Young Writers Society

Hey! Here with some promised comments ~

There's something very nice I think about how you did the rhyme in this, and I also enjoy in the second half how you let us have a little more insight into South African culture with some of the more traditional terms, your explanation also was great for those to give extra context.

I'm feeling a little bit of a disconnect between the pain in the first stanza vs the party scene in the 2nd stanza and then not quite knowing where the final line comes in, I think you could connect these a tad more -you've got a great start, some great imagery elements, now just pulling the whole narrative together would bring the poem to the next level.

Another small critique - it felt a little bit repetitive to have the word "hope" twice in a row in the final two lines. Just like it's awkward when "that that" gets put together in a sentence, even if necessary for the structure, it creates a feeling of redundancy or confusion. I'd try to see if you can switch up one of those last two lines a bit so that "hope" isn't right next to "hope" when it's read aloud - those little sound things might not make much of a difference in prose, but for poetry stand out a little more I think.

The phrase "will you take me back to sundown shine" doesn't at first read as "grammatically correct" but I actually really like that phrase, it feels playful and persistent and also gives more of a sense of the speaker I think.

Good use of sound devices in a few places here like "braai / bright" and "sizzling, fire[b]s[/s] shine [b]s[/s]o bright" etc.

Thanks for sharing, looking forward to reading more of your poetry! <3

alliyah

Heyyy,
Rubes here with a review! I really enjoyed the piece and think it was extremely well written. In my reviews I like to pick a few quotes and analyse them, so that you can see an interpretation and compare it to the purpose that you wrote it for (if that makes sense). I feel like this helps the writers to see mistakes in their techniques and change it to be more suitable for them and the poem/novel/chapter etc.
Anyways, let’s get into it!

It’s not falling if I’ve already hit the dirt

Will you take me back to sundown shine
Prop our drinks upon the braai
Sizzling fires shine so bright

Hi Moonglade! You've got so much beautiful imagery in this poem, gosh. I'm noticing some more metaphorical images than in your last poem I read - "the taste of my blood is so metallic in the breeze", "shattered starlight sprinkles through my eyes" - and I really love that! I think it helps to make the poem feel vivid and engaging to the reader. The shorter length, too, makes it quite snappy. And so many sounds devices/sound words, as well: there are some subtle slant rhymes with "first / dirt", "afraid / said", and a lot of really lovely repeated vowel sounds as well. I think this would sound really lovely if read aloud! If you ever decide to record yourself performing it, let me know; I'd love to hear that. I'd be interested to hear exactly what tone of voice you'd use, as well - whether you choose desperation, or resentment, or heartbreak, or surrender, would change the mood quite a bit. Thanks for sharing the poem! I really enjoyed it.

Hey friend, Morri here for a review!

Congrats on making it to the front page. I'm an old lady, just visiting some old internet haunts; since your poem is on the front page, it caught my eye and my interest.

I really like your use of imagery throughout the poem. You keep the reader's interest by allowing us to see through the narrator's eyes. You start the images in the first line with "cry," and it continues until the second to last line of the poem. Which brings me to my first piece of criticism— The last line of the poem drags the whole thing down. You already make explicit in the poem that this love is doomed, and the last line is a nail in the coffin. The problem here is that we want to see the wreckage of this love, or at least assume that it's there as opposed to you, the poet, telling us that there's a shipwreck. Trust your reader! You could take out that last line and the poem would survive. It could survive better with a few tweaks, but that last line left a sour taste in my mouth because it's too explicit— you're TELLING the reader what's going on instead of SHOWING, which is what you've been doing successfully for the rest of the piece.

Incorporate that last line with the previous line. Lean in close and hope. That's all you need to say— though I would suggest bringing the tone of the first stanza into the second. You have this lovely "on the edge" feeling to the first stanza, but it quickly fades to pure love poem in the second. Keep the tone going! If you don't want to rewrite too much in the second stanza, maybe try rearranging where the lines go? You can change up the rhyme scheme and it would still work. Instead of an AABBCCDD type of rhyme scheme, why not ABAB or even ACABDCDB or something like that? Experiment with moving your lines around.

The last (but not least) item that I will offer advice for on your poem is that your poem is wordy. While you have a good meter, your poem is filled with "so" and "maybe" and words that weaken your message.

But for now the taste of my blood is so metallic in the breeze

Hey! I don't even know if I have any legitimate critiques, so this review is going to be mostly me gushing about how talented you are! I don't know if it's because I don't read too much poetry or if it's because I royally suck when it comes to writing it, but you have such a way with words and write it so beautifully! Every thought is deep and touching, and none of the sentences are irrelevant. The last line obviously hits very hard, but you have so many other amazing lines too! I'm particularly fond of the line "Shattered starlight sprinkles through my eyes," which just sounds so lovely but almost bittersweet. In my opinion, it takes an intelligent and wise mind to write a poem so sweet, and I think you should definitely write much more so you can share your talent and make something out of it. I hope you have an awesome day/night/whatever, and keep being fantastic!

Whatever happened to their love? What tragic twist crept towards them? How could this be? That is for us readers to interpret.I think that this makes sense.It’s about wanting to do something for your love.It’s so powerful that it almost consumes.You can’t stop dreaming about this love.It is everywhere.All around.In the air.I hope that you have a nice day/night.