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Writers block Piece?? I have no title :')

by imahni


It had been quite stupid to run in the gardens at such an ungodly hour of the night. Of course, Myria knew this but the thrill of being free and loose of her royal tethers pushed her to the edge of her encrusted windowsill. It was nearly three am, all bustling of trades and horses had died down long ago, and here she was breaking the rules once again.

At night the many flowers and purposely altered bushes looked different. Sinister. The thought of a feral ghost jumping out sent shudders through her bones and still, she pressed on past thickets of gangly limbed trees all to arrive at that place. It was a beautiful pond, highlighted by the moon's shadow.

Frogs croaked, fireflies floated about and though her bare feet stung with cuts she felt relieved. A second more and Myria had finally made her way to the edge of the glowing water. Her reflection stared back at her and then all at once vanished. Myria jumped back in surprise, eyes darting across the wide lake as if she could see its horizons.

“Perhaps I should go in now..”

“Perhaps you should.” A wide-mouthed creature slinked forward from the surrounding forest. Myria backed away and only when it came fully into the light did she realize it was a human. A tall, slim, unsightly, wretched… human. “Though I would not mind the company” Their words rolled off like poison as the wind carried the voice to Myria’s ears.

“What-” She choked,” What happened to you..?” The human’s smile seemed to grow ever wider and they continued stalking forward. “What do you think my dear? What do you think happened to me?” A rhetorical question. Myria knew it was foolish but still, her own curiosity and pleasure for danger outlawed all else. “You are sick. An outcast.”

The human seemed to be amused by the answer. They were neither offended nor happily enthusiastic. “Perhaps..” The s sounded thick and nasty. “I should show you.” Myria backed further away when the human began growing close. Suddenly her eyes could no longer see- only darkness. “Watch me!” Said the voice and she did. With her eyes black and unseeing she stared into the depths. “Watch me!” It repeated, this time louder.

“My dear sweet little daughter.” A dimmed light came into view and Myria’s eyes dilated. “Have you forgotten your mothers face?”


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Sun Aug 07, 2022 10:58 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Wow! I didn’t expect that twist! What ever happened to Myria’s dear mother? I believe the title should be “Familiar Faces” because one would know who their mother is, but Myria didn’t.It would be ironic and sad.Did her father banish her mother into the woods? Because his heart grew as cold as stone? Or is it for a different reason? I hope that you will have a fantastic and amazing day and night.




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Fri Jul 22, 2022 1:19 am
PaigeFantasy wrote a review...



hi, i definitely like this piece! i feel like it shows the eeriness of the night, monsters lurking then and there. it reminds me of nyctophobia, in a way.
the descriptions really show the beauty of the darkness, though. beautiful job with those. :)
the creature terrifies me, but the ending shocked me. her mother? what happened to her to make her like this?
good job with this FANTASTIC piece. :)




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Thu Jul 07, 2022 8:40 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi there imanhi! Icy here with a quick review for you on this fine Thursday morning (or here it is, anyway).

I really enjoyed this short piece. The character of Myria was very easy to read and I thought you did a good job of fleshing her out even over such a short amount of time. The first two sentences immediately give us a sense of who she is and her rebellious nature and I find that draws me to her right from the start.

The switch in tone was a little jarring for me between the first and second paragraph. In the first she seems very carefree and we get the impression she's either out to cause mischief or simply to see the city (in a kind of princess Jasmine from Aladdin kind of way). The switch to the darker imagery and uses of words like 'sinister' was quite a change. I would prefer to have a more seamless transition into the dark and creepy, or maybe hinting at it in the first paragraph too?

Having said that, I think the spooky imagery is very well done. You've got lots of really beautiful description. I particularly liked this line:

Frogs croaked, fireflies floated about and though her bare feet stung with cuts she felt relieved.


I loved the twist at the end that the human turned out to be her mother! I think the pacing was a little fast though (something more difficult when you're only writing a short piece) and I would like to see more of a build up within Myria and her mother's interaction. As is, it feels a bit rushed. It's also sometimes hard to work out who is speaking - remember to start a new paragraph each time someone different speaks!

Overall I enjoyed this and I'd love to see Myria's character appear in other pieces in the future. She seems fun to write, and is certainly fun to read!

Hope this was helpful.

Icy




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Fri Jul 01, 2022 3:42 am
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JamesPeterson wrote a review...



Hey imahni, i really enjoyed your short here :D
I haven't done reviews in a while, so of course feel free to pick and choose the helpful advice amongst the unnecessary things. (I can be a little nitpicky)

Alright, so first off, I liked the way you start it off,

It had been quite stupid to run in the gardens at such an ungodly hour of the night.
showing us how Myria is a little daring or perhaps just stubborn. It also gives us a great idea of the setting right off.
Nit picking, but there's a few places throughout the story that could use some commas or cutoffs so they don't turn into run-on sentences, and to increase the readability. For example:
Frogs croaked, fireflies floated about*,* and (al)though her bare feet stung with cuts*,* she felt relieved.

