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Iceflame// Chapter 10: Queen's Feast

by SalisRuinen


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Exo Drazz had always been a timid child.

While he had become a bit more open to communication in his high school years, he could still get a hunch about the people he wasn’t supposed to talk to because they were dangerous.

One such person was Ulura Nightsong.

She was quite tall, with long straight black hair, a fringe combed to the sides, skin a bit lighter than that of Exo himself and poison-green eyes. A year older than the techno-genius, Ulura had already become known as the Queen of Sunbird when he enrolled in the deviant-only academy in Deckstoru. And after his enrollment this young woman had proven over and over that she was the most powerful, most beautiful and most ruthless one among all the students. Hence everyone who valued their lives and had half a brain knew to steer clear of both her and all the students in her class.

The people from Exo’s class were the most reckless, insane or maybe downright stupid people he had met, however, so they engaged in confrontations with Ulura’s class on multiple occasions. Never had there been a clash as big and destructive as the one on the day a girl named Yuki Iceflame joined the techno-genius’ class.

Right now the white-haired beauty was apologizing to Ms. Nightsong as her dreadful gaze pierced the new student.

(Yuki) ‘-I’m terribly sorry about your lunch. I got caught up in the fights and didn’t see you. I’ll get you a new lunch right away. If your uniform got stains on it anywhere, I’ll pay for it. And anything else I can do to make up for …’ (Ulura grabbed her by the throat and lifted her from the floor)

(Ulura) ‘-Are you deaf as well as dumb? You’ll pay for what you did with pain!’

(Yuki) ‘-I think that’s going too far …’

Ulura created a blast of thin green laser beams from the hand she was holding Yuki by the throat with, those lasers cutting the walls, ceiling and floor of the canteen in several places. The students who were within the range of the attack managed to respond fast enough by creating shields with their devas to block it and thus saved themselves.

The lasers’ main target was thrown back a couple of meters and crushed in the floor with more cuts on her uniform and skin, by that time the boys from her class having gathered behind her, each one of them looking angrier than the next. Exo was the last to join the boys’ group while Hikaru helped the amnesiac up.

The techno-genius wasn’t able to fight but he could at least protect his classmates from Ulura’s wrath. If there was anyone who could make him stand up for something, it was the hot heads from his class. And in spite of having just joined them, Yuki was one of those hot heads as well now.

The girls from the class also gathered around the baby doll while Ms. Nightsong’s classmates gathered around her, Drazz looking around and realizing all the fights in the canteen had come to a stop and everyone’s attention had been focused on the two classes.

(Hikaru) ‘-It was an accident, Nightsong. Give it a rest.’

(Ulura) ‘-You her babysitter, Summerbolt? Care to take her punishment? Your valiant stunts won’t work with me, though. It’s her pain I long to see.’

(Seiren) ‘-Bitch, if pain’s what you want …’

Yuki looked at her classmates and then stepped forward, looking serious now.

(Yuki) ‘-You want to fight me for what happened?’

(Ulura) ‘-A fight is an overstatement, but you can call it that if you want.’

(Yuki) ‘-I’m fine with that so long as you don’t hurt anyone from my class.’

(Tokura) ‘-Yuki, you don’t have to do this! We can handle this …’ (King pulled him back, Tokura looking at the giant)

(King) ‘-It’s her choice, Tora. You know everyone’s got to prove their worth in Sunbird.’

(Vega) ‘-They don’t have to prove it by going up against Ulura, though!’

(Yuki) ‘-Just let me deal with this, OK? It’s my fault, anyway, so I’ll take responsibility. Don’t jump in without even knowing how the fight’s going to turn out.’

(Ulura) ‘-Let’s go to the inner yard, then. Best place to fight without holding back.’

Ulura then led the way to the rectangular grass-covered area of Sunbird’s inner yard. It had oak trees with circular benches built around them in its four corners and one bigger and one smaller oak tree in the centre with the biggest bench of all the five in the area around them.

After the students formed something like a circle with a large diameter around the opponents, Ms. Nightsong stepped forward with a mocking smile on her face, Yuki doing the same, but without showing any emotion.

(Yuki) ‘-Are there going to be any rules to this fight?’

(Ulura) ‘-The fight will end when I decide I’ve made you suffer enough.’

(Yuki) ‘-That’s simple enough.’

Cracks appeared on the ground around the baby doll’s feet as she jumped up over ten meters, enveloping her fists in ice and getting ready to hit the ever-so-confident black-haired beauty with them. Many green lasers started to swirl around Ulura’s body a second later and shot at her opponent in a number of fast long-range high-precision attacks while Yuki was still in the air.

The newest member of Exo’s class immediately switched to defense, covering her entire body in ice, managing to dodge a few of the lasers before being fully armored by her deva. When she landed back on the ground, many more lasers were sent to Yuki, but these were in the shape of concentrated bullet-like shapes, the white-haired beauty realizing with shock that her ice armor couldn’t fully stop them. That shock provided an opening for Sunbird’s queen to teleport right in front of her through a single green laser beam.

Right after coming out of that laser beam, Ulura split her body in a number of lasers that cut and pierced her opponent’s ice armor with high speed, leading to its total destruction soon enough. This attack had caused damage to the body under the armor as well, the amnesiac’s school uniform being all but destroyed. After the lasers disappeared, she fell to her knees, left only in her underwear and with a number of cuts on her skin. Ms. Nightsong quickly returned to her normal form behind Exo’s classmate when that happened and grabbed her by the head before she could fall on the ground.

(Ulura) ‘-The smaller the shape used for an attack, the more concentrated amount of the deva it will carry. That’s why laser bullets can get through your armor better than laser beams. You don’t even know that and agreed to face me? (Ulura now channeled tens of green lasers from her arm to the palm of her hand so she could run them through Yuki’s head) Maybe I went overboard right from the start. (the high-school tyrant sighed) Oh, well. I guess my feast won’t last as long as I thought.’

A crack of thunder echoed through the inner yard as Hikaru appeared in front of Ulura, having grabbed Yuki’s shoulder to pull her away from the attack. Seiren had followed suit, coming out of a burst of bright red fireworks behind Ms. Nightsong and grabbing the wrist of the hand she was planning to use to hurt the duo’s friend even more.

(Hikaru) ‘-The fight’s over. You won.’

(Seiren) ‘-Now let her go and end this, so everyone can go back to class.’

Ulura’s irises turned to a brighter hue of green as her rage was unleashed upon the rivals with a 360-degree barrage of laser beams and bullets, the two cloaking themselves in their devas to defend against that attack.

(Ulura) ‘-My victory against her was assured from the start, you insects! I didn’t come here just to defeat her, but to enjoy her pain!! And since I haven’t had enough of that, I might as well make you two suffer some as well!!!’

A chill was felt in the air as a hand grabbed Seiren’s hand that was holding Ulura by the wrist, starting to cover his skin in ice. Yuki was the one who had done that, Blackscale looking at her dead serious face now.

(Yuki) ‘-Step back. I’ve got this.’

Seeing the white-haired beauty’s response, Hikaru and Seiren both smiled.

(Hikaru) ‘-I was just thinking you went down too easy.’

(Seiren) ‘-If you don’t want us to step in again, kick this bitch’s ass, girl.’

The rivals teleported back to their classmates while Yuki got back on her feet, Ulura looking rather irritated now.

(Ulura) ‘-I didn’t hold back with that last attack. You shouldn’t be able to move freely.’

A decisive smile appeared on the baby doll’s face then as she took her battle stance and started covering her body in ice again.

(Yuki) ‘-I’m not your ordinary deviant.’

(Ulura) ‘-Your ice armor again? That’s not going to work against me.’

(Yuki) ‘-If you’re so sure, go ahead and finish me already.’

The mocking smile returned to the black-haired beauty’s face as she puffed out her cheeks. A wave of laser beams and bullets greater than the one she had unleashed against Hikaru and Seiren was launched from her mouth as a result. The difference was this time the roar-type attack was focused on Ms. Iceflame rather than going for a 360-degree range.

Ice walls formed around Exo’s newest classmate as the beams and bullets reached her, icy spikes coming out in rows from the ground between her and Ms. Nightsong, eventually reaching Sunbird’s queen.

She was fast enough to make pillars of wide laser beams come out of the ground around her to destroy the spikes, as one of those spikes broke into pieces, Yuki coming out of it and landing a solid hit on Ulura’s face.

(Yuki) ‘-You should’ve walked away after the first round, Nightsong!! I didn’t have much of an incentive to fight you before, but after you attacked Hikaru and Seiren, things got personal!’


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Tue May 24, 2022 1:55 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ok this chapter was quite short and that probably means my review will be pretty short too as I don't have a huge amount to comment on.

I like that we have a new POV again, it seems you're keeping up with that style so can probably disregard my comment from a few chapters ago.

The whole fight between Ulura and Yuki in this chapter seems a bit forced. I like that we have had a chance to see Yuki's powers and how she defeats Ulura but the reason for the fight felt a bit weak. I almost think it would feel more realistic if Ulura was about to let it go and then someone shouted that she was a coward and that made her motivated to fight.

Alternatively, in the initial backstory about her maybe make it clear that she likes to go outside and fight over everything. Then it would make sense for her to instigate a more 'formal' fight over something so small.

Also... WHERE ON EARTH ARE THE TEACHERS? There's just been two fights and not a teacher to be seen, what?

Icy




SalisRuinen says...


Thank you for the review!
As tacky as it sounds, all the questions you have will be answered in the following chapters, so I'll leave it at that.



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Tue Mar 22, 2022 8:14 am
VengefulReaper wrote a review...



Hey, just here to leave a quick review.

This certainly was an action packed chapter. It's a rule of thumb in writing that if you want the reader's to hate a character, make them an arrogant prick lol. So I officially hate Ulura but I hope she gets some development after her humbling defeat here.

I do like how the fight wasn't aggravated by Yuki but rather by Ulura and that Seiren and Hikaru stayed out of it. It can get annoying when side characters steal the spotlight of our MC due to them being 'overprotective' and stunting their growth. Good to see you've avoided that.

A word of advice when it comes to your action sequences. Try to describe the deva's before the fight so you don't need to explain as you go along. Dragging out sentences in an action sequence can slow down the tempo and make the reader skip the paragraph instead of immersing themselves in the action. Short simple sentences interrupted by breaks in the action (if Yuki was knocked down for example, it's a break in action) using longer descriptive sentences make for some more engaging action. The content is great and the concept is great. It just requires some editing here and there.

A great character moment for Yuki showcasing that she doesn't have the hot-hotheadedness of Hikaru but knows when to stand up for herself. As cool as Ulura's deva is, Hikaru still takes the spot for cool entrances and action scenes lol.

A final note would be to vary some of your word uses. Particularly in this chapter was the world smile. Try to use different words like smirk or grin. smirk automatically gives off a mocking connotation so you could replace that for 'mocking smile' just to add some variety.

As always, hope this review helped, take what you think is useful and keep writing!
The Reaper sends his regards...




SalisRuinen says...


Thanks for the review!!
About the description of the characters' abilities and techniques during the battle, this is a trope very often used in manga/anime (the medium I'm hoping my story will extend to some day). The principle is to first show and then tell %u2013 like a character making a move and then an explanation being given as to its mechanics. Such sentences are also a part of characters' thought process during battles as they analyze their opponent and think of ways to counter them. Discovering the kind of techniques the enemy uses and how they fight overall can also offer insight about their personality in certain cases. So describing the characters' fighting style before seeing it in battle would sort of defeat the whole purpose of having a battle, because the battle's essence is displaying one's abilities against someone else. I'm not sure there's much I can do to change that, but I'll see what I can do.
Your comment about word usage is right on point. I should watch out more for things like that in the future. This is just another reminder I need to expand my vocabulary further, so thank you very much for that!



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Sun Mar 20, 2022 5:41 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

I liked how this chapter managed to create that feeling of fighting and overwhelming but yet it seemed to be normal. At first I thought it was going to be about the timidness of Exo but seems like it was rather based upon the fight.

Well, I was kind of expecting this. The cliffhanger at the end of the last chapter did guarantee some actions in this chapter and we got to see it. There is one thing which I would like to tell now.

We are already in chapter 10 and yet if you see closely, nothing really happened. In all these chapters, I guess we had a lot of focus on the world building and characters but I really wonder about the plot. To summarise, Yuki was introduced, then that police incident, then Yuki getting a place in Summer bolt's house, and then this school. We are still unaware of the main focus of the story. Like you see,the main focus can always be subjected to changes but I think that it is high time to establish a focus, a goal for the characters.

Then Exo's POV. This chapter was really a good chance to focus more on Exo's character when you actually started with his POV. I am not sure from whose POV we saw the last part or let's say the fight. I do think that if we saw it from Exo's POV, you have whole lot of opportunities to explore his character. Include teeny tiny bits of his nervousness and possibly panic. That will help a lot to flesh out his character.

Anyway, next to Ulura. I really feel bad for Ulura. She literally lost her place in one single day. I don't think she even thought it in her dream to lose her glory just for a new comer. From now on, I guess there can be some enmity between Ulura and Iceflame. Or maybe Ulura might even be jealous of Iceflame and try to undermine her in all sorts of places. however, I ardently hope that is not going to happen. I really liked how Ice tried to solve the problem through negotiation but Ulura escalated the thing which actually resulted in her being kind of defeated. Overall, I enjoyed reading the chapter.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




SalisRuinen says...


Thank you for the review!
About the focus of the story, it's mainly Yuki's tale, showing how from someone who has nothing she becomes a person with more and more things she cares about and wants to protect, all the while a great threat looming on the horizon. When that threat reveals itself, the time comes for Yuki and her family to fight in everything they have to protect what matters most in a conflict that will change the fate of not only the whole country, but that of the world.
First, she developed a bond with Hikaru and Seiren, facing off against Lieutenant Grak to protect them, then she bonded with the rest of the Summerbolt family by fighting the ordinari protesters at the precinct. Now she's starting to develop a bond with her class and had chosen to stand up for them against the strongest female deviant in the school. I hope you can see the pattern here - the more people she bonds with, the greater the threat she faces. And this is a trend that will continue for the remainder of the story as well. Maybe the problem is I haven't put the goal for the character into words but am letting her actions speak for themselves and that makes it harder to understand.
You made a very good point about showing more of Exo's emotions, so thank you for that! It was my idea to shift the focus between different characters to show how they each experience different things, but I guess I missed the opportunity I had created for myself here. I'll be sure to rectify that in the future.
Important note about Ulura - Yuki hasn't defeated her. She simply succeeded in landing a hit on her, but that alone does not guarantee their fight has ended. It was meant to only change the flow a bit, because it was completely one-sided up to that point. The real fight begins now, because both sides finally have proper motivation and will fight more ferociously than before.
I think I had explained in the reply to someone's reivew of a previous chapter that one of Yuki's main diadvantages is that she is not generally prone to violence and won't be able to go all-out in a fight without the proper incentive. The first stage of her clash with Ulura is another example of that. This also comes back to the focus of the story, which in this arc will be to show how Yuki eventually builds enough motivation to go all-out at any given moment, so that she can have a better chance at dealing with future threats. I hope you'll stick around for the journey she'll go on in that direction!



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Sun Mar 20, 2022 12:32 am



Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
— Gretchen Wieners