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All Our Yesterdays 1.2

by Elinor


As it turned out, my sister and I would have trouble flagging down a cab. It was 6:54 and we’d been standing outside for nearly ten minutes. We were both starting to get anxious and trying not to show it. We had gone back and forth for a while about trying to go to a less crowded street, but it would be harder to catch a cab. Neither of us knew the subway well enough to figure out where we needed to go, and while we could have walked, it was almost two miles and neither of us were dressed the most appropriately for that.

I had just been about to suggest we start walking in the direction we needed to go when I saw Cole leave the restaurant, carrying his guitar case. He caught eyes with me almost immediately, waved to the man, and started walking in my direction.

Before I could think about what to do, soon he was standing in front of me and we were having a conversation.

“Hi,” he said. “I saw you inside.”

“Hi,” I replied. “I saw you play.”

“Hope I wasn’t too awful,” he said, laughing shyly.

I noticed Eileen standing a few paces from us, but as far as he was concerned, she wasn’t there. “No, not at all.”

“I’m Cole Hargrove,” he said.

“Marcy Lewis.”

“Marcy, is that short for something?”

I bit my lip. I hated my full name. “Marceline.”

“You know,” he said, “I think you’re the first Marceline I’ve ever met.”

“That’s because it’s not a real name,” I said with a nervous laugh. “Anyway, yeah, great performance. You want to be a musician?”

Cole sighed deeply. “Want to? That's all I want.” There was a moment of awkward silence, because I wasn’t sure what to say. “Anyway, you live around here?”

“No, I live in Minnesota. Just visiting for the week with my sister and my mom.” I gestured to Eileen, watching us.

“Minnesota, wow. I’ve never been out that way.”

“You’re not missing much.”

That was when Eileen stepped in our direction. “Hey Marce, I hate to break up the party but we’re going to be late.”

I almost thought I saw Cole blushing. “Oh, if you’ve got plans, then I won’t keep you.”

“Yeah, we’re going to go see a Broadway show,” I said. “Death of a Salesman. Just trying to catch a cab, actually.”

“Wow, I think I read that in school,” Cole remarked. “I didn’t know it was being performed. Well, have fun.”

“Thanks.” I smiled at him, again expecting that to be the end of things. I’d just turned my back when I heard his voice.

“Hey, wait.”

I turned.

“You got a number?”

I took a deep breath. My mind was racing with a million thoughts at once, and I wasn’t sure what to say.

“You know, if I’m ever in Minnesota.”

I still didn’t speak. Then, Eileen took a notepad out of her bag, wrote something down, and handed it to Cole. “This is our hotel number. We’re here until Wednesday. I’m sure Marce would love to see you again.”

Then Cole turned to me. “If that’s okay with you. I mean, I obviously understand if you don’t want to.”

“No,” I finally said. “You can call me.”

“Okay.” Then, he waved, and after a moment, walked off.

I turned to my sister, flabbergasted at what she’d just done. “You’re welcome,” Eileen said with a wry smile.

“What do you mean, you’re welcome?” I exclaimed. Even if he was cute, he clearly lived in New York and we lived halfway across the country. It wasn’t like anything could happen.

“I saw the way he was looking at you during his set. Come on, sis. Live a little.”

I said nothing. Just then, I noticed a cab. I took the opportunity and flagged him down. Miraculously, he stopped. I checked my watch again. It was 7:02. We would make it to the show on time. 


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Tue Jun 21, 2022 3:54 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Elinor,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Sorry it took me so long to get back here. :D But now I'm here and I'm about to start.

What struck me positively was the increased use of direct speech, which felt good here after we focused more on having an idea and getting to know the characters in the first part. Here you realise that you are already prepared as a reader, and can also mentally engage with Marcy to understand how the dialogue is directed. I especially liked how Cole and Marcy greeted each other. It was short and crisp and didn't give that sluggishness that you sometimes get with greetings. It also gives the characters charm.

Looking at this part, I found it a bit short and can understand that the time has to fall a bit shorter also because of the progression of the plot. It builds on giving the reader a brief insight, like a taster course, which doesn't have to please everyone, but visibly builds on piquing curiosity in the reader and seeing what happens next.

In general, and here I'll sum up again for 1.1 and 1.2, I found it a good introduction for the reader. You give the key facts and build on them to reframe something familiar and thus create an incentive. I found the first part more memorable, especially with the introduction of Marcy and her sister, while the second part clearly moves in a different direction, where the focus is on "getting there" first and not just presenting the theory for the story.

As it turned out, my sister and I would have trouble flagging down a cab. It was 6:54 and we’d been standing outside for nearly ten minutes. We were both starting to get anxious and trying not to show it. We had gone back and forth for a while about trying to go to a less crowded street, but it would be harder to catch a cab. Neither of us knew the subway well enough to figure out where we needed to go, and while we could have walked, it was almost two miles and neither of us were dressed the most appropriately for that.


I wouldn't consider this a criticism, as I suppose in the full story 1.1 and 1.2 are a whole chapter and you read through it, but here I found it a bit too rushed and hastily written. You can interpret some of Marcy's character as being excited / nervous at the moment, but it shows too clearly in your sentence structure here and I found the first section a bit tiring to read because I wanted to jump straight into the story.

Eileen said with a wry smile.

Tiny typo here. :D

In summary, I found it an interesting conclusion, especially because the dialogue between Cole and Marcy was so short that you almost want to read on to see what else is in store for both of them.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Tue May 24, 2022 3:00 am
Coffeeboyjay wrote a review...



Hi there Elinor

1. What did I like the most in the story Elinor is that in the story it's saying As it turned out, my sister and I would have trouble flagging down a cab. It was 6:54 and we’d been standing outside for nearly ten minutes. We were both starting to get anxious and trying not to show it. We had gone back and forth for a while about trying to go to a less crowded street, but it would be harder to catch a cab. Neither of us knew the subway well enough to figure out where we needed to go, and while we could have walked, it was almost two miles and neither of us were dressed the most appropriately for that.

I had just been about to suggest we start walking in the direction we needed to go when I saw Cole leave the restaurant, carrying his guitar case. He caught eyes with me almost immediately, waved to the man, and started walking in my direction. It seems that Cole might be a famous actress because going to school and graduating and all of that for a career shoot Cole is still the actress in this chapter while i was reading chapter one I even knew that for a fact

2. What do I think needs to be improved Elinor is that in the story even through come up with something interesting in the chapter that we won't know on what will we think it's going to happen in the story

Have fun writing!

Jay"





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