Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Fantasy

12+ Language Violence

Katlin’s story-Eloise the demented doll woman

by vampricone6783


*The very last origin story from my story:”Eloise-the demented doll woman.” I’m doing origin stories for:”The misadventures of a man named Lucifer” next.

Once upon a time,there was a thirteen year old girl named Katlin.For fun,she and her Mom visited a town called:"Nightmare Hill." Her little sister,Marcie,stayed home.Their Dad was there to take care of her.

But that's not important.Katlin and her Mom went out to Nightmare Hill,like any other mother-daughter outing.

However,they decided to visit a run-down boutique called:"Eloise's Boutique." It was a common paranormal spot to visit and they wanted to find adventure.

When they got to the boutique,Katlin's mother spent most of her time viewing the dusty clothing displays and out of fashion,dusty clothes.

Katlin wanted to see more,so,she went to the backroom of the store.Even if she was told not to go back there,she still did anyway.

She immediately regretted it.Walking in that room felt like she was walking in a murder crime scene.She could have sworn people were kidnapped,tortured and murdered in this dark,spooky,distant backroom.

Or maybe she was just paranoid from watching too many horror movies,crime shows and murder mystery movies.It was probably just a regular backroom.After all,this used to be a clothing boutique! Clothing boutiques weren't supposed to be scary...

The light flicked on.

"Who turned the light on?" Katlin asked no one in particular.

"Me." A voice said behind her.

She turned around.A tall,blond mannequin in a black dress stared back at her.

"I'm Eloise.I'm dead.But don't be scared of me.I need the help of a young girl like you to turn me into a human.Would be so kind as to help me become a human?" Eloise asked.

Katlin took one long look at her.She didn't trust Eloise.A stranger asking for her help was...strange.Especially if it was the ghost of a grown woman in the form of a mannequin asking for her,a young,thirteen year old girl,for help.

When she sized up Eloise,she got BIG RED FLAGS in her mind that screamed:STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!

"No." Katlin said.

"Very well.If that's how you feel." Eloise said coldly.

Eloise grabbed scissors from the dusty and dirty sewing table and advanced towards Katlin.

Katlin closed her eyes and screamed.She thought she'd die for she sure.

But then,conveniently,Katlin's mother walked in.

"Why are you back here,Katlin? Why were you screaming?" She asked.

Katlin opened her eyes.Eloise wasn't there.Just her concerned mother.

Katlin tried explaining to her what happened and she apologized multiple times for going in the backroom.She cried,too.

"It's okay,Katlin.You were just curious.But when we get home,you're not watching any of that kind of dark stuff in a while.Look at what it's doing to you! Making you see crazy doll women! You're watching much lighter movies and shows when we get back home." Her Mom said.

Katlin stopped trying to explain it to her.It was no use.She didn't believe her.

But that didn't matter.Katlin was just glad that she was alive.

She'd listen to her mother more often from now on...


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
92 Reviews


Points: 1000
Reviews: 92

Donate
Mon May 23, 2022 2:57 pm
View Likes
momonster wrote a review...



hey vampricone! it's momo with another review c:

i really enjoy reading these short stories! they're spooky, intriguing, and have really good story lines. they never fail to surprise me!

i saw that in this story as well you have a lack of spaces in between sentences. just try to put those into future stories; it really helps the story flow better.

For fun,she and her Mom visited a town called:"Nightmare Hill."

if my mom wanted to go to a place called nightmare hill, i would be seriously spooked.

She'd listen to her mother more often,from now on...

you don't need the comma here, so you can change it to:
She'd listen to her mother more often from now on...


that's it! you're doing an amazing job with these shorts, so keep writing! and if you disagreed with any part of this review, feel free to ignore it!
momo






Okay thanks!

I%u2019ll be editing this!



User avatar
688 Reviews


Points: 55355
Reviews: 688

Donate
Mon Jan 31, 2022 1:38 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This was a very very different story from the other ones. In all the previous ones, if I am not very much mistaken, there were deaths. This is probably the first one in which a person didn't die and escaped from death. Well, that is a very good thing because if this child can somehow be protected and if Eloise fails to get her hands again on this girl, she can be a good proof about the existence of Eloise. After all, the local people were finding proofs and were very much concerned about Eloise's deeds. She can tell them what Eloise did with her. However, despite all these possibilities I am afraid that none of them is actually going to happen because of her mother. Katlin's mother simply didn't believe in anything and just took that Katlin was suffering from hallucinations due to her habits.

That being said, there are a few points which I would like clarification on. First, I would like to know a bit about Katlin and her mother's knowledge about the "Nightmare Hill". I don't expect a person to set out to a journey to a town which they know nothing about. I really really expect people to have some knowledge before going to the place. Second, how renowned Eloise's boutique is. It doesn't seem to be a very renowned one and if it was not very renowned, there's little chance that they will know about it. But yes, if you can establish a connection between them and the city, like someone told them about it, etc. it would be easier to justify why they visited it.

Okay, now comes the most interesting part- the disappearance of Eloise. Previously, we saw that she didn't back out from torturing adults too. All were equal before her. So, why not now? If I am not very much mistaken, Eloise did disappear because of Katlin's mother's appearance. That makes me very curious of Eloise and her policy. I can't tell what she was planning to do but definitely something crueler. I wonder about the fate of Katlin, her mother as well as her full family. Nothing really seems to be good or even satisfactory here.

I liked the sudden change in Katlin's character. At first, she was portrayed as a very brave person and then when she saw Eloise, she suddenly changed to a very fearful one. That actually helps in bringing out how dangerous Eloise was. Hopefully, nothing is going to happen to her and her family.

I really liked reading all the origin stories of Eloise.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever






Okay,some answers:

They live close (like right next to it) to the town and Katlin loves visiting %u201Cabandoned towns%u201D so her mother took her there.

The boutique is still standing,it still has its displays and clothes,it%u2019s just dusty and is old.It%u2019s known to be a historic site.Her Mom wanted to visit it and she took Katlin with her.

The townspeople warn them of Eloise,but her mother did not believe them and took her anyway.

None of them have dust allergies,if you%u2019re wondering.They%u2019re fine.

Yes,in the main story,Katlin and her family are a MAJOR part of it.

Nothing happened to Katlin now..

Also,no one believes Katlin.




u can't have villains exist just 2 b villains
— ShadowVyper