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E - Everyone


by SimiDeJoie4

Pour me some wine and let me be filled

Fill the cup with playfulness and joy

Joy so full that I get drunk

Drunk in love in a 'ship

Ship we sail till Earth's end

Play me some fine music to the ear

Ears will be rhythm full 

Full at heart with love

Love that sings David and Jonathan

Jonathan, leave me not

Read me some fine words worthwhile

Worthwhile like the ink of this

This reality will never end

End to all games and gall

Gall won't,with you, spoil supper

Give me some kisses to my wounds

Wounds that only you can heal

Heal me with your kind words

Words that will ring in my heart forever

Forever we will be friends

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192 Reviews

Points: 9600
Reviews: 192

Thu Dec 30, 2021 2:14 pm
tweezers wrote a review...

uhh hi i'll get this out of the green room for you

Pour me some wine and let me be filled

very strong opening line i think. it sets a good atmosphere for what's going to come, especially with the whole food is family type of thing i see. it almost feels kind of on the religious air of things if i'm being honest? the wine can be a metaphor for a lot of things and then "pouring" can be another metaphor for even more things. there are a lot of ways to tie in the friendship aspect if you're going for the wine route of this kind of thing.

i think the usage of "let me be filled" instead of mentioning a cup is what brought it up for me, mostly because when talking about metaphorical ideas such as religion or family or strong bonded friendships, a person takes the form of the cup. the wine in this situation is honestly a hard thing to place because as i mentioned before, there are many ways to view this as poetry and it all depends on situational occurrences.

Drunk in love in a 'ship

Ship we sail till Earth's end

i'm not sure how i feel about the sudden change into these sea/ocean images? i feel like they could pair nicely with the friendship base you have, but if you look at it from where we started in the poem, it feels too much of a sudden change. i personally like "chaotic" or even at times "clashing" changes in imagery, but that kind of thing requires the change to be swift and some foreshadowing may be needed for it to work as well.

Love that sings David and Jonathan

i could say the same thing here as i said above, but instead of imagery, it's just in general. no reader will know how these people are, and no reader will know if these people are important to the poem or if they are just used to prove a point. i'm a fan of personalizing poetry with names and stuff, but if you're going to commit somewhat to having that being a focus, i'd say just go all out with it and don't hold anything back.

knowing that, i think that's the biggest actual critique i have to mention. there's a lot of stuff happening here and all of it works on its own, but most of it feels mashed together when you have it right next to each other. if you're committed to those characters, i'd say flesh out how they fit in the theme more and focus on metaphorical language.

happy writing!
- tweezers

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149 Reviews

Points: 18
Reviews: 149

Thu Dec 09, 2021 12:56 am
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...

I enjoyed reading this wholesome poem about friendship.All this narrator wants us a good and honest friend,nothing more.We don’t get that very often.Usually,people will want something from us.This person wants something from their friend,but it’s nothing material.It’s just a long-lasting friendship.It’s a lovely and beautiful poem.Good job on it! I hope you have a good day/night.

Is anyone else desperately waiting to see themselves in the quote gen?
— TheCursedCat