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​medusa's sea-weed

by TypoWithoutCoffee



thoughts swim and i can't help but think
of how the words stayed in your mouth
like stale air being forced inside starving lungs
as you were pulled into an under-draft

i tried to steal them away like a cold and
sharp current paralyzing you and then
allowing you to sink into nothing
as i was left with meaningless bubbles to
dissipate like they were never there

the dripping of bubbles through water
the sounds of them merging together for
their final noiseless symphony of splishes
and sloomphs as they collided with the horizon line

now your air collides with their's and you
sit waiting for the sediment to settle
you await it purposefully with your arms
spread wide and floating backwards

your eyelids adorned with the teal tint
of the water and the last few oxygen
bubbles that i tore from your lungs

you seem to wait to be buried by the
water-weighted clay your dark hair floating up
tuft by spectral tuft in the pounding silence
but instead you float to the surface

albeit facedown


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Mon Jan 24, 2022 6:53 pm
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starlitmind says...



<333




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Sat Jan 22, 2022 2:22 am
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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I enjoyed reading this poem! Your word choice was absolutely delightful; it felt like a murky watercolor painting as I was reading it. The water imagery was so compelling, and the depth to the poem was phenomenal! Really nice work!!

One thing I really enjoyed about this poem was the flow throughout, both in the storyline and in the word choices. The whole struggle in the water at the beginning was so vivid; I loved those recurring motifs of air/bubbles. I felt like I could hear the water rushing and bubbling. Then, by the end, that fast-paced struggle slows down with the mentions of sediment and clay. One striking piece of imagery I really enjoyed was the eyelids with the teal tint; I thought that really portrayed the unnaturalness of the corpse (I'm assuming). It also served as a callback to the coldness of the water. Paired with the mention of "spectral tufts" of hair in the last stanza, it served to create this super chilling atmosphere! Nice job!

I also loved the tiny examples of alliteration and assonance sprinkled throughout the poem. I thought it added a delightful touch of sound patterns and also helped a lot with the flow of each line/the stanzas as a whole.

Specifics

as i was left with meaningless bubbles to
dissipate like they were never there

the dripping of bubbles through water


I'm not sure how I feel about having "bubbles" twice in such close proximity in the poem. I get that there are sometimes no good syllables, but to me, this just feels repetitive rather than a well done piece of intentional repetition. Maybe try switching around line order/certain words?

now your air collides with their's and you


Tiny thing here: "their's" should be "theirs." Since it's a pronoun, you don't need the apostrophe s!

Overall: nice work!! I loved this chilling, vivid poem. Your imagery was stunning and sensation-provoking. I hope to read more of your poetry in the future! Until next time!!






Thank you plume!



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Fri Jan 21, 2022 5:20 pm
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Anma wrote a review...



Hi TypoWithoutCoffee

Anma here with a review! X3

Who could this be? What creature? In what world? Ah what a beautiful sight! The air the sound and the creation of words. You have such talent my dear! Your imagery is breath taking, I have nothing that i could say more. I love your poem! I wouldn't change a thing, but if you ever have the time re write it! See what your mind will come up with! Maybe next time we might know why or who this being or creature is...

With Lots Of Love
Anma <3






Thank you <3



Anma says...


ofcourse <3



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Fri Jan 21, 2022 9:35 am
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Liminality says...



Not a review, but I loved the play of sound and visual imagery in the third stanza! I also didn't expect the turn in the final stanza, so that was really neat. I like how this begins with water and air imagery but you start sneaking in the seabed by the fourth stanza, foreshadowing the "water-weighted clay".






Thank you Limmy.<3




I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
— Pablo Neruda