Young Writers Society

Hello summerdepressionexe! Incoming review!

First off, I'd like to give you a belated welcome to YWS! I hope you have a great time here. The poem has a nice bout of strong imagery and it was pleasurable o read. With that said, lets get onto the review!

I'll start out with critiques first.
This isn't necessarily a critique, but something to comment on. Your poem felt a lot more like prose. It mainly came from the direct order of events. Running outside-->Sprinting to the sidewalk-->Smashing Flowers. It all felt like something in a paragraph, rather than traditional poetry. Of course, this is a stylistic choice, but you mentioned how you weren't too familiar with poetry, so I wanted o mention it.

If it were me, I would use more figurative language. Maybe I'd personify the weeds or moonlight. You could have even gone deeper into stepping on all the cracks. Something that could work in this piece would be to use the old children's rhyme of "Step on a crack and you'll break you mom's back." It would fit with the malicious tone you have to a person.

Again, what I'm about to mention is more of a stylistic choice, but good to have in mind. Something I was suggested is to think of your poetry in sentences, break the line whenever it feels right, but don't capitalize that line. Auto capitalization is kind of marks of a newbie poet. Of course, it can just be a style thing, but sometimes it doesn't look like the poet knows what they're doing.

As an example, I would take these lines

Sure, he left seeds in the cracks

But he was the one who made the cracks in the first place

Sure, he left seeds in the cracks,

but he was the one who made the cracks in the first place

I run outside at 1 AM with only the moonlight to guide me

The alarm doesn’t go off; we never installed it when we moved here

I rip it from the ground and blow it away, without making a single wish

Hi, hello there! This is Ina speaking. I am here to write down a little comment/review. Anyways, let's get into it.

"I run outside at 1 AM with only the moonlight to guide me

The alarm doesn’t go off; we never installed it when we moved here

I sprint to the sidewalk and stomp on all the lines

Stomping over and over again

Weeds and flowers were growing between the cracks

But I smashed them

It’s all his fault; he’s a monster

Sure, he left seeds in the cracks

But he was the one who made the cracks in the first place

A stalk of floor peeks out from the damage at the edge of the path

I rip it from the ground and blow it away, without making a single wish

Am I the monster?"

I love the words that you used in this beautiful masterpiece. I love the description of the weeds and the flowers, it's one of my favorite lines. I feel tense whenever I read this. I think I should post this in the YWS forum that appeared on my feed about a good poem you read every week. By the way, who's he? Is it about the narrator or someone who's running with the narrator? Anyways, just a question. Also, you have the wrong spelling of the word "floor" in the line:

"A stalk of floof peeks out from the damage at the edge of the path."

I hope this helps! You just need to re-touch the poem and it'll be perfectly good! Have a good morning, day, afternoon, or night. By the way, late warm welcome to the site c:

hi!

first and foremost, i want to welcome you to this lovely site! i’ve been here for quite a while and even though i have not been super active within the past couple of years, every time i revisit, i hear from so many friends and witness a lot of talent get made on this site. it will always be a welcoming place. with that, i do want to mention that i have not done a review in a bit, so please take every word with a grain of salt.

i love that you’re wanting to delve into poetry and i think you have a very good start. the feeling of “everything is my fault” is a very common feeling and i believe by comparing that to a monster is very fitting. i like this idea that you painted of worrying if you’re the monster or is someone else. though, what does that feel like to you? is it guilt? is it frustration? i think by digging deeper with how that feels and where in your body that feels (your head, your stomach, etc.) would be an excellent and interesting facet to explore.

I run outside at 1 AM with only the moonlight to guide me

The alarm doesn’t go off; we never installed it when we moved here

I sprint to the sidewalk and stomp on all the lines

Stomping over and over again

I sprint to the sidewalk and stomp on all the lines

Over and over again

Weeds and flowers were growing between the cracks

But I smashed them

It’s all his fault; he’s a monster

Sure, he left seeds in the cracks

But he was the one who made the cracks in the first place

A stalk of floof peeks out from the damage at the edge of the path

I rip it from the ground and blow it away, without making a single wish

Am I the monster?