Masters magic and teams up with his schoolmates to travel to all the dragon villages to help orphaned dragons meet their parents and eventually bring about peace between dragons and humans while fighting an ancient dragon obsessed with war and with a intense hatred of humans and entitlement issue.




foxmaster says...


Thank you for the kind reviews, and yes I will try to improve and read your book. If you have any suggestions, I will gratefully take them. :)




Journeys end in lovers' meeting.
— William Shakespeare