Hi VengefulReaper! I’ve been reading chapters of your novel and decided to give this one a review.
My first impressions are that this chapter is a bit more laid back than the previous ones. The characters are getting some room to breathe and show their personalities, since there are no big plot reveals being made here. I kind of feel that I liked the more serious depictions better than the humour? That could just be me, though, because there’s definitely some stuff to enjoy in this chapter as well, which I’ll get to in a bit.
Characterisation
I find your characters to be likeable and sympathetic. Ethan is an interesting protagonist. I like that he has a medical background but isn’t sort of confined to being ‘the doctor’ trope like such characters tend to be in media. His motivation is easily understandable, and I’m interested to see how else it impacts his character. For instance, how it might relate to his fear of dirt and disease, since his mother was killed by a bioweapon. (Though thinking those two things might be related is just speculation on my part.)
Aside from that, public eating areas made his skin crawl with how dirty every table would be.
I like this continuity from the previous chapter. Ethan’s apartment seemed neat and tidy, so
the person who lives there would of course prefer everywhere to be neat and tidy as well.
Believability and Continuity
“Thank you for responding. That is the first time anyone has responded to that question in 25 years. But that’s okay since I can’t commit suicide even if I want to,” she responded in an overly joyous voice that did not match the tone of her words at all.
This is a pretty big mood whiplash, or a sudden switch in the atmosphere of this story. Previously the humour in the story was pretty mild, like Amber joking about diarrhoea. It certainly caught me off-guard.
“Well, I programmed her to be really nice and helpful. But being an A.I. she developed her own personality. Every day she sounds more and more like my wife when she’s pissed,” Breach said as a peculiar expression that screamed trauma washed over his face for a brief second.
My first reaction was: ‘Well, that’s very messed up. I’m not very sure I like this exo suit. And I think Breach needs therapy and possibly a divorce.’ “trauma” is a pretty heavy word, so I was confused why Ethan didn’t seem very bothered by the whole thing. The AI’s words themselves seem rather cartoonish or ridiculous, for instance the sudden capitalisation of “UNSTOPPABLE KILLING MACHINE” makes me imagine the audio is glitching out and the volume is just going crazy because of it. It’s also very melodramatic, so she doesn’t come across as a serious threat or anything, but like, it’s also not really a comic moment for me. Then again, I’m not sure if that’s what the scene is supposed to do here. Maybe it’s just to show the technology and its problems.
On another level, I’m not sure how ‘realistic’ you intend the worldbuilding in the story to be. Breach’s dialogue on the “rigid designs” made sense intuitively, even though I have zero experience with the kind of tech he’s talking about. I do have some limited knowledge of AI though, and the question I had was ‘my goodness, how does an AI end up like this?’. When Breach says he “programmed” her, he probably means that he ‘trained’ her on a set of data to make her able to communicate on a human-like level. AI only learn patterns from the data you feed them, and if he’s training her to just operate the exo suit, I think there shouldn’t be anything in his data that talks about “superior intellect” and the driver/pilot’s “below-average training”.
It’s also a bit difficult to imagine for me how an AI learns to talk the way she does if she was trained on “nice and helpful” data, because even when AI deviate from their training, it’s usually not this extreme. I’m thinking that the AI in this story is supposed to be sentient, which would explain why the exo suit AI doesn’t act like AI in our present time. However, if she is a sentient being, then it makes Breach seem kind of messed up for not being more concerned about her well-being if she’s expressing all of these thoughts.
It may be that I'm just overthinking a throwaway scene here, but I thought I'd put this into the review since I think it's of interest to a sci-fi author c:
Plot, Pacing and Setting
Something I liked about this chapter was the development of the setting. I think it’s a good pacing strategy to slow down a little bit at this point and let the reader get used to the Alliance base as the story setting.
There was a mighty buffet at the back of the grand hall where most of the people were gathered. The bulk of the hall was seating and trash cans. Most of the seating was either dark grey or hazel brown which made the seats seem cleaner than they actually were. The tabletops were made from plastic with red tablecloths thrown over them.
I like the description here, as it’s very specific. Red tablecloths kind of remind me of the bright colours of the insignia described in a previous chapter. The colour choice of the seating also seems very practical, which reflects how this is a military base, and explains how a military base might manage to maintain a sleek appearance.
“Uhm… It’s Rider. And I’m from extension 15 in Durban South. Just a few streets down from the station.”
“Oh! You are not far from me then. You come for dinner tomorrow, no?” he offered.
I also like this detail that helps locate the characters in the setting. It adds a nice ‘human’ touch to this more otherworldly science fiction setting where teleportation exists, to show people still have neighbourhoods and hospitality.
Overall
This was an interesting chapter that introduces new characters like Rico and lets us get to know characters like Breach, Ethan and Amber a little better. I like that we get a chance to slow down from the previous chapters and also that there’s a sense of what these people are like outside of the plot-driven elements, which to me is really important in making characters that feel real. Though I had some issues with the AI part, and the mood whiplash thing, I think the setting overall seems pretty fleshed out and immersive, and am looking forward to reading the next chapter.
Hope some of this is helpful and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim
Points: 11910
Reviews: 277
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