But that's not a huge issue.

Of course, Myria knew this but the thrill of being free and loose of her royal tethers pushed her to the edge of her encrusted windowsill. It was nearly three am, all bustling of trades and horses had died down long ago, and here she was breaking the rules once again.


Perhaps, for sake of flow, you could change some things a little bit, like this:
"the thrill of freedom from her royal tethers pushed her..." and "There was not a sound throughout the city, all bustling of trades and horses had died down hours earlier, but here she was, breaking numerous rules once again"
This is not a direct suggestion of change, but just showing how you could modify your prose a little bit here to give the reader a clearer and more immersive story. :)

At night the many flowers and purposely altered bushes looked different. Sinister. The thought of a feral ghost jumping out sent shudders through her bones and still, she pressed on past thickets of gangly limbed trees all to arrive at that place. It was a beautiful pond, highlighted by the moon's shadow.

First, another comma after 'At night'. Then instead of "purposely altered" try something like "cultivated", or "tended". This makes it feel less... janky.
After that, perhaps "Sinister" could be "looked different...Even sinister." This modification shows what sinister is applying to more clearly and such.
Try something such as "through her bones and yet, she pressed on past thickets of menacing trees, and twisted underbrush all to arrive at that place." This gives more of an idea of the setting and what Myria is passing that is definitely creepy in the nighttime. It gives a larger sence of journey with an addition of something else, if any of that makes sense.
Finally, do you mean moonlight by "moon's shadow"? I am unsure what you're trying to convey, but otherwise I have liked a lot of the word choices so far :D

Frogs croaked, fireflies floated about and though her bare feet stung with cuts she felt relieved. A second more and Myria had finally made her way to the edge of the glowing water. Her reflection stared back at her and then all at once vanished. Myria jumped back in surprise, eyes darting across the wide lake as if she could see its horizons.

“Perhaps I should go in now..”


Nitpick: "fireflies floated about*,* and *al*though her... cuts*,* she felt relieved"
I like "glowing water" it gives a nice ambience.
"Her reflection stared back at her*,* but then vanished all at once." (Better flow)
I'm not sure what you mean by "horizons", but I could've just misread. :P
Lastly, "...go in now," *Myria murmured to herself* or something like that to show the reader exactly who is talking, since there isn't anyone around anyway.

“Perhaps you should.” A wide-mouthed creature slinked forward from the surrounding forest. Myria backed away and only when it came fully into the light did she realize it was a human. A tall, slim, unsightly, wretched… human. “Though I would not mind the company” Their words rolled off like poison as the wind carried the voice to Myria’s ears.

“What-” She choked,” What happened to you..?” The human’s smile seemed to grow ever wider and they continued stalking forward. “What do you think my dear? What do you think happened to me?” A rhetorical question. Myria knew it was foolish but still, her own curiosity and pleasure for danger outlawed all else. “You are sick. An outcast.”


""...company," their words dripped with poison as the wind brought them to Myria's ears." Or something a tad less chunky(?).
I like the eerie feeling you're conveying from this unknown person. I do htink that you call it 'the human' a few too many times, so maybe find some other things to call it so it doesn't feel repetitive, but that's just me.
The way it seems like this is a predator toying with its prey gives it a sense of creepiness that i find engaging, so good job :)
Maybe instead of something like "...pleasure for danger outlawed all else" go for something a little less wordy, perhaps something similar to "curiosity and daring pulled her onward"
And try to make some of the dialogue a little more alive.
"You are sick. An outcast" This doesn't give the reader an idea of how Myria is feeling, or how she is responding. It feels like she is just robotically saying something in a way.
"You're...sick. Diseased. An outcast." Just a little bit, but this kind of shows that Myria is puzzling over what this thing is, and working through it.

The human seemed to be amused by the answer. They were neither offended nor happily enthusiastic. “Perhaps..” The s sounded thick and nasty. “I should show you.” Myria backed further away when the human began growing close. Suddenly her eyes could no longer see- only darkness. “Watch me!” Said the voice and she did. With her eyes black and unseeing she stared into the depths. “Watch me!” It repeated, this time louder.

“My dear sweet little daughter.” A dimmed light came into view and Myria’s eyes dilated. “Have you forgotten your mothers face?”


In the first line there, you want to try and make it more alive again, where it's not exposition of how the person is feeling, but how Myria is picking up that information. Show, don't tell. I do like how you have the personality of this sick human, it is quite intriguing.
Try "Their 'S' was a dark, grotesque sound" or something similar. Thick is good, but nasty feels a little strange when applied here.
"Suddenly her eyes could no longer see, there was only darkness" using "-only darkness" feels abrupt or janky.
And finally wow! :O Loved the ending there.

All in all, I thought this was a good piece, and I would love to see more of this character and her sick mother :D
Keep up the good work, and of course, disregard anything I've said that is not helpful!
(I'm sorry it was so long)
~James





It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore