Young Writers Society

hey I am here for the review.

so I like the concept of the poem describing different part of cyberpunk city and life in each section of poem , I suggest you add some dash or dot something that can separate parts, it makes the reading easy and doesn't bore or confuse the reader with long continuous sections.

I like the simple , direct style of describing with imagery , I cannot give in-depth review of the whole cause its damn longs so the first two are already reviewed so I will start with 3rd
..
3rd METROPOLIS -
love this line

Metropolis never falls asleep

Kindness is not known here

Virtue isn't a king

good lines describing the busy life and mentality of this place, though I am not sure what the words memories meant in this .like what type of memories , I suppose some memory of past cruelty the metropolitan people have faced that make them wild and kind .
...

4th CYBER FISHERMAN'S BAY

''Crossing the neon water,'' nice imagery explanation of neon light falling on the water

''like a little girl waiting for her father to come back. '' love the simile

...
5th LEAVING FREE STATE

I suppose this is about a simulation life , "Hooked on a high, a beautiful lie " where you are kept high like a lab rat , but i don't get sympathy and attitude line , I am sorry i am just confused in this one last two felt like a glimpse of life in the part of the cyber punk city, this one also seems like a part of the place where life is of simulation but i am not sure .

..
6 th PAST MEMO OR THE GOODBYE MOTHERLAND

This part is the past memories of the speaker I suppose where life was simple and the speaker and people ( lover and friends ) were living normally and happily and now the times have changed. I like the fact you added this here it feels like a breath of fresh air in between the city life we were in before a good place where we can fully understand the just how nice the life before was :

"Circumstances have changed our minds.

I long for those times, and I suspect you do too,

When we were carefree and young,

When we were invincible."


these line nicely show us how the writers view is , the power they had before now they are just part of a cyber punk dystopia ,

.....
7 th CYBERPUNK BROTHEL

i love the description of futuristic brothel ,( Where the working girls are wired and sleek,
Their bodies augmented, their eyes unique,)

They cater to the lusts and desires,

Of the hackers and corps who fan the fires.

In rooms of holographic delight,

The men find pleasure, day and night,

But beware, for there is danger here,

In this den of vice and sin, so clear.

For in this world of virtual dreams,

i love the dystopia imagery of the brothel and the virtual dream part

The lines between reality and art ( I suppose you used art for the rhyming , it's good to rhyme but prioritize meaningful word over rhyming)

out of 5 the last brothel one was the best at putting the imagery of the place and describing what you wanted to describe
....

as a general comment I liked the variety you gave the concept was nice it was fresh to read something unique ,I just found a little inconsistency in writing Someplaces you are lacking Someplaces you are writing adequately , the rhyming is also inconsistent in Someplaces you have used very bland sentences

in general I liked it , it was fun to read

Hey there! Lim here with a review. Since you’ve posted 10 poems here, which is a lot to get through at once, I’ll only be able to review 2 in greater detail. I’ll give general comments for the whole thing as a set though, since they seem to be interconnected.

General Comments

I like the range of takes you’ve given on the “cyberpunk” theme. There are some poems that are more hopeful while others are more cynical; some poems are more focused on the individual while others consider the whole society. I felt like each poem was presenting something new.

From what I can tell, one of the themes of the poems is modernity. I find it interesting that you’ve chosen to rhyme the ends of lines in some of the poems (though not others). This sort of rhyme scheme, especially when the rhyme follows an AABB pattern, kind of makes the poem seem more ‘traditional’ even though the imagery is all about this futuristic world. The figures in the poems also often are wrestling with features of the modern world like city life, technology and consumerism.

I thought some of the poems sound better read aloud than others. At times the rhyme feels just a tad forced, for example in the 9th poem “Neon Empire”:

A neon empire, where all are equal, the poor and the pearl.

Gunshots and fire,Screaming and laughing.
Neon lightning and lighting from lighter,

Being a citizen of cyber metropolis,

Hello! I enjoyed reading through all these poems. It was a bit hard to tell where a poem ended and began, but I saw the titles in between so it was fine!

Firstly, I love the theme of cyberpunk (and the somewhat dystopian theme you did as well). I think there’s a lot of things to uncover with the topic.

My favorite poem was Jezebel. The way it was written allowed me to really tune into the character’s experiences. I especially love the line, “where the streets are ruled by corporate might”. It reminds me of many shows I’ve seen about government/authority corruption, and incorporating that with the description of neon lights as well as keeping the theme of cyberpunk in mind paints a really vivid image.

My second favorite was Metropolis. Again with the imagery! Even if you didn’t describe these poems as cyberpunk themed, it would be fairly easy for the reader to understand that with your wording; it’s just that lively. Metropolis makes me feel as if the cyberpunk world in which you’re describing is viewed from the outside inwards, almost like it’s in a snow globe. The reader is placed outside the scene and views several little glimpses of what life is like for those in the world. It’s not too much, and just enough to keep the reader intrigued in the flow of life in the world. My favorite line here would be,

“He sets off from the shore,

leaving the bay behind.

Crossing the neon water,

leaving the toxic city behind.”

It really pushes the idea home that a world of such huge technological advancements and digitalization isn’t so glamorous as it may seem to some. It connects really well to the other poems.

Overall, I really loved these poems and the themes. A suggestion would be to split the poems more clearly so it’s easier to read, because without your description it seems like one long piece. Still amazing nonetheless. I would also like to read more cyberpunk themed poems like Jezebel from you!

Have a good day/night, and happy writing!