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carousel

by Queenie


up and down and spinning out of control

chipped horse trembling to a somber tone

my fingers grasping the carousel pole

~

missing the sparkle in my eye you stole

cold blissless tears streaking down my cheekbone

up and down and spinning out of control

~

your ghost, multiplying, haunting my soul

fifty horses acting as your cruel clone

my fingers grasping the carousel pole

~

dreaming of sewing my broken heart whole

but you stole the thread and left all alone

up and down and spinning out of control

~

agnoy, was that truly your grand goal?

smothering me with your pungent cologne

my fingers grasping the carousel pole

~

our romance ever laced with a deadly toll

poisoning all love i thought i had known

up and down and spinning out of control

my fingers grasping the carousel pole


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Tue Jul 19, 2022 1:42 am
lliyah says...



The theme combination of the horror / dread versus the carousel imagery is just great - I also love reading villanelles, they're so fun to write!

Thank you for sharing, I think this turned out really well. :)




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Mon Jul 04, 2022 10:10 pm
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Seirre wrote a review...



Hi queenie! I absolutely love villanelles, and I've been eyeing your poem for a while, so I thought I'd drop off a quick review for you c:

One thing that often applies to villanelles - though not necessarily, it's up to the poet, of course - is that they'll be written in iambic pentameter (with ten syllables a line). I believe you do follow the ten syllable rule, but your meter is definitely a bit more all over the place. I actually quite like how there's some slightly more jolting bits in the flow/meter of the poem, though, because it really matches up with the idea of spinning out of control on a carousel horse.

To go along with that, though, I think it could be interesting to add in some more jarring punctuation as well - right now you've just got a couple of commas (which is definitely a valid stylistic choice), and I see you've avoided any full stops or periods. Instead, you're relying predominantly on line breaks to convey pauses and thought changes. Which is working quite well; the poem is very clear and easy to follow. I would be interested to see, though, what would happen if you added in some dashes - and colons: and periods. to break up the flow and add some more to the ~uncomfortable jolting vibe~. If you experiment with it and decide it just makes the poem feel gimmicky, then you can definitely discard the idea!

I just have to say kudos for you for actually incorporating all the repeated lines so flawlessly into each stanza without things getting stale! That is such a difficult part of writing a villanelle and you made it look easy. In this poem especially, the repetition creates this kind of insistent, mosquito-drone-anxious feeling that I think suits the poem quite well. And the way it ends with "up and down and spinning out of control / my fingers grasping the carousel pole" ties the whole thing together quite cohesively, I feel.

In terms of imagery ~ I think you certainly have some compelling images in here, but I wish you included a few more senses other than just sight and a bit of scent. You get close to using taste when you talk about "poisoning all love", but even there I think you could dig into that sense a lot more. By engaging all the users senses, you can make the poem more engaging as a whole a more evocative. I think texture, taste, and maybe some more scent as well would add a lot to the poem! (While we're on the topic of imagery, though, i do admire how you used a lot of diverse images - sewing, armies of clones, etc., while all tying it back very tidily to the theme of carousel rides.)

Overall, this was a very enjoyable villanelle! I hope this review proves useful for you, and if you have any questions/want me to elaborate on anything, just let me know ^-^

Keep writing!
Seirre




Queenie says...


Thanks for the review!



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Fri Jun 24, 2022 7:05 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Oooh..This was so full of the love and carnival magic! A carousel of toxic love.A tide of saccharine sweetness.An overdose of chocolate hearts.The hearts don’t even taste sweet anymore.They’re just pain in pink wrappers.I’m just saying that this was absolutely exquisite to read.I loved this a lot.I’ll be sure to read more of your poems.I hope that you have a beautiful day/night.




Queenie says...


Thanks for the review!



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Fri Jun 24, 2022 6:52 pm
Sunflowerdemon3712 wrote a review...



Sunflower here for a quick review!

So I liked this poem quite a bit more than I had expected. I liked the flow of the poem it felt very natural, if that makes any sense. My only nit pick (well it's not exactly a nit pick it's just something I noticed) I've realized that the writing towards the end of the poem had gotten much stronger than the beginning of the poem. Now I'm not sure if this was intentional and if it was honestly I think that would actually be pretty cool showing the gradual progression of the poem and it almost getting more intense! Honestly I think that would be a very interesting writing decision and I think it would kind of fit with like the message the poem was going for!
Other than that I don't have much to say other than I really enjoyed this poem and I found it very enjoyable. I don't usually review poems but I did find your's to be something I liked so yeah! Anyway I ope you have a fantastic day/night, bye!

-Sunflower




Queenie says...


Thanks for the review!




"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind