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16+ Mature Content

Chase of the Untamed Maiden

by PoetryMisfit


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

** This story was inspired by the song linked below and written in one go tonight. I recommend listening to it while you read the story, so you can better connect with the feelings I hope are conveyed through the words. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=resMxznZfE8

   Scarlet hair billowing in the wind, the Maiden rode the wild mare through the trees with nothing but the air against her skin. She clung to the beast's mane as her steps beat to the rhythm of her untamed heart. Everything about the Maiden was wild, and that is why the forest was her home. 

   The sun chased her through the foliage, soft rays warming her bare skin. Nothing except the wind could quench the fire in her blood.

   She felt his presence before she saw the Fae Lord emerge from the mist ahead, as if materializing from its tendrils. He watched her thundering approach, but she did not stop. 

He chased her endlessly from the moment she entered his domain from the north a year ago, but he could never catch her soul. He was the Lord of the Western Realm that belonged to the Fae, and every maiden knew he was in search of his mate. But she was not the one, for she would be bound to no one but herself. 

   Her lungs burned as she neared the top of one of the hills, overlooking the dense green expanse. The Maiden was untamed as a wildfire. She could feel the Fae Lord’s presence closing in and leaned forward to run her fingers through the mare’s mane. The mare and her had an unspoken understanding that needed no words. Their hearts beat as one and without a second thought, the beast took off again at a full gallop down the other side of the hill. She could hear the Fae Lord thundering after her on his stallion. A magnificent beast with a coat the shade of obsidion dark enough to blot out the stars.

   He could chase her to the end of time but he would never catch her. She was as untouchable as the wind blowing freely where it pleased, but this was a dance he always conceded to at some point. A Fae Lord could not give chase forever when he had a realm to rule. She considered his position a blessing for that reason, for Fae males were not known to give up on their pursuits so easily.

   They were predatorial and became beasts themselves in the chase. She could tell there was a beast harbored within him, and she admired him for it. As the sun fell, she heard him turn back and disappear in the other direction.

   She drew her mare to a rest beside the sacred pools at the heart of the forest. There she took her first step off the mare that day and into the pool of starlight. It washed over her skin like a warm embrace. She loved the stars, and floated back to stare up at them, feeling like a star herself, leaving a trail of light in her wake.

“I thought I might find you here.”

   She sat up instantly and saw the Fae Lord standing at the edge of the pool, arms crossed, smirking triumphantly.

“Let us call this a temporary truce in our chase,” she answered with a smirk of her own.

   She stood up, knowing full well that the full length of her body was exposed to his shameless gaze. His eyes slowly burned a trail up to hers.

“Do not tempt me or I will consider this truce absolved,” he growled.

She stretched her arms high, watched his eyes glaze over as she did so and took a step back.

“ You should remember well that I was here first. You can leave anytime.”

   With that she dove into the deep end, gliding beneath the surface. The moon illuminated the water to a bright glow, clear as a window to the sky. She looked up and saw the stars through the water. When she resurfaced he was gone. Satisfied, she emerged from the water and laid down in the grass, each caress of the warm breeze like a kiss against her exposed skin. The wind was an intimate lover.

………

   The first autumn moon shone brightly, her bright face illuminating the festival on the hill. They chose that particular spot to offer reverence from a high point unobstructed from the tress. The Fae danced, some in wolf form howling to the sky while others adorned themselves in gossamer of all colors. The lunar Fae with iridescent skin like a moonlit river led the proceedings.

She unleashed song after song into the night, carried on the voice of the wind and the other Fae. This was a night for reverence and for lovers.

Butterflies and fireflies danced around the Maiden and she danced with them. She spun, turn after turn flaring her silver gossamer gown around her legs. Hands closed hers from behind and she twirled into the arms of the Fae Lord. A devilish smile adorned his handsome face, and she loosed a laugh.

The moonlight made her giddy, dulling the grip on her senses. They spun together, fingers intertwined. He was all grace in every turn as she was pulled into a dancing chase, his every turn in pursuit of hers across the hill. They circled each other, breathing hard, gazes never breaking. His eyes stole the breath from her lungs and in the moonlight she could not deny his beauty. Golden skin to offset silver eyes from the wolf in his soul. And he was eyeing her like she would be his next meal.

She felt the moon pull them together and without thinking, her arms were around his neck and lips crashing into his. His arms instantly encircled her, pulling her body against his. She parted his lips with her own and their tongues dueled in an ensuing dance. She dragged her teeth along his lower lip, releasing a gutteral sound from him that reverberated in her chest.

She tore herself from him and his eyes turned feral. She could feel his desire emanating from him.

“If you want more, you will have to catch me first.”

And before giving him a chance to respond, she tore down the hill, flying through the flowers, gossamer billowing behind her.

She leapt over rocks and logs and he just as easily pursued her as he always did.

“I will not let you go this time. You are mine.” She heard his claim as if he whispered it in her ear.

She was the wind.

She was a shooting star racing across the surface of time.

She was untouchable.

Her head spun into a high from the fire in her lungs, and she could run all night if she had to. With how determined he was, she may have to.

But he would never catch her. 


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Wed Mar 16, 2022 7:03 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi PoetryMisfit,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I think it's amazing that you wrote this piece in one go, and at first glance it seems very solid and understandable. I think even without the necessary experience or listening to the song, it is a very good stand-alone work.

The story feels very familiar from the thread we're following here and yet you give the plot a new breath, making the familiar seem unfamiliar and so the reader is a little irritated for a moment. I like that, especially how the first part differs from the second.

You create a strong build-up of the characters especially through the dialogues and this is fitting for the short story, so as not to spend too much time introducing the characters directly. It's very handy for the flow of the reading.

I also like that you've created a bit of "world-building" that helps to give the reader some questions to ask and conclude with a bit of an answer. It gives the story a depth that you don't often find in short stories.

Some passages I think you've done really well in writing, sometimes very poetic and encouraging, but there are also some smaller passages where I thought you'd inserted a bit of a bump in that reading flow. Still, writing this in one evening is really good!

Other points I noticed while reading:

But she was not the one, for she would be bound to no one but herself. 
   Her lungs burned as she neared the top of one of the hills, overlooking the dense green expanse.

I find the transition here a little too abrupt and think it would be worth reworking this a little to make it more flowing.

They were predatorial and became beasts themselves in the chase. She could tell there was a beast harbored within him, and she admired him for it.


I think the repetition of "beast" is a little too "odd" here. In fact, it acts as another damper on the reading flow and I think it would be better helped if you at least made the first "beast" a synonym, for example "creature".

Satisfied, she emerged from the water and lay down in the grass, each caress of the warm breeze like a kiss against her exposed skin.

This is a very poetic sentence and I like how it clearly shows a victory in an indirect way.

In summary, you can already clearly see how you had a bit of an idea based on the song and it definitely gives the whole story a very intense and exciting tone. For a one-goer definitely a successful work.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




PoetryMisfit says...


Hey Mailice.
Thanks for your review! I'm actually developing this piece into a novel which I'm really excited about! Your pointers are really going to help with that endeavor too.



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Mon Jan 24, 2022 9:33 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm...this was fun little story here. It's got a very interesting vibe to it and the story flows really nicely along with it, although the middle gets a teeny bit iffy, but besides that, this is built really nicely and especially that ending works out really nicely.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Scarlet hair billowing in the wind, the Maiden rode the wild mare through the trees with nothing but the air against her skin. She clung to the beast's mane as her steps beat to the rhythm of her untamed heart. Everything about the Maiden was wild, and that is why the forest was her home.

The sun chased her through the foliage, soft rays warming her bare skin. Nothing except the wind could quench the fire in her blood.

She felt his presence before she saw the Fae Lord emerge from the mist ahead, as if materializing from its tendrils. He watched her thundering approach, but she did not stop.

He chased her endlessly from the moment she entered his domain from the north a year ago, but he could never catch her soul. He was the Lord of the Western Realm that belonged to the Fae, and every maiden knew he was in search of his mate. But she was not the one, for she would be bound to no one but herself.


Well, this is off to a fairly intriguing start here. There's a distinct fairy tale vibe to this whole thing and instead of a story per see, this feels more like a sort of myth you'd tell around a campfire or something. Its a very interesting vibe and so far I'm liking this opening here.

Her lungs burned as she neared the top of one of the hills, overlooking the dense green expanse. The Maiden was untamed as a wildfire. She could feel the Fae Lord’s presence closing in and leaned forward to run her fingers through the mare’s mane. The mare and her had an unspoken understanding that needed no words. Their hearts beat as one and without a second thought, the beast took off again at a full gallop down the other side of the hill. She could hear the Fae Lord thundering after her on his stallion. A magnificent beast with a coat the shade of obsidion dark enough to blot out the stars.

He could chase her to the end of time but he would never catch her. She was as untouchable as the wind blowing freely where it pleased, but this was a dance he always conceded to at some point. A Fae Lord could not give chase forever when he had a realm to rule. She considered his position a blessing for that reason, for Fae males were not known to give up on their pursuits so easily.

They were predatorial and became beasts themselves in the chase. She could tell there was a beast harbored within him, and she admired him for it. As the sun fell, she heard him turn back and disappear in the other direction.


Oooh, well, this is in fact a literal chase it appears, and things are really proceeding quite nicely here. I love the description that's being used to describe things here. There's a distinctly poetic feel to things and that works very well with this particular type of story.

She drew her mare to a rest beside the sacred pools at the heart of the forest. There she took her first step off the mare that day and into the pool of starlight. It washed over her skin like a warm embrace. She loved the stars, and floated back to stare up at them, feeling like a star herself, leaving a trail of light in her wake.

“I thought I might find you here.”

She sat up instantly and saw the Fae Lord standing at the edge of the pool, arms crossed, smirking triumphantly.

“Let us call this a temporary truce in our chase,” she answered with a smirk of her own.

She stood up, knowing full well that the full length of her body was exposed to his shameless gaze. His eyes slowly burned a trail up to hers.


Okayy....so this little chase takes an interesting twist. It is hard to judge if perhaps the reference to this chase being something that's gone on for a while means something like this has happened before...or if this is a new development, at any rate, it seems that things are about to get interesting here.

“Do not tempt me or I will consider this truce absolved,” he growled.

She stretched her arms high, watched his eyes glaze over as she did so and took a step back.

“ You should remember well that I was here first. You can leave anytime.”

With that she dove into the deep end, gliding beneath the surface. The moon illuminated the water to a bright glow, clear as a window to the sky. She looked up and saw the stars through the water. When she resurfaced he was gone. Satisfied, she emerged from the water and laid down in the grass, each caress of the warm breeze like a kiss against her exposed skin. The wind was an intimate lover.


Well..that one is a little tough to figure out...it seems like she just kind of randomly jumps into the pool and this person has vanished...I feel like we lost a teeny bit of the general flow there.

The first autumn moon shone brightly, her bright face illuminating the festival on the hill. They chose that particular spot to offer reverence from a high point unobstructed from the tress. The Fae danced, some in wolf form howling to the sky while others adorned themselves in gossamer of all colors. The lunar Fae with iridescent skin like a moonlit river led the proceedings.

She unleashed song after song into the night, carried on the voice of the wind and the other Fae. This was a night for reverence and for lovers.

Butterflies and fireflies danced around the Maiden and she danced with them. She spun, turn after turn flaring her silver gossamer gown around her legs. Hands closed hers from behind and she twirled into the arms of the Fae Lord. A devilish smile adorned his handsome face, and she loosed a laugh.


Hmm, well we're kind of dissolving away from the mild bit of tension via the whole action scene into a much more visual scene of sorts here..its an interesting choice there, because I feel the continuity isn't doing too well, but it is making for a pretty neat scene here so far.

The moonlight made her giddy, dulling the grip on her senses. They spun together, fingers intertwined. He was all grace in every turn as she was pulled into a dancing chase, his every turn in pursuit of hers across the hill. They circled each other, breathing hard, gazes never breaking. His eyes stole the breath from her lungs and in the moonlight she could not deny his beauty. Golden skin to offset silver eyes from the wolf in his soul. And he was eyeing her like she would be his next meal.

She felt the moon pull them together and without thinking, her arms were around his neck and lips crashing into his. His arms instantly encircled her, pulling her body against his. She parted his lips with her own and their tongues dueled in an ensuing dance. She dragged her teeth along his lower lip, releasing a gutteral sound from him that reverberated in her chest.


Ooooh, well now we transition back only know it seems much more of a physical sort of fight than a chase really, although in a sense this is still a bit of a chase. Now this turn of events does work nicely with the story, although with the earlier bit the flow still does remain broken.

She tore herself from him and his eyes turned feral. She could feel his desire emanating from him.

“If you want more, you will have to catch me first.”

And before giving him a chance to respond, she tore down the hill, flying through the flowers, gossamer billowing behind her.

She leapt over rocks and logs and he just as easily pursued her as he always did.

“I will not let you go this time. You are mine.” She heard his claim as if he whispered it in her ear.

She was the wind.

She was a shooting star racing across the surface of time.

She was untouchable.

Her head spun into a high from the fire in her lungs, and she could run all night if she had to. With how determined he was, she may have to.

But he would never catch her.


I do love the ending here. While the message there in the middle got a teeny bit distorted, the ending sticks quite nicely to the theme that we had going on and it all builds together very neatly to create a lovely scene here for things to end on, giving a sense of this tiny pattern we saw repeating forever, and that I think is a lovely note to end on.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this is a neat little piece here. That center break there in the general flow is all that I've really gotta point out as a bit odd, but since there is a bit of a scene break there perhaps its intentional, and well for the most part, this was quite a neat piece here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Jan 23, 2022 6:42 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Oooh…I might actually listen to the song one day.This story gave off wonderful fairytale vibes! I loved reading it,it was very nice.I’d love it if you continued this and made it into a novel.It’d be fun to read.This was very beautiful.Thanks for this story.I hope you have a good and lovely day and night.




PoetryMisfit says...


Thank you Vampricone6783! Yes, I'd highly recommend you give it a listen. :)




"The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein