z

Young Writers Society



passed away

by Anamel


a shaded geisha is eclipsed by a little light
burning with all its half living might
a rice paper lantern locking horns with night
slips on a gown of fluttering moths

an unpainted face shy of eyes
does not wait for the sun to rise
across the world her lover lies
she blows out the moths into ash like a candle

a yen dragon born of her longing
awoken by its desperate need of belonging
takes flight at the sound of gonging
an arching cry silenced by perpetual heaviness

both hold fire beneath their tongue
a forbidden magic never to be sung
quickens in new land where lychee are hung
she hugs the urn of ashes at his door

their sacrificial sweat drips
as a scathing wax to part her pouting lips
teeth marks implanted upon her narrow hips
steam as incense clouds the craters on her skin

a parting gift to bond shades of sky
quiet funeral held beneath his bed, a mayfly
accepts its one day life, sinks in quicksand to die
retires upon a sheet of little winged beings

his hair not yet fashioned into blinding white
brown eyes blindfolded by moonlight
permitted only to rest out of sight
allowed to be human for only a little while

her friends will wake, she must go soon
he one hour of sun, she a phase of the moon
they can never meet in dune or afternoon
pieces and cripples cannot make themself whole

she reads the braille on his skin
finds another blanket to wrap him in
keeps her thousandth goodbye tight within
knowing the play does not wait for backup actors

as he is summons to be a slave of sunrise
she passes the threshold to the other side
ash erupts into angels rushing to his bedside
covering his body in millions of tiny kisses

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105 Reviews

Points: 33
Reviews: 105

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Wed Oct 05, 2022 10:39 am
fatherfig wrote a review...



Hey this is gem writing his review! I am rusty so take it easy on me XD.

I love this poem it took me a while to figure out the rhyme scheme but once I did everything fell into place! The first two verses are a little shorter than the rest and that made it feel a little choppy before I realized it was rhyme based, then I could easily follow the intended rhythm!

The imagery is amazing! You did a marvelous job with it, I could see the geisha, I could see the moths! It was like I was reading from some tapestry with striking images!

Here is a little critique!

"they can never meet in dune or afternoon"
This line feels a little bit off to me, the inline rhyme with the others feels a bit much.

"as he is summons to be a slave of sunrise"
Summons here should maybe be summoned. I think it would make more sense with prior wording.

I really liked these two lines in particular!

"his hair not yet fashioned into blinding white
brown eyes blindfolded by moonlight"

I think they have a mystery and appeal to them. They feel very descriptive and intense and they leave a comic image in my imagination.

This was gem trying to review! Keep writing! Stay well !

Take care of yourself friend!




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Points: 322
Reviews: 3

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Wed Oct 05, 2022 9:09 am
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MyKingdomOfRuins wrote a review...



Why was this so freaking beautiful???????
Where did you learn to write such masterpieces?

The only thing I picked up was you say as he is summons which kinda sounds a bit odd grammatically. The line is:
as he is summons to be a slave of sunrise

I'd say 'summoned' instead

or i suggest you rewrite it in a way that doesn't affect the flow of this poem like:
"as they summon him to be a slave of sunrise"

I love how each line can be connected to the title of 'passed away'. I also enjoyed reading the words you used to bring a fantasy themed feel. Certain lines that truly stood out to me were those at the beginning of each stanza, lines like


-his hair not yet fashioned into blinding white

-a yen dragon born of her longing

Finally,
I love how despite this being written in a fantasy genre, there are lines that remind me of death and family passing in reality which was a beautiful connection.

Keep writing masterpieces!!!

-Cori





If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang