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Afterlife chapter 6

by Col3


I bent down to take a breath. Me and Kai have been training for a whole month. Apparently, there are two tests, the practical and the physical. Kai had been helping me and even allowed me to stay at his place. The academy takes in all, that's why you don't have to pay anything to get in. I turn back to Kai, who looks just as beaten as I feel.

"Damn, you're good at this. he panted

"Am I?" I stood up straight, I thought I was lacking. I mean Kai, he was a really good fighter

"Yeah, man. Though compared to royalty and nobility, we are extremely lacking." He grinned

"What makes them so powerful?" I picked up the wooden sword he had made the previous day.

"Elixirs, training since like the moment they're born.  Not to mention their top notch mentors." He sounded bitter as he said this

"I thought that this was an afterlife where everyone was equal." I commented

"Yeah, right." He scoffs "Everyone is unequal here but power can go to anyone."

"Will we learn magic at the academy?"

"Yeah, though nobles will already know a thing or two. The rule is you can't have magic until you have a soul weapon." He picked up his wooden sword

"Soul weapon?" I got into the stance, Kai's father was an excellent swordsman.

"Yeah, it's a weapon that bonds to your soul. Your magic source." He charged at me

I raised my sword and deflected him easily.

"I hope my soul weapon isn't a sword." He grumbled

"Boys! The entrance exam is about to start." Kai's mom yelled

"O.K!" He called back "Let's go."

My heart was beating with anticipation. I have been training for this day for so long, so I was pretty nervous. Taking a deep breath, I looked up at the massive academy.

'Alright, you two do your best and don't stress too much, 'kay?" Kai's mother bent down to give Kai a kiss

"Alright, mum." Kai smiled at her then turned to me, "come on!"

We both walk up to the academy. The gates were crowded with students who were waiting for the tests.

"Hey look, its the prince and princess." Kai whispered in my ear

I look over and saw them. They were majestic. The princess, Fiona, had long strawberry blonde hair with intelligent green eyes, she wore a short grey dress. She, too, had white wings. The prince,Sage, was the complete opposite, with jet black hair that might go down to his shoulders if it wasn't put into a ponytail, he had damp grey eyes and wore a suit. He had white wings as well. I felt my face redden.

"Yeah, she's beautiful." Kai said dreamily.

"Y-yeah." I look away "They have white wings." 

"Well duh. You can't upgrade without a soul weapon." he looked back

"Huh." I looked at the big timer and it said we had two minutes left of waiting.

"Nervous?" Kai look at me

"Kinda." I scratched my neck

"Don't worry, you'll do great." He smiled

Just then, the timer had reached 0 and the doors opened. 

* * *

The first test was the practical test. They had us seated in rows and gave us a 30 question test. The questions were exactly like me and Kai had gone over. They were relatively easy, it kinda confused me. The second test was the physical test. We had to fight against a dummy made of roots that the principle created. We get to choose the weapons of our choice, but those weapons are not to keep. I looked over the selection of weapons we could choose from. I ended up picking the sword. Kai picked the daggers. I turned towards my root dummy.

"That's amazing." I look over, I saw that the prince and princess had already taken care of their dummy's. In record time. 

"Wow." I breathed. I have to catch up.

Turning to my dummy, I charged at it. I decided to go all out and go for the head. I knew that it could most likely recreate its body parts, so I'll have to cut it up faster than it can regenerate. I cut up the arms and head, then moved for the place where a human heart would be. The dummy fell and didn't get back up. I passed.

"Great job man!" Kai ran up to me, looks like he finished as well.

"How was it?" 

"Difficult, but not impossible." He smiled

"Really? It was pretty easy." 

"Well, we aren't exactly meant to destroy." He said, giving me a sideways glance.

I shifted my legs. If thats the case why did the royals and nobles do it so easily, or was Kai trying to make up for it being difficult for him? I sighed, so many questions.

"The principle!" Someone yelled

That got everyone's attention.

"Hello fellow students!" The principle called out. The principal was a tall, lean man with gray hair. He had a sort of light reddish pink wings. 

"They say he's next to become a gold wing." Kai whispered

Gold wings. The highest colored wings for only the strongest, there is said that there are only five right now.

"I will now show you who will enter the academy! Please look at the board and look for your name!" above him, a list of names appeared.

"Look! There we are!" Kai yelled excitedly. 

"We passed." I smiled

"Only by luck." I turned around to see what looked like a noble. He had caramel brown hair with hazel eyes. He wore a white suit that made his dark skin pop out. He had white wings  that almost looked like it was part of the suit. He had the utmost disgust in his eyes as he looked at me and Kai.

"Why is that?" Kai asked, looking equally disgusted

"I don't see why they allow commoners to go to the academy. You're useless." He sneered

" We are not." Kai said heatedly

"Yeah you are and mark my words, you won't last two days in that school." 


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Thu Dec 09, 2021 8:11 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Col3,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I see a way forward but also a staircase that is taken, leading to some steps being skipped. I am still very excited about the development of the story and how it got to this point. But still I see some places where it is better to work on. From a plot point of view, I wouldn't change much more, but build more of a path that helps give the reader a better understanding. Take the first paragraph here for example:

I bent down to take a breath. Me and Kai have been training for a whole month. Apparently, there are two tests, the practical and the physical. Kai had been helping me and even allowed me to stay at his place. The academy takes in all, that's why you don't have to pay anything to get in. I turn back to Kai, who looks just as beaten as I feel.


In itself it is a good amalgamation of the already teased information we received in the previous chapter. However, here again you jump too much from A to C and leave B out. I would just recommend you to create something like a "timeskip" that helps to build up a better understanding. Write a paragraph that is like a summary of what exactly was done, how Kai and the protagonist became friends and also a bit about everyday life. If you connect the fragments, you create a better overview and give the reader the necessary break to understand it all.

I would also be careful with the punctuation marks, they are missing in some places. :D

Apart from that, I still think the story is great. I like that you added such a twist and that we are now moving in a new direction.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Wed Nov 10, 2021 5:46 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...well you can certainly see why this is not exactly the place for those who do only good in their lives considering some of the characters that we are already meeting here...so, well, I think this is a nice little introduction to this whole academy atmosphere here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I bent down to take a breath. Me and Kai have been training for a whole month. Apparently, there are two tests, the practical and the physical. Kai had been helping me and even allowed me to stay at his place. The academy takes in all, that's why you don't have to pay anything to get in. I turn back to Kai, who looks just as beaten as I feel.

"Damn, you're good at this. he panted

"Am I?" I stood up straight, I thought I was lacking. I mean Kai, he was a really good fighter

"Yeah, man. Though compared to royalty and nobility, we are extremely lacking." He grinned

"What makes them so powerful?" I picked up the wooden sword he had made the previous day.


Okayy...well this is certainly taking an entirely different turn from that initial motivation that drove this plot forward with the death of the brother, so this really makes for an interesting change. The memory erasing does mean this is definitely realistic, but it is a bit of a stark change to now see everything has been flipped around to this getting into a school in Haven situation.

"Elixirs, training since like the moment they're born. Not to mention their top notch mentors." He sounded bitter as he said this

"I thought that this was an afterlife where everyone was equal." I commented

"Yeah, right." He scoffs "Everyone is unequal here but power can go to anyone."

"Will we learn magic at the academy?"

"Yeah, though nobles will already know a thing or two. The rule is you can't have magic until you have a soul weapon." He picked up his wooden sword

"Soul weapon?" I got into the stance, Kai's father was an excellent swordsman.


Oh this is all definitely sounding like regular human society, only with magic and cool weapons, which to be fair, considering there are probably a lot of humans here isn't exactly surprising. Aaaand well, its certainly creating a very interesting world here. I love how you're slowly introducing us to all those smaller details about this world quite nicely.

"Yeah, it's a weapon that bonds to your soul. Your magic source." He charged at me

I raised my sword and deflected him easily.

"I hope my soul weapon isn't a sword." He grumbled

"Boys! The entrance exam is about to start." Kai's mom yelled

"O.K!" He called back "Let's go."

