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Hayley’s story-Clowns,Magic,Murder and Lies

by vampricone6783


*Hayley is a character from my story “Clowns,magic,murder and lies.” I have Gacha Club designs on my wall and in the actual story.Enjoy!

There was once a young teen named Hayley Blackrose.She was sixteen years old and she was always dreaming of finding fairies and exploring another world,even at the age of sixteen.

She was told that magic wasn't real,but what if it was? After all,there were some things in this world that couldn't be explained by science.

People liked to cover up the fact that some kind of magic existed.

But not Hayley.Hayley knew there was magic in the world,one just had to look hard enough.

Of course,just because she believed magic didn't mean she believed in conspiracy theories.Those were two different topics.

Hayley believed that ghosts and maybe fairies existed,but she didn't believe that monsters existed.No,that was too far-fetched and stupid even for Hayley.

Little did she know that she'd find magic very soon...


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1079 Reviews


Points: 86725
Reviews: 1079

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Tue May 24, 2022 10:30 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey vampricone, another short one here but I'm still working on Spring Cleaning that Green Room so here we go!

Just as a note (and completely your choice) but when you're posting short ones like this and others, you could think about posting them together but with two titles to separate them. That way you'll use less points and the work still won't be super long so it won't be overwhelming to review. Up to you of course, but something to consider!

There was once a young teen named Hayley Blackrose.She was sixteen years old and she was always dreaming of finding fairies and exploring another world,even at the age of sixteen.

Again, you want to put a space after your punctuation. It makes it cleaner and easier to read. So it should be as folllows:
There was once a young teen named Hayley Blackrose. She was sixteen years old and she was always dreaming of finding fairies and exploring another world, even at the age of sixteen.

If you're typing in any word processor it should note this for you and that makes it pretty simple to change.

I think a little more background to Hayley at the beginning of this might do well. I love the idea that she's cynical, but perhaps showing us an interaction between her and someone else where she states that she doesn't believe in conspiracies, or where she says that magic must be real. It would add some depth to her character.

The part about monsters feels a bit strange, especially because you go back to referring to magic in the next paragraph. Is the monsters part relevant? If it is, I would suggest reworking it a bit to make it seem more natural.

Hope this was helpful!

Icy






Ooh thanks!

Putting short stories together would actually be easier for me,I will consider it.



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22 Reviews


Points: 100
Reviews: 22

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Fri May 13, 2022 2:24 pm
Zenith wrote a review...



Hey vampricone6783! Zenith here for a short review.
You have tagged this as a short story, but your work doesn't qualify as a story. It's more like a prologue. Now I'm assuming this is not a stand-alone, but a part of a bigger series. You probably wanted to write a beginning arc to one of your core characters. You started off well by setting up an unique personality trait of Hayley (her strong faith in the existence of magic). But that's about it.
I wish you would have added more to it like glimpses of her interaction with other chars, what her life was like, her interests etc. That would have given us a better sense of who she was as a person before the actual story started. You work feels incomplete even for a prologue. I hope you add more to Hayley and make her the interesting character she has every right to be. I hope my review didn't come off as rude. I only mean the best for your story and chars.
Happy writing :)





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