i spend my tuesdays
babysitting the hungry little instincts
that fit in my palm. i gave my own fear
a piggyback ride & it thanked me kindly.
most of the time, i wouldn't
get the time of day.
it felt different.
i was finally something
less grotesque & more man.
i collect ideas about boys that
listen to nu-metal & other things
that grow on my walls;
greenscreens, black mold,
sleep paralysis demons.
they treat me like i am human
so it's only natural that i enjoy it.
i treat myself like a disease
so that i can pretend i am cured.
This has a dark meaning to it, the more you let your fears consume you the more you get treated like you exsist in your own mind then in reality, you get so used to that pain that it feels like home, but the more you carry it around, the more you die slowly, you distance yourself from the people you love, they become enemies, you then start to kill yourself slowly as time passes.
i love this. i wish i had fancy things to say like the others, but gawd damn. i love the words u used and how u placed them, it seems so effortlessly put together and i am jealous. very intrigued as to which numetal artists ur talking about, i can't tell if ur speaking negatively about it though. "i gave my own fear a piggy back ride & it thanked me kindly" ugh, the personification is perfect! it says a lot about ur position..
Polish it.It could be very good.The idea is unique and there's a twisted edge to it that can be really very fascinating if properly executed.The whole poem's message is a little obscure,and not in an abstract way but rather inclining towards the unintelligible.There's a rawness to your words that ignites and pulls at 'something' in the reader.Try to maintain that quality.Your vocabulary is pretty impressive.My favourite line - "I spend my Tuesdays
babysitting my hungry little instincts"
I love the C. S. Lewis vibes.
One thing I would say is that for all the &s, maybe actually put and? It'd make a bit more sense. You also may want to focus on where in a sentence you start a new line. Like when there is a period you start a new line or one whole section is a sentence? In poetry everything matters, even the indents have meaning so you may want to pay attention to that. If you were to do all this it would get your readers thinking and inferencing and that's always satisfying.
Overall I really did like this. As said earlier it's a lot like C.S. Lewis's work style-wise and it's not so long that people with short attention spans (like me) get bored. It also has me reading it over and over again.
-Cleo Carson speaking
This is an amazing piece! The line "i treat myself like a disease" gives me some depression vibes. I can personally relate. Honestly just fix the capitalization errors and you'll be good!
5/5
-Corp. C. Carson
-[REDACTED] County Sheriff's Office
117,148 Literary Works • 634,649 Reviews
Points: 122
Reviews: 27
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