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E - Everyone Language

Where are you going?

by Dazaicho


It was a Friday night, and the usual time for our walk has come. But he wasn’t back home yet. “I will just wait a little” I thought and just minutes later I heard the so awaited scream “I’m home”. I was so happy to hear that voice again. So gentle, that it makes my heart melt. But as I got to meet his face I could see a tired expression.

“We will go out, just give me a second to change my clothes”

“It’s okay, if you’re exhausted we can have our walk tomorrow morning”-I responded.

“You know I have work tomorrow, so we will spend our time now. We haven’t missed a Friday for 3 years, remember?”

Okay, just tell me if you need something or you feel bad- “- I was cut by another shout.

“Just shut up already! Am I a baby or something, huh?”

--

We soon got outside. It was dark and a light wind was blowing. The sky was clear that night and we could see the moon and all the little shining star. Although it seemed like a normal Friday, I felt worried for no reason. Something was going to happen, but for the first time I had no idea of the future. It was him, who pulled me out of my thoughts:

“I wand to share something. We promise to don’t keep secrets from each other so…”

“I’m listening then.” – I said

“I’m not comfortable with talking about that when we’re surrounded with all these people. Can we go somewhere else…please?”

“Where?”

“Our place.”

--

After about half an hour of silent walking beside each other we were able to see the blue water of the ocean. I was impatient, and when we sat on the nearby bench, I asked what was so important, so I asked my partner about it.

“You know some of the promises we made. We promised to always be sincere. I want to tell you the truth after holding all of this inside me for so long. Don’t think it wasn’t hard to-“

“Just tell me already!” – I raised my voice.

“Don’t fucking interrupt me! You want to know so bad? Then here, I’ll put it short: I don’t love you anymore!!!”- he shouted.

I was speechless. So that was the thing which bothered her. With a lot of effort, I tried asking a question.

“Ok, so what are you going to do now? You’re leaving, because you don’t feel the same anymore, or you’re staying until you find a place where to live?” My tone was cold as ice at that moment.

“I already have another person to love, so I’m going to live with him.”

“Okay then…go back ‘home’ and pack up, since I don’t want to see your stuff anymore.”

“You know, a relationship doesn’t last forever, so don’t overreact. Do you think it was easy for me to-“ . He was cut off by my words filled with pain.

“Just…just stop talking. Then did YOU know how much I loved you, how much I worried about you? I can’t just erase three years of all our memories together! You were always acting cold, you were rude, but I didn’t give up. I won’t be surprised if you have never loved me, you could have at least told me at the beginning…”

I said that with such speed I didn’t have any air in my lungs left.

This was the end of my heart. It couldn’t hold it anymore and a tear ran down my face.

“Then let me tell you you’re not the only one who’s hurt!

There was a minute of silence, but he broke it:

“I’m going to prepare my luggage now, I’m leaving tomorrow. It’s not going to take me much time, since I’m almost done with packing up. Just wait for me here, I have more things to tell you.”

“Ok, go now.” – I answered, still in shock.

--

He left me alone with my mind. I wasn’t planning on waiting here, so I decided to give her my last words. I took out a small piece of paper I had and started writing on it.

You may have hated me all this time, but I’ve always loved you. And I will always do. I wish you all the best from now, but please…don’t forget me.

I filled all the space and left the not on the bench. The ocean was so beautiful, I wasn’t able to stop looking at them with my brown eyes, now covered in tears. Maybe…I can become one of these incredible waves too?

--

There was a bench nearby the ocean. The moonlight was revealing a human figure holding something. The sleepy nature around could only hear heavy breaths and small water drops meeting the ground.

But soon, silence remained in the moonlight. The last thing heard was just water splash.


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275 Reviews


Points: 3
Reviews: 275

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Thu Jan 20, 2022 2:57 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello! Here to review and get this out of the Green Room!

'I heard the so awaited scream' but then the voice is described as 'so gentle.' These two things don't really go together.

Why are you using dashes for dialogue tags? Those aren't needed.

'It was dark and a light wind was blowing' - the use of 'dark' and 'light' in one sentence reads a little weird.

“I wand (want) to share something. We promise to don’t (not) keep secrets from each other so…”

'I’m not comfortable with talking about that when we’re surrounded with (by) all these people."

'So that was the thing which bothered her (him)'

“You know, a relationship doesn’t last forever, so don’t overreact. Do you think it was easy for me to-“ - wow. Now that was cruel. They're better off without him!

'You were always acting cold, you were rude, but I didn’t give up. I won’t be surprised if you have never loved me, you could have at least told me at the beginning…” - okay, if this was happening from the beginning, the warning signs were there. You could expand on this to really make the point of 'trust your gut.' This could be a really good piece on not trying to force a relationship when you know something isn't right.

'I wasn’t able to stop looking at them with my brown eyes, now covered in tears.' - the mention of their eyes being brown feels kinda weird here. Why would they specifically comment on their own eye colour?

I'm a little confused by the ending, I'm not sure the reasoning behind switching the POV to omnipotent narrator at the end. It didn't really add anything to the story.

Overall, this is a simple, short piece that could pack a punch if you really focused on the relationship and it's nuances.

Considering the narrator says that they're not surprised if their partner never loved them, it feels like a big change from the beginning with them thinking 'I felt worried for no reason. Something was going to happen, but for the first time I had no idea of the future.' If they had doubts from the start, it's weird for them to mention that this is the first time that their future is unclear.

Really delve into these two characters. Understand their relationship and who they are to each other. It will help the reader connect to them and really feel their emotions.

Hope this helps!




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Mon Jan 17, 2022 4:29 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...it seems we've got ourselves a pretty strong scene here. Its a pretty bad breakup that ends in possibly the worst way that it could and you've just got a very powerful scene here. The scene breaks were an interesting choice, but I they worked and you constructed this little sequence of events pretty neatly.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was a Friday night, and the usual time for our walk has come. But he wasn’t back home yet. “I will just wait a little” I thought and just minutes later I heard the so awaited scream “I’m home”. I was so happy to hear that voice again. So gentle, that it makes my heart melt. But as I got to meet his face I could see a tired expression.

“We will go out, just give me a second to change my clothes”

“It’s okay, if you’re exhausted we can have our walk tomorrow morning”-I responded.

“You know I have work tomorrow, so we will spend our time now. We haven’t missed a Friday for 3 years, remember?”

Okay, just tell me if you need something or you feel bad- “- I was cut by another shout.

“Just shut up already! Am I a baby or something, huh?”


Okayy...this is an interesting start. We had a rather gentle sort of intro to things where we get the feeling this is two people who care about each other quite a bit meeting and getting ready to do something part of their routine, but then we have this minor argument that puts just a tiny seed of doubt in your mind as a reader as to what could possibly be going on.

We soon got outside. It was dark and a light wind was blowing. The sky was clear that night and we could see the moon and all the little shining star. Although it seemed like a normal Friday, I felt worried for no reason. Something was going to happen, but for the first time I had no idea of the future. It was him, who pulled me out of my thoughts:

“I wand to share something. We promise to don’t keep secrets from each other so…”

“I’m listening then.” – I said

“I’m not comfortable with talking about that when we’re surrounded with all these people. Can we go somewhere else…please?”

“Where?”

“Our place.”


Okayy so we're skipping through a few snippets of scenes I see. I assume this is the same people we're talking about since this conversation does seem to have that same general vibe about it although it is harder to place just where things could be going here.

After about half an hour of silent walking beside each other we were able to see the blue water of the ocean. I was impatient, and when we sat on the nearby bench, I asked what was so important, so I asked my partner about it.

“You know some of the promises we made. We promised to always be sincere. I want to tell you the truth after holding all of this inside me for so long. Don’t think it wasn’t hard to-“

“Just tell me already!” – I raised my voice.

“Don’t fucking interrupt me! You want to know so bad? Then here, I’ll put it short: I don’t love you anymore!!!”- he shouted.

I was speechless. So that was the thing which bothered her. With a lot of effort, I tried asking a question.

“Ok, so what are you going to do now? You’re leaving, because you don’t feel the same anymore, or you’re staying until you find a place where to live?” My tone was cold as ice at that moment.

“I already have another person to love, so I’m going to live with him.”


OKayy...that took some rapid turns right there, wow, well the slight bit of animosity spotted at the start of this piece wasn't imagined after all, that's a nice little bit of foreshadowing and well this..this a rather powerful scene here to bring this particular situation out. I think you capture the sort of emotions associated with such a moment decently well so far.

“Okay then…go back ‘home’ and pack up, since I don’t want to see your stuff anymore.”

“You know, a relationship doesn’t last forever, so don’t overreact. Do you think it was easy for me to-“ . He was cut off by my words filled with pain.

“Just…just stop talking. Then did YOU know how much I loved you, how much I worried about you? I can’t just erase three years of all our memories together! You were always acting cold, you were rude, but I didn’t give up. I won’t be surprised if you have never loved me, you could have at least told me at the beginning…”

I said that with such speed I didn’t have any air in my lungs left.

This was the end of my heart. It couldn’t hold it anymore and a tear ran down my face.

“Then let me tell you you’re not the only one who’s hurt!

There was a minute of silence, but he broke it:

“I’m going to prepare my luggage now, I’m leaving tomorrow. It’s not going to take me much time, since I’m almost done with packing up. Just wait for me here, I have more things to tell you.”

“Ok, go now.” – I answered, still in shock.


Okayy..well that sounds like we've got ourselves a bit of a toxic situation. For a moment I was expecting some sort of sadness, and well while that is the situation as far as the story is concerned, I honestly think this one deserves a bit of happiness, cause as horribly tough as it seems for the POV character here, it is definitely for the best judging by how things went there. This is quite the toxic sounding relationship, just from this one little conversation there.

He left me alone with my mind. I wasn’t planning on waiting here, so I decided to give her my last words. I took out a small piece of paper I had and started writing on it.

You may have hated me all this time, but I’ve always loved you. And I will always do. I wish you all the best from now, but please…don’t forget me.

I filled all the space and left the not on the bench. The ocean was so beautiful, I wasn’t able to stop looking at them with my brown eyes, now covered in tears. Maybe…I can become one of these incredible waves too?

--

There was a bench nearby the ocean. The moonlight was revealing a human figure holding something. The sleepy nature around could only hear heavy breaths and small water drops meeting the ground.

But soon, silence remained in the moonlight. The last thing heard was just water splash.


Well...that...ended about as badly as it could have. I was hoping our protagonist here would realize a few things and while being sad perhaps learn to move on somehow or make an attempt by the end, but well, the devastation it seems was simply too much there and it ended up resulting in the worst possible end. Well that was a pretty solid emotional moment to end on there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think a powerful piece here. It brings its message across quite powerfully and leaves an impression on you as a reader in just how powerful this emotion feels and especially that ending.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





I love how we all band together to break things...
— Kelpies