Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic


love

by pineapple321


I did not believe in love 

I thought of it as only a mere emotion

A liability, really

That was until I met you

-

You filled my days with laughter 

And hidden smiles,

With beautiful words and heartfelt talks

That was when I knew you.

-

Then you became my rain cloud

Filling my days with no more laughter,

Only tears and fury

That was when I lost you.

-

The days and months after were horrid

But is it so hard to move on?

To become a better version of what you already were?

That was when I let you go.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
78 Reviews


Points: 40
Reviews: 78

Donate
Mon May 23, 2022 1:50 pm
View Likes
NivedaJames22 wrote a review...



Hey, pineapple! It's been a while since I've reviewed anything, so I apologise in advance for how potentially ramble-ey this may turn out.

The poem was short but managed to convey the twisting wave of emotions that you experience as you fall in love with someone and then eventually move on. I really enjoyed how the contrast between each stanza was so stark, with each one outlining a different phase of the relationship and the corresponding emotions you experienced - with the first stanza talking about the narrator's disbelief in the very idea of love being flipped by this person, the second stanza covering the heady feeling of being with the person, the third stanza speaking of the relationship soured and quickly turned into a source for the narrator's grief, and the fourth one covering the process of moving on.

I enjoyed the simple, short way in which each line was written, which was very straightforward and blunt, pointing to the raw vulnerability that is expressed throughout the poem.

I really like when you likened the person to a rain cloud in the third stanza, suggesting how the initial feelings of love and affection darkened, like grey skies. Overall though, I think maybe some more imagery would be nice.

On the whole, it was a lovely read. Have a great day/night!

Happy writing! :>




pineapple321 says...


Thank you for your kind review and suggestions :D



User avatar
538 Reviews


Points: 58725
Reviews: 538

Donate
Fri Feb 04, 2022 2:57 am
View Likes
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

This was a very striking poem! I loved the narrative within in and the progression it showed between stanzas. The consistency between stanzas with the line count and the repeating pattern at the end helped organize it into one cohesive storyline that worked brilliantly. Nice job!!

One thing I really enjoyed about this was the pattern you created with those ending lines. It was a nice touch throughout, and showed the reader the progression of feelings. The only thing I would have to say about that is that three of them started with "that was when..." and then continued, but the first stanza started with "that was until." I thought it disrupted the pattern a little and made it less satisfying.

Another thing I would say is that while your imagery was superb, I do think it'd be nice to see some other figurative language. I though the third stanza could use some beefing up in that area; I just didn't get the heart-wrenching sadness I knew I was supposed to feel. I thought the "no more laughter" read a bit awkwardly— instead of telling us what isn't there, tell us what is. Make us feel that pain.

Specifics

You filled my days with laughter

And hidden smiles,

With beautiful words and heartfelt talks

That was when I knew you.


I think this was one of my favorite stanzas. I loved the delightfully warm imagery. It did such a nice job of showing the love between the speaker and the object of the poem. That last line, too, worked really nicely to tie it all in together. I also love the fact you didn't say "that was when I loved you." "That was when I knew you" has a much deeper meaning, I feel, and conveys a whole lot more than just love. Really nice word choice and imagery there!

Overall: nice work!! I think this was a very lovely narrative poem that had a lot of messages that rung true about love and loss. I hope to read more of your poetry soon! Until next time!!




pineapple321 says...


Thank you for your review :D



User avatar
301 Reviews


Points: 39
Reviews: 301

Donate
Tue Feb 01, 2022 4:41 pm
View Likes
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



I liked reading this poem about love.It was real and beautiful.There isn’t just one person for us,there could be other people waiting to meet us.We don’t ever have to meet other people,it could just be us.Love means so much more than its four letters.I have enjoyed reading this piece.I hope you have a calming and relaxing day and night.




pineapple321 says...


Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it!




"If fortis was here, we could have a teal party"
— Pompadour