Young Writers Society

The use of sestina for this one is quite intriguing! I’m unsure whether this is intentional or not and maybe I’m just making myself sound a tad silly, but the use of the sestina format for this poem makes it all the more downhearted, as the dying speaker is absorbing their surroundings and situation into their mind as they fade away into death. Repeating what is around them and what they are perceiving as they pass, ingraining it into themself, as this is it. This is the end. This is where they shall die, and it is the last thing they shall ever be able to describe. Other than that, I think it is a pretty neat little poem, so props to you on that. Also, sorry for this, but are the “hot chains” described in the third stanza literal or figurative? Earlier, you describe scientists performing cruel experiments and I would appreciate the clarification as to whether the hot chains wrapped around the voice box were a reference to that or just figurative. :>

the use of your vocabulary in this piece is really intriguing. the excessive use of the word concrete and crushed could have been avoided, but i am a budding writer just like you. i like the theme you have tried to adopt in the piece. it is not everyones piece of cake to write about darkness swiftly. it really has to flow. i think you have somewhat achieved that here. visuary writing seems to be your forte. im impressed

Hi there AlmostImmortal!

Props to you for writing a sestina! It's a form I've wanted to try for a while now but I've frankly been intimidated by the structure, so I think it's really impressive that you wrote (quite successfully!) one of these.

On first read-through, I can definitely see the horror aspects of this poem coming through. If I had to put a finger on it, I'd say this has some pretty strong Frankenstein vibes? The very literate and slightly formal style of the writing also reminds me a bit of a novel, like Rook noted in their review. Despite that though, I'm not super inclined to read the poem literally I don't think. Lines like "They wanted to replace my flesh with concrete / Switch sulfuric acid with my saltwater tears" seem to me to be metaphorical descriptions of what the narrator's oppressors want to do, since I can't see any practical reason for them wanting, or being able, to actually do either of those things.

I really, really love the effect of the repeated words you chose (wind, crushed, tears, concrete, chains, ground) - I think you chose words that set a very distinct mood, while also being very versatile so that none of the lines sounds forced. It also creates some kind of ironic (for lack of a better word) connections between some images and ideas, for example "They wanted to replace my flesh with concrete" followed by "I want the strength of ten tons of concrete" uses "concrete" for a negative and then a positive description.

I agree with Rook, too, that you have some incredibly vivid images nestled in this poem. Some of my favourites would be "There is nothing but knives in the wind / The water laced with setting concrete", "My burial shroud will be nothing but chains" and "Throat torn open by chains; face dissolved by tears". I love how specific, unique, and emotional they are! Like people often talk about the wind being sharp or having a bite, but "knives in the wind" takes that to a whole new level and is just such an intense image.

In terms of actual critiques, I just two main ones that kind of tie into each other: punctuation + "list lines". The first one is pretty obvious - it looks like you've chosen to not end any of the lines with punctuation (except for "Oh, to have the power to break these chains!" which as a result stands out quite a lot and conveys a lot of volume with the exclamation mark). I don't think that's a bad choice; you use the punctuation to set a tone both visually and grammatically, which is great. I just find that, because of how you've worded or structured some of the lines in this poem, it ends up making it feel like you're just listing descriptive nouns in some spots. For example, the opening stanza:

I smell blood and bitterness on the wind
Tales of hearts ground and spirits crushed
Broken fingers and eyes full of tears
Muffled cries for help under the cold concrete
Souls wrapped in heavy iron chains
Hidden, rotten corpses in the ground

I smell:
- blood and bitterness on the wind
- Tales of hearts ground and spirits crushed
- Broken fingers and eyes full of tears
- Muffled cries for help under the cold concrete
- Souls wrapped in heavy iron chains
- Hidden, rotten corpses in the ground

What a dark and detailed poem! The words and descriptions you used were very detailed and I could really picture it in my mind.Being completely helpless and forced into the ground is not fun at all.This was my first time reading a sestina,by the way.I loved it! So horrific and fun to read! Good job! I hope you have a wonderful and nice day and night.

Hello!
I really enjoy sestinas. They're so difficult yet satisfying to write.
This was a cool poem in that it felt like reading a dramatic part of a novel. Like, it didn't feel relatable enough to me to connect with the narrator really, but I felt like the narrative stakes were high and there was a lot of intrigue going on. It was interesting! I don't read a lot of poems like that. I'm much more used to a poem that sort of considers a small subject in relation to a big one and doesn't have very much action.
The sheer amount of action, violence, darkness, pain, etc. in this poem made it feel a bit... angsty I guess? But also, I am probably not the intended audience for this poem.
I enjoyed many technical details about it though! I felt like you had a good rhythm going, the words propelling the reader through the poem. None of your lines felt imbalanced, either too long or short. You had a lot of very visceral imagery and although the actual imagery you described was not necessarily my taste, you did a great job at including lots of specific details. Like a voicebox wrapped in hot chains? What a strong image! On the other hand, there were a few others like a soul crumbling in the wind that felt a little too abstract to me. I feel like if you can't actually picture exactly what something would look, feel (as in touch, not as in emotions), taste, smell, or sound like, it might be a bit too abstract. This is why I like reading poems about peaches and skylights and such rather than poems about love and war and pain. A poem about a peach can also be a poem about pain, but it is a poem that uses a subtle touch in making that metaphor that really delights me. I recommend reading lots of great poetry! You clearly have a way with words and a good sense of how they fit together! I think you just need more exposure to great poetry and more practice writing it yourself and I think you'll find yourself quickly improving. Even if you don't like the same kind of poetry that I like and you have no desire to improve in the way that I hope you do, reading and writing more is always the best advice!
I hope this was at least somewhat helpful! I always worry I'm being too harsh in my reviews but just know that I spend time writing because I know that you can become a Great writer and I'd love to have some small part in that journey! This is a wonderful poem, and a wonderful sestina especially, so play around with it and see if you can make it even better!
Keep writing!
-Rook