Young Writers Society

Hi this is gem writing his review. I am rusty so take it easy on me XD!

This was an interesting piece. It speaks about police brutality and how everything influences the black community. About how things are biased towards the white people in the legal system and they always assume the worst of others and try to take action on it before making sure it is right. It's definitely not right and I think that's an important topic. It's not a very happy topic and I'm glad that you had the confidence to talk about it. This is also a sonnet so, I think you did a pretty good job with that sonnets are already very difficult.

I understand that here hoary is supposed to rhyme with story but it sounds a little bit gaudy here. I would suggest switching it out with a different end rhyme like 'the cop goes to court what he says as a fable /how many times has the story been put on table'

That really is all the critique I have my favorite line would have to be 'Simply because he doesn't look like the rest/ Here the reason is not shrouded in mist'

The second line I mentioned is particularly impactful and I love it!

This is gem closing his review! Keep writing ! Stay safe!

Hi there,

I'm here to do an end of Review Month Review!

Interpretation
So this is a very intense poem, on a really pertinent and important topic. kudos to you for tackling something like this, and in a sonnet no less.

I interpreted the poem to be about a specific instance of police brutality against a young black boy who was killed by a white cop unjustly - I don't know if you're writing from a specific scenario you were connected to - but if this is part of your community my sympathy definitely goes out to you. Sadly this type of story happens all too often as your poem says in the final line; maybe not always of killing, but certainly of unjust force and racist violence within the legal system.

This piece can hopefully be used to bring attention to a really important issue in our time and maybe provoke a little more sympathy for those communities effected - for me you hit good notes of heartbreaking and anger/injustice which I think makes the poem that much more impactful.

Highlights
I liked that you used both specific and general language - > if the poem didn't focus on one particular person it might not evoke quite as much emotion. The scene you outline in just a few phrases is pretty clear and easy to follow even under the formatting restrictions of a sonnet.

Suggestions

I think we've got three quick typos here: "Image loosing your bother, friend, son." -> I think you mean "Imagine losing your brother, friend, son."

I couldn't figure out if there was a rhyme or reason for not capitalizing "white cop" in the 4th to last line and capitalizing it elsewhere, and then lowercasing 'black boy'. Usually within the Black community I've seen "black" capitalized as an identity marker in sort of pride?, and white lowercased? I can see reasons for doing it either way - but I think you should probably be intentional and consistent with it. ie. if you capitalize white once, it probably should be carried on throughout the poem.

I thought the rhymes were fairly good throughout - although I thought "hoary" was a bit of a stretch -> maybe "phony" instead? or alter the line to end in a word that's a bit more common.

I know in your work description you said you weren't going to rate it because 'everyone should know' but I would lightly recommend marking this "v" for violent since it does cover blood, murder, and police brutality which likely might be a triggering topic for some though on YWS there's not a rule that you absolutely have to usually unless it's truly mature or 18+. which this is not.

Last suggestion; I always advise authors against putting an author's note that under-cuts their work at the beginning. Something like "HEY GUYS DON"T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY BECAUSE IT"S AN EARLY WORK" is going to flavor how readers experience the work. Let the work speak for itself and then give your disclaimers or apologies if you feel necessary, but for poetry especially a reader must trust the author a bit so you don't want to set up something to break that trust before the reader's even begun the piece. Hope that makes sense!

Overall
Overall this is quite a bit more serious than the typical YWS work I read - but I like reading something a bit more serious and weighty once in a while and I also appreciate that you were willing to jump into something with a bit more formal formatting too. Keep on writing!

~ alliyah

Oh! It is supposed to be grieves in this line, rather than cries.
His family cries, his family cries.
His family grieves, his family cries.*

Hi guys, the "piece" I published. . . forever ago, wasn't very good, and neither is this one, but I HAVE to spread my message. Let me know what you think!!!