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Still

by PenguinAttack


awake
can you remember this
the way his hand and your
limitless potential
inking listlessly into the fabric
of his old leather couch
and the way the cracks burn
just a little against the back
of your knees, pressing so hard
and empty against the broken skin
the way his hand and your
crinkled blue dress became complex
in geometric lace burgeoning
and unravelling or not so much
undone but rebraided and transformed
the way his hand and your
blonde streaks met before the moment
the springs began to give
and the blue dress split
and you stood up because
Well wasn't this fun
your hand on the door and his
waiting


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83 Reviews


Points: 1197
Reviews: 83

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Fri Jan 14, 2022 3:51 pm
waywardxwallflower wrote a review...



Hello! Wallflower here with a quick review (:

This poem is absolutely beautiful!! It's quick abstract but throughout it this serves to paint a story not of what is happening around you, but what's going on in your mind and through your eyes. It flows wonderfully, and your word choice is unique and lovely. The use of second person is also very interesting, but effective here.

awake
can you remember this
the way his hand and your
limitless potential
inking listlessly into the fabric
of his old leather couch


This part is absolutely beautiful - I love the way you link his hand and your potential. The only critique I have on this section is that a poem such as this should still generally adhere to grammar - your use of "inking" instead of "inked" makes it kind of odd? It's not as clear as to what is doing the inking.

and the way the cracks burn
just a little against the back
of your knees, pressing so hard
and empty against the broken skin


AAAAA mate MAte. mate. yeah this section is so beautiful - the way you make such a small and mundane thing seem like the most important thing in the universe takes special skill.

the way his hand and your
crinkled blue dress became complex
in geometric lace burgeoning
and unravelling or not so much


The way you convey your emotions as this happens - it's complex, it's overwhelming, and you've communicated that PERFECTLY. The way you use your dress as a representation of yourself is absolutely beautiful.

undone but rebraided and transformed
the way his hand and your
blonde streaks met before the moment
the springs began to give
and the blue dress split


Once again, this is just beautiful. The way you describe everything is *chef's kiss*

and you stood up because
Well wasn't this fun


This line here is a bit confusing. Is someone saying that, or is it just your internal monologue? Maybe add quotation marks and indicate who's saying this?

your hand on the door and his
waiting


Lovely ending (:

Overall, this was an absolutely beautiful poem, and its spiraling words really helped to put me into the mindset of the person all of this is happening to. Wonderful job! You should definitely be proud!!

Keep writing!




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34 Reviews


Points: 43
Reviews: 34

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Fri Jan 14, 2022 1:08 am
YellowSweater wrote a review...



I love the line breaks. It gives the piece such a unique rhythm! I also love how you merge concrete imagery and philosophical ideas like in the lines "limitless potential/ inking listlessly into the fabric /of his old leather couch" I also like how the images are reflected in each other. My favorite moment in the poem does this: "springs began to give/ and the blue dress split" The sounds and colors in both the images flow together really well.

I really like how you use such unique words "burgeoning" "rebraided", but because the writing is so dense it can feel a little overwhelming and amateurish at times. Though this doesn't bother me quite so much on a second read through! Lovely job here! I wish I had more to critique! I'm not the best at giving reviews, so my apologies. - Yellow Sweater




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31 Reviews


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Reviews: 31

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Mon Jan 10, 2022 10:59 am
GirlWithATypewriter wrote a review...



Hey there! GirWithATypeWriter here for a review!
I think this is quite a stimulating poem. Just from plainly reading it, I love your style of writing! The words you've used are a beautiful collection and I think this is one of my favorite reads.
"can you remember this
the way his hand and your
limitless potential"
these lines really put the poem off to a great start and gave it quite a movie-like beginning.
I love how gradually you can feel an impending sense of doom and it's beautiful how you were able to convey that, or maybe that's how I interpreted it. Well, poems according to me are "beautifully misinterpreted individual thoughts" so...yeah.
Love the piece and would like to see more of your work.
Have a great day!
xoxo




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Sun Jan 09, 2022 7:14 am
Rook wrote a review...



Hello!
An interesting poem. I feel like I am still puzzling through its twists. It kind of feels cubist, in the way that there seem to be multiple copies of the same hand, disconnected from a body. Like a shattered mirror or something. I think a lot of the word choice, especially with the dress really reenforces that imagery. Like geometric, unraveling, rebraided, broken, split, springs giving, empty, etc. You're really great at word choice!
I think my main question was whether this person who's hand we are seeing is a person I should feel pity for or anger for. I began reading this thinking it might be a beloved dying father or something, but I switched somewhere to reading it as an unwanted physical advance from a lover. It could also fall somewhere between those ideas. The more I read it though, the more I feel more like the second reading is most likely so if that's not at all what you wanted to convey, then maybe see if there's something you can do to clarify. However, if that is what you wanted to convey and you wanted to keep it fairly vague, i actually really like the level of vagueness you have here!
You have sensory details enough to keep us grounded without knowing exactly where we are grounded to.
It's a different style than I'm used to, but I like it and I think it was successful. I don't have much else to say!
-Rook





You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.
— Rod Serling