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Violence

The Piling Of Bodies Chapter One:

by AriesBookworm


Two months. It's been two months since Evan and the other scouts left. We're running low on food. Severely low. Tension has been high and Margaret has been blabbing on about how she was right. Everyone's gotten frailer. But the thing that really sent tension through the roof was an incident last week that the community is still recovering from. One week ago Esme and I woke up to gunshots in the hut next door. I hid Esme under the bed, grabbed my gun, and went to go check it out. I saw Ben Willer running out of Mary Kunner's hut holding cans of beans.

"Ben!? What are you doing?"

Ben froze in his tracks while a few other people began to exit their huts. Francis Weed stepped forward.

"Ben, what did you do, boy?"

Ben dropped the beans and pulled a shotgun out of his pocket. I held tightly onto my gun while everyone else put their hands up.

"I haven't eaten in two days, okay!? Mary? She was hiding all of this, okay? I needed it but she wouldn't give me anything!"

"Ben, we understand. Don't do something that you'll regret."

Ben looked at the small crowd surrounding him. He began to tremble, he picked up a can of beans and then ran.

"Ben!" I shouted.

We all began to chase after him as he ran with beans in his hand. Try as we did, Ben was fast. Faster than our sleep-deprived bodies could run. My heart dropped when he reached the gate that limpers were knawing away at.

"Ben! Don't!-"

It was too late. Ben opened the gate and limpers came pouring in.

"Holy sh-"I pulled the trigger on my gun and shot a limper in the head. There were hundreds of them, I had to help clear the path for the scouts when they left. Some ran to go get guns of their own while others stayed to make sure I would be okay. Needless to say, Ben was the least of our concerns. The limpers began to invade the base more and more despite my efforts to keep them out.

Eventually, the others came back with guns and we managed to close the gate. We all searched for Ben but no one could find him. This incident is the exact reason why I'm on edge. If the scouts don't come back soon, I don't know what we'll do.


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Sat Nov 27, 2021 9:25 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi AriesBookworm,

Mailice back with a short review! :D

I must say, compared to the prologue, this beginning is already heading in a completely different direction and I'm glad I came back. :D You build up an incredibly good tension for the chapter here. Not only do we learn a bit more about other characters, but it feels like your world is expanding more and more, creating a much stronger presence of mystery and danger here.

While the prologue was still calm, you pulled out all the stops here and immediately brought the action to the front and showed what happens when people are hungry. I like how the interactions here are more in the dialogues and how this has created a good dynamic. And I forgot to mention in the previous review that I also like that you have an indent in the first line, which makes everything feel a bit more professional again.

But here I would also like to mention that visually I still miss it a little bit, how the story looks. We've already seen some characters and motifs, but I'm still missing more descriptions of how the places look or the characters. You know, we as readers don't see how you imagine it, so we have to more or less guess how something looks. My advice would be to sometimes insert a short paragraph that briefly describes what something looks like, preferably in connection with a train of thought, in order to go a little deeper into a character.

Otherwise, there was a strong contrast between the prologue and this chapter, which I liked very much.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Fri Nov 19, 2021 4:18 am
Thistle wrote a review...



Hi there!

First I wanna say I was really drawn in by the title of your story. Really made me stop and wonder what it would be about and sets the tone. Anyway I really like this first chapter. It's intriguing, and makes the reader wonder what exactly these "limpers" are and why Ben was desperate enough open that gate if they seem to be pretty dangerous.

The only concern I have is that I would have like more imagery and more sensory details to really put me inside the story. What's the weather like? Is it cold and misty? Maybe hot and muggy? Are there any interesting smells, like maybe the pungent smell of gunpowder? Was there a haunting metallic creak when Ben Opened the gate? Any any good imagery that helps to set the mood. Details like these sprinkled in really help your ready dive into a story and feel as if they are there with the characters.

Anyway, keep up the good work!
-Thistle






Thanks for the review.



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Thu Nov 18, 2021 10:30 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Ahh...I remember seeing the prologue for this and this first chapter did not disappoint. Right away we're introduced to what appears to be the main threat for this world and a what can happen should things start to go wrong. Its a good place to start a story off in.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Two months. It's been two months since Evan and the other scouts left. We're running low on food. Severely low. Tension has been high and Margaret has been blabbing on about how she was right. Everyone's gotten frailer. But the thing that really sent tension through the roof was an incident last week that the community is still recovering from. One week ago Esme and I woke up to gunshots in the hut next door. I hid Esme under the bed, grabbed my gun, and went to go check it out. I saw Ben Willer running out of Mary Kunner's hut holding cans of beans.

"Ben!? What are doing?"

Ben froze in his tracks while a few other people began to exit their huts. Francis Weed stepped forward.

"Ben, what did you do, boy?"


Okkay...well this first chapter is kicking off with a bit of bang here. Not quite dropped into the middle of the action, but a situation where it appears we've got a flashback to what sounds like a dangerous incident. Definitely a nice place to start here. Catches your attention as a reader right away.

Ben dropped the beans and pulled a shotgun out of his pocket. I held tightly onto my gun while everyone else put their hands up.

"I haven't eaten in two days, okay!? Mary? She was hiding all of this, okay? I needed it but she wouldn't give me anything!"

"Ben, we understand. Don't do something that you'll regret."

Ben looked at the small crowd surrounding him. He began to tremble, he picked up a can of beans and then ran.

"Ben!" I shouted.


You can certainly tell this person with the can is under some severe stress there and is acting out of sheer desperation although it appears despite that something horrible is going to end up happening to him because of this if he continues. Definitely a lot of questions already as to what might be behind this...and this is quite the start we.

We all began to chase after him as he ran with beans in his hand. Try as we did, Ben was fast. Faster than our sleep-deprived bodies could run. My heart dropped when he reached the gate that limpers were knawing away at.

"Ben! Don't!-"

It was too late. Ben opened the gate and limpers came pouring in.


Ooooh...well, this is a nice little buildup of tension here to showcase what appears to be a properly horrifying moment in this story here and we get a glimpse of what seems like a horde of monsters of some sort that people in this world need to constantly fight.

"Holy sh-"I pulled the trigger on my gun and shot a limper in the head. There were hundreds of them, I had to help clear the path for the scouts when they left. Some ran to go get guns of their own while others stayed to make sure I would be okay. Needless to say, Ben was the least of our concerns. The limpers began to invade the base more and more despite my efforts to keep them out.

Eventually, the others came back with guns and we managed to close the gate. We all searched for Ben but no one could find him. This incident is the exact reason why I'm on edge. If the scouts don't come back soon, I don't know what we'll do.


Okayy...well that maps out a nice little scenario here so far. It is a bit harder to judge exactly what kind of situation this whole thing happens to be, but we certainly get some strong glimpses into things with this little incident you start with here. I think that was a great choice there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, its a decent first chapter. I'd have liked to see a just a bit more description, especially what these limpers look like and what sort of layout this village area has, but to otherwise, this is definitely a nice little taste of this world being offered to the readers along with this character here and I think its definitely interesting enough that I find myself wanting to read on here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thanks!



HarryHardy says...


:D




I want to understand you, I study your obscure language.
— Alexander Pushkin