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LoaMR: Ch.XVI: Daphne and Claire 7

by MailicedeNamedy

I am glad that you´re OK. At the same time, I wonder what I did wrong that you lied to your aunt and me for no reason at all and turned your back on Regenschloss. What has got into you?

You didn't do anything. You were never at home and you didn't raise me!

I'm your father, Claire!

Are you saying I have to submit to what you tell me to do? What if I don't want to do that? What if I don't like the private school? What if I do what I like? Why do you think I escaped from Regenschloss! I am the way I am because of you! It's all your fault! And why, because you never did anything for me, because you were never there for me!

The walk from her father's office to the underground gave her time to adjust her piece. She put everything together in her head. Ernst's greeting was ignored, the floor was marvelled at. Without regard for others, she used the lift alone. Locked the entrance door behind her and moved further and further away from this place. She didn't dare look behind to see if he could watch from the window. Clutching the key tightly in her hand, she wanted to throw it at someone's head, crying. The main thing was that someone had to suffer pain who was not her.

If only I had opened my mouth!

What's the point if he's in the driver's seat? No matter how many times you fight, you are the one who has to do what others say.

I have no one above me. No one asks about my interests! Should I do everything others tell me in my entire life?

You are still a child and children do what parents tell them to do.

No! Father does not have the right. I am eighteen.

That's not an argument. He is your father.

Did he teach me anything at any time? Did he take an interest in me, ask what I liked to do? No! He was only interested in my school grades! Not for me! He talked to my aunt ABOUT me, not to me. He didn't bother to QUESTION ME. He immediately assumed it was for the best.

He didn't give a damn about you, so what? Maybe he wants to make up for it now! Maybe he's realised what he did wrong. Think about it, maybe you're too full of yourself! He is YOUR father!

But I am me!

He regrets not being with you all these years and now wants to make it up to you!

I can't buy anything with that! I can't make a living out of it!

You never think about him! Only about you!

What's wrong with that?

When you worry your head for others, you seem more cheerful.

Who is looking after me? No one! Not my father, not my aunt, and no friends either! So why should I submit to the will of others and take them into account?

Claire was not on her way home to Daphne or to father's house. She was on the train, fleeing. Somewhere, far away, so as not to be with someone right away.

She was able to disappear in the underground. No one paid any attention to her. The stations passed her by, the passengers and the inspector as well.

Island Branch Bridge. North Road. Aviation Square.

You should be angry at yourself. Not at your father. He wants to catch you.

He wants me to have a regular life alongside a man. He just wants me not to start making something of myself.

Because he is convinced that if you don't achieve it, you will be devastated.

What does he know about it?

You know it. You always lower your expectations so as not to be disappointed. You are always quiet so as not to be attacked. You are always lazy. So, nothing can ever get broken because you do something.

What's wrong with avoiding the negative?

You can't always be happy. You have to be able to accept disappointments in life. Are you happy?


No, you're not.

Flora Vineta Street. Warriors' Square. Ring Road (South Ring).

Now you have to move in with your father. What are you afraid of? Because he forced you to go to school tomorrow? No, he didn't force you. He said so. What are words? He can't control you.

I'm afraid... afraid he'll force me. He gave me the key.

You are afraid of change. You are afraid of other people; you are afraid of everyone. Why don't you say anything to your father? Only Emma at all? Because you are afraid that someone might tell you that you are wrong.

I am not wrong.

You can't be wrong if you never do anything right.

My father... he wants me to do something I don't like. I don't want to go down that road.

You don't want to be a cook either like you told Auntie. You want to live a life as you did in childhood. A quiet, monotonous, shadowy existence without problems and duties.

Doesn't everyone want that?

No. We want to grow and learn. But you are afraid of it. You're afraid that you might enjoy it. That the thing your father has chosen for you will bring you joy.

No, that is not true!

What are you resisting? Don't you want it? This satisfaction? You never showed any joy around the family. You were always the quiet, prissy puppet. Like a porcelain doll, you never made an expression.

Because everyone doesn't like me. Father doesn't care about me because he can't use me...?

Eucharius Dam. Springer Street. Mariendorf (chapel).

First, learn to open up your feelings. Daphne has helped you with that. Then you can understand everyone better, including your father.

He is not to be understood.

He is like you.

He is not like me. He is him and I am me.

You are his flesh, his offspring.

Does that mean he was like that? Like me?

Think about it, Claire! He's your father. He has three children, your brother, and your sister. Both are grown-up, both have their lives, you don't yet. Think about him for once! He lost your mother - his wife - when you were born. And now he wants to do everything to make you the wife he no longer had after his death.

He doesn't want that. He wants to control me.

You are so stubborn. You don't want to let anyone get close to you. That's what destroys you.

Then I'll go to pieces on it.

Kernter Square. Mary´s Tower, Terminus.

Mary´s Tower, namesake of the village stood at the south end of the community. Claire was far outside the city limits of Berlyne. Greater Berlyne stretched beyond the woods there. She didn't want to go back. She was embarrassed to get on the same train right away and continued on foot.

She could not shed tears, no matter how much she wanted to. She tried several times but there were too many people on the streets. Rejecting, she followed the viaduct. This way she couldn't get lost and transfer her anger to her legs. The fresh air made her hair move; the inner conflict did not end.

Claire deliberately slapped her thighs when no one was looking to finally feel anger and sadness. Instead, her fists and legs hurt. She couldn't make it up, soon the first bruises appeared. She would have liked to bite her arm as hard as she could to see blood.

There was a second line at Kernter Square. As far as she could trust her mind, it was the same line as the one outside her front door in the Boar arcades.

The station, built in Art Nouveau style, had a small kiosk. She couldn't buy anything without money. The first train pulled in. She remained seated; she didn't want to go back. She couldn't go to Daphne. First, she needed time for herself. She wanted to destroy this uneasy feeling.

The second lane was empty.

A conductor used his punch pliers. The ticket received one more hole. The train made a very sweeping curve towards the west. The train bypassed the Lakeland of Südthal by a few hundred feet.

Südthal was her father's home. Claire saw how far he lived from the proper town. The key was in her hand, she couldn't throw it away or use it. She knew she couldn't manage to wait at his house. Benedikt suspected as much. He was not supposed to meet anyone in the evening.

A foul-smelling man with shaggy white hair sat down in the empty car. Her anxiety sank, then rose, when he spoke up.

"The world is beautiful when you're a pig..." he grunted, "rubbish, dirt, ashes, it's all together..."

She got off the train at a station with an interchange, after reluctance and arguing with herself. The homeless man kept singing his ditties about the boozy life and asking the invisible guests to dance along.

Line III. Have I ridden it yet?

You can take the next, so you don't have to change trains.

Then people think what a strange person I am.

I don't see anyone on the platform.

Line III took her across the city centre, into the eastern communities of Kreuzthal and Diastole. Claire followed the conversation of a girl, eleven or twelve, as she sat down on the bench with two older ladies. The girl liked to sit by the window and her wish was granted by both of them. Even when she joked that one of the two old ladies had a dirty window, they affirmed her observation and smiled. Claire did not understand.

Sometime after half an hour, she was at the zoo.

On foot, she made her way to Boar arcades. It had been a long time since she had seen Daphne. She had slept in the morning. She would wait for Claire, she had promised her last night.

She could no longer pretend that nothing had happened.

Claire had two options: Continue her life inhibited and panicked, go to school tomorrow, and face her father. Or she avoided school, showed will, and went to him with her head held high. In the end, it came down to the same thing; there had to be a second confrontation where she could finally open her mouth.

Wasn't he the reason for all the problems since Regenschloss? The story with Léonard? Kapellengarten? The escape from Sehlingen? Edward-Lloyd-Newman city? After all, it was his fault. The circle had come full circle with her mother.

Among the passers-by, the thought occurred to her that Léonard might not be wrong. Father had never spoken about it. His occult hobby after death underlined the statement. She could provoke him with that. Reporting him to the HePo was a thought of her.

The Boar arcades were getting closer. Strenght went to her, when Claire thought of Daphne and her power.

Claire agreed.

She calmed her conscience. Tomorrow was going to be like last week. She wanted to go back to Daphne and have fun. She was her retreat, a patron who gave her protection and shelter, a source of inspiration.

And see that she gets that apprenticeship. If this Haarmann was above father, there was no reason to object, even if it was this man, she met at Léonard´s birthday. Relationships didn´t count at work. A happy ending and overthrown father made the young Silberlilie smile.

And then, on that day when she was to see him again, she knew now that she wanted to confront him. With everything, she needed to know. The voice in her head could keep coming back with "Think about your father, how does he feel?”

The hatred shaped her happily. This superiority made her proud. No matter how she turned it now, what the voice in her head said, it was always his fault and no one else's. Why should Claire now slip away and obey? He had never thought of her and she was now doing the same.

It was now her turn.

To XVI.8.

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Tue Mar 29, 2022 8:58 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...

Hey Mailice!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I really liked the interplay of Claire's thoughts that you presented in this part. Looking back, this can almost be considered as a filler, except at this juncture in the story, it was really important for us to actually sit down with Claire and her thoughts and reach a definite conclusion. Almost the entire part was based inside Claire's head, and by allowing us to carefully examine her unfiltered thoughts, we know now where she stands in respect to all these new developments in her life.

Interestingly enough, Claire's thoughts can be divided into two different voices in her head that pose the two different sides of an argument. One side tries to get her to listen to reason and attempt to understand her father, while the other side is determined to hold on to all the anger and resentment that has been building inside her all these years. It is difficult to determine which voice had the last word at the end of the day, but it was very interesting to listen to the conflict of argument between the two. Either ways, the only conclusion we get at the end of it all is the guarantee of another encounter between the father and daughter in the near future.

He didn't give a damn about you, so what? Maybe he wants to make up for it now! Maybe he's realised what he did wrong.

It is parts like these that show you how hurt Claire has been by her father's absence in her life. In the quoted thoughts, she is almost strangely optimistic while suggesting that her father might be wanting to make up for lost time; its almost like what she hopes it is than what she believes, and the exclamation present in the thought brings forth this vulnerability that she almost unthinkingly expresses.

You want to live a life as you did in childhood.

I never thought about it like that. To me, every remotely rebellious activity Claire has ever engaged herself in has been about stepping out of the grid set for her by her elders. She has mostly lived a very sheltered life, that had been charted to the finest details by her aunt and her father. However, Claire is the kind of person whose imagination often occupies more space in her head than her real experiences. She resents having to live within boundaries, and this resentment increases ten fold because her imagination may often lead her to have unrealistic expectations which may eventually lead to disappointment. It is worse for her, because she has never stepped off the course set before her, at least not before Leonard appeared in her life. I often got the impression that most of the time, she went along with Leonard and Emma, because of the exciting uncertainty and promising adventures that Leonard represented. She wanted to experience life, and Leonard was her ticket to do that.

However, the fact that she wants to live like she did in her childhood suggests that she preferred the comfort of not having to be serious about anything and allowing all the hard decisions in life being taken in her place. Any other person like Daphne or Emma would have soared at the chance of freedom and independence. But Claire is shy, reserved, insecure and supremely underconfident. It makes sense that she would find comfort in the familiarity of her old life. And because she is always undermining her abilities, she might be wary of the future and what she is going to achieve in it.

He lost your mother - his wife - when you were born. And now he wants to do everything to make you the wife he no longer had after his death.

Again, this is something I had not considered. If we think about it, Claire is really the last of his children and the only one who had to grow up without a mother. He was her only guardian, her only source of emotional comfort while growing up. And maybe because he was aware of the fact, he was scared of it as well. As can be seen from almost all their interactions, he did not know how to be there for her, both emotionally and physically, and it is interesting how he removed himself from the equation before he could disappoint her or mess her up. He controls every aspect of her life, because its the only way he still gets to be a part of his daughter's life and its also the only way he knows how to be there for her. Sometimes, I think that half of these misunderstandings between the father and daughter would disappear if they just sat down with one another and had an honest, open conversation about both of their grievances.

The voice in her head could keep coming back with "Think about your father, how does he feel?”

I would argue that this constant voice in Claire's head arguing for a chance to justify her father is a sign of her growing maturity that we have never seen from her before. This is the first time that she has actually tried to think about his side of it as well, and I think this thought of hers alone requires acknowledgement and appreciation.
However, in the very next moment, she gives in to the already existing hatred and resentment as it is easier to be angry than trying to understand. She is familiar with this resentment because she has carried it half her life. It is easier to accept than the possibility of her misunderstanding her father.

I liked the fact that she is still determined to get that apprenticeship. It seems like something that she genuinely wants for herself and I like seeing her actually working for it. If nothing else, this part makes it very clear to us that their is going to be another confrontation between the father and daughter, and this time Claire is determined to speak her mind. Even though, I know that there is no way things are gonna go down smoothly, I still believe that being honest would at least clear the air and make them both realize exactly where the other is standing.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Until next time!

I'll just write my entire response here rather than do it in three separate parts. First of all, thank you again for your wonderful reviews and interpretations. I especially like how you try to describe Claire and how she is in the relationship with her father. I tried to put myself in a situation to make it convincing and your insight in Part 6 was really well chosen.

It later occurred to me during my second re-read, that maybe that had been the point all along. Benedikt and Claire both do not like expressing their emotions and most of the time, they do not know how to express them either.

Benedikt is indeed like his daughter - or is it rather the other way round? Benedikt has this character of being somewhat stoic, but inside there is a storm and the relationship between the two is somewhat bad because of that, probably also because of the circumstances surrounding Claire's birth and mother's death. Maybe you don't always see it, precisely because Benedikt doesn't appear so often, but I wanted to portray him as "cold" when others are present, but "warm" when he's alone / when he's with his family, just as Claire is more open with herself when she thinks she's alone, and quieter and more discreet when she's with Emma, for example.

However, what surprised me most was Claire's own conclusion that her father must have been overwhelmed and had been focusing more on himself in that moment rather than on her.

Claire is conflicted, knowing that she wants to look forward - burying the old but also in a kind of bitterness that she wants to "get back" at her father for what he did / didn't do. Claire tries to bring her own incompetence on her father. I don't want to go too far into the story, but Claire - as you probably also noticed - sees her father as someone other than what he is, in other words - she tells herself that father is a bad guy, and she believes it too. And yet there is her conscience that tries not to let her fall into disillusionment. That's why there are these "two voices" in her head. (And one is always in third person.) You write it very appropriately here.

However, Claire is the kind of person whose imagination often occupies more space in her head than her real experiences. She resents having to live within boundaries, and this resentment increases ten fold because her imagination may often lead her to have unrealistic expectations which may eventually lead to disappointment.

I'm not saying that Benedikt has done everything right in life, but I think Claire also suffers a lot from being the youngest and therefore the "last", like someone who doesn't want to be the last to leave a room/building, there is a fear of being forgotten/lost.

It worked!

RandomTalks says...

It worked!

And I am glad at least some of my interpretations are correct! It brings me immense satisfaction. :)

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Sun Jan 23, 2022 9:06 am
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

It's pretty interesting how the parts involving Claire's thoughts get over even before I have time to notice that I finished it. I really liked Claire's thoughts in this part. She is kind of swinging between the real world and her dream world. On one side, she is a bit convinced that Benedikt isn't really angry on her and then the next moment the voice in her head takes over and tells her a lot of discouraging things as always. These moments when Claire talks and argues with herself are pretty good to read.

Things are going as expected. If I am not wrong, Claire is actually going to open her mouth in front of her father. I don't know what is going to happen after that but hopefully it's not going to be very rude or something. After all, her father wasn't the angriest person after Claire opened her mouth in the phone call. Also, when talking about the phone call, he asked what his mistake was and didn't blame Claire. We will see it, what happens when her father comes home. Hopefully, both Claire and her father will understand each other and all sorts of arguments will be settled.

Well, I like the fact that Claire is not being able to simply remove what Leonard told from her mind. And perhaps for the first time, she partly confessed that Leonard could be true, after all. It's necessary that she accepts the truth as soon as possible. Possibly, from what I can see, she is going to confront her father and Benedikt is going to be baffled if it's indeed the truth. Hm... if it's true and Benedikt doesn't want people to know this, Claire will get a good blackmailing weapon. Well, not really, after all she is her own mother.

Seems like Claire wants complete freedom- freedom in every aspect of life. I do sometimes wonder if there is any reason behind the fact that Benedikt is so conservative about women and their powers. Maybe he has some sort of internal fear which he can't tell anyone and everyone misunderstands him. Past, though everyone can deny it and tell to leave behind, plays an important role in life. And if we talk about this specific story, past is, without doubt, a very important factor here.

I see that Claire has an excellent mindset to take revenge on Benedikt. That's not a very positive thing. Of course, I do understand, putting myself in her shoes that it is more than natural for her to take revenge. Benedikt has given her a lot of pains and sufferings. However, it's also important for her to not become judgmental and see Benedikt from Benedikt's POV. She too has given Benedikt a lot of troubles. I wonder if these two people are like closed books to one another. They continuously want to judge the other from their one POV and not the person whom they are judging. That's all. I will get to the next part soon. Things are getting interesting.

Keep Writing!!


Thank you for your review! :D

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