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treasures

by HikariHateke



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Points: 94
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Fri Dec 09, 2022 10:05 am
sandygarnet wrote a review...



It's such a sweet poem. And it's so true. Appreciate the similarity and comparison between love and materialistic treasures. Many people want money, and they are willing to sacrifice so many things for it. Sometimes people even hoard love in their hearts and do not give it away so easily. but simple acts of kindness are enough to free this emotion. The satisfaction that one gets when one loves or is loved, is more wholesome than all the gold in the world.

The poem was easy to follow but towards the end it became a bit confusing. I agree with Alliyah that you could have used a different word choice there. And yes, I think you meant to use "than" instead of "then" in the last stanza. Overall, it's a good poem.

Cheers




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Tue Jul 19, 2022 2:25 am
lliyah wrote a review...



Hi there! A late welcome to YWS, so glad to see you sharing poetry on the site, and even tackling some cool formatting too. I love posting poems as images because it allows to get the poem's formatting just right!

I think this was a sort of mysterious exploration into themes of treasure as the title said - and although the poem starts out outlining the conventional treasures of money / gold / silver, the speaker reveals the very best treasure is actually the key to a heart which I interpreted as love! Very sweet, and unexpected conclusion!

A few copy-edit notes:

"A treasure most want -> grammatically would flow a bit better as "wanted" rather than "want" because it's in past-tense there I believe.

"Then the key to a heart" -> "Then" should be "Than" which is the comparative word. Easy mix-up!

A few other suggestions:

Imagery
I think that you could take this poem to the next level by diving into imagery a bit more - beyond gold and silver really illustrate with words what that conventional treasure looks like - are there gems? necklaces? historical artifacts? priceless crowns?

Rhyme
I love that you used a little light rhyme in here with "silver / glimmer" and "hoard / reward" - using near rhyme is a good way to add some nice flow to the piece, but one thing to watch out for is being so tied to a rhyme that you lose the flow or sense of the piece. For instance I wasn't sure how the key to a heart would be hidden under a rock - I couldn't quite make sense of that metaphor link and would maybe consider taking that line out? or changing up the line to end in rock, but not putting the key under it? maybe "once hard as a rock / now made soft with love to unlock" or something like that to use rock in a different way but still keep the key motif.

Overall a lovely message that the greatest treasure of all isn't an object at all! :) I hope you keep writing and sharing your poetry here!

~ alliyah




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Mon Jul 11, 2022 11:15 pm
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figmoon wrote a review...



Hello HikariHateke!

First off, I really enjoyed the rhyme scheme going on - it definitely adds a rhythm and flow to the poem. The only thing I would mention would be that it would have been nice to see some more consistency in the rhyme. For example, the first stanza utilizes a near rhyme ("silver" and "glimmers") which makes me a little unsure if it's even supposed to be a rhyme. Nothing wrong with a near rhyme, of course! I would definitely consider alternatives, though, just because it would apply some consistency and cohesion to the entire poem.

The other thing I thought was worth mentioning was the last stanza:

Then the key to a heart
Hidden under a rock
Freely given to unlock.

The message of the poem prior to this stanza had me viewing the desirable treasure as hard to reach, mysterious, and unattainable. Thus, I think the word choice of "freely given" is interesting - how is it "given"? Didn't the key (and locked treasure) have to be searched for in order to be unlocked and attained? I think playing around with this part may be beneficial, as it would emphasize the ideas delivered in previous stanzas.

Also, a short side note: is there a meaning behind capitalizing "silver" in the first line? I can't help but wonder if I'm missing something here that might add to the meaning of the piece (or if it was unintentional) - either way, I thought I'd point it out. :)

Overall, this was a fun poem! I like how you created a more abstract and original piece about a common subject. I also enjoyed the length; sometimes shorter is better, and I think in this instance the length helped emphasize your message without overdoing it - your language use is effective!

Hopefully this review was helpful! I hope to see more of your work in the future. :]

- figmoon




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Sun Jul 10, 2022 9:57 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Ah yes we all have very different treasures.Some like materials.Others like the heart.It all depends on the person.I agree that there is no greater treasure than love.The key to one’s heart is just waiting underneath a rock for someone to use it.Who will use the key of love to unlock a closed and darkened heart? That is the question.I hope that you have an amazing day and night.





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