My heart was beating with anticipation. I have been training for this day for so long, so I was pretty nervous. Taking a deep breath, I looked up at the massive academy.


Okayy...bit of a sharp transition on that one...we just have them sort of training with each other and suddenly they have to run off towards the exam...I feel like staging this conversation during maybe the gate of the school or something on the way to the exam would be better I think. Here it just feels too rushed with this rather random sounding training bit which doesn't seem to do much.

We both walk up to the academy. The gates were crowded with students who were waiting for the tests.

"Hey look, its the prince and princess." Kai whispered in my ear

I look over and saw them. They were majestic. The princess, Fiona, had long strawberry blonde hair with intelligent green eyes, she wore a short grey dress. She, too, had white wings. The prince,Sage, was the complete opposite, with jet black hair that might go down to his shoulders if it wasn't put into a ponytail, he had damp grey eyes and wore a suit. He had white wings as well. I felt my face redden.

"Yeah, she's beautiful." Kai said dreamily.

"Y-yeah." I look away "They have white wings."


Hmm, well that's an interesting duo to introduce. I feel like maybe the school area could do with just a tiny bit more description but for the most part you've done a pretty good job here of establishing the setting around this whole testing situation and introducing these two characters who I assume will be important in the times to come.

"Well duh. You can't upgrade without a soul weapon." he looked back

"Huh." I looked at the big timer and it said we had two minutes left of waiting.

"Nervous?" Kai look at me

"Kinda." I scratched my neck

"Don't worry, you'll do great." He smiled

Just then, the timer had reached 0 and the doors opened.


Oooh...that's a nice bit of a climax almost there, a countdown like that is always pretty exciting, and I think you capture this moment quite neatly here. It makes for a pretty note to get this test part of the plot underway.

The first test was the practical test. They had us seated in rows and gave us a 30 question test. The questions were exactly like me and Kai had gone over. They were relatively easy, it kinda confused me. The second test was the physical test. We had to fight against a dummy made of roots that the principle created. We get to choose the weapons of our choice, but those weapons are not to keep. I looked over the selection of weapons we could choose from. I ended up picking the sword. Kai picked the daggers. I turned towards my root dummy.

"That's amazing." I look over, I saw that the prince and princess had already taken care of their dummy's. In record time.

"Wow." I breathed. I have to catch up.


Okayy...a little nitpick, but practical and physical test are kind of similar sounding. Practical test is also usually when you're doing active stuff so if they're just answering questions I think you'd call that a theoretical test rather than a practical one...so look into that one a bit maybe. When I first saw the two tests I assumed it was like a test about fighting and then just something to check strength or something like that, but what you're describing is like a theoretical test with those questions and then a practical part where they actively fight.

Turning to my dummy, I charged at it. I decided to go all out and go for the head. I knew that it could most likely recreate its body parts, so I'll have to cut it up faster than it can regenerate. I cut up the arms and head, then moved for the place where a human heart would be. The dummy fell and didn't get back up. I passed.

"Great job man!" Kai ran up to me, looks like he finished as well.

"How was it?"

"Difficult, but not impossible." He smiled

"Really? It was pretty easy."

"Well, we aren't exactly meant to destroy." He said, giving me a sideways glance.


OKayyy....well that's certainly is off to an interesting start there with the dummy. Its a short and sweet fight scene but considering it is against an unmoving dummy I think it makes sense at it works. Soo...off to a good start here I think. Also "difficult, but not impossible" sums a lot of tests just in general. :D

I shifted my legs. If thats the case why did the royals and nobles do it so easily, or was Kai trying to make up for it being difficult for him? I sighed, so many questions.

"The principle!" Someone yelled

That got everyone's attention.

"Hello fellow students!" The principle called out. The principal was a tall, lean man with gray hair. He had a sort of light reddish pink wings.

"They say he's next to become a gold wing." Kai whispered

Gold wings. The highest colored wings for only the strongest, there is said that there are only five right now.


OKayy...well I love how these wing colors are being used quite nicely to show sort of a power scale in this universe almost and its a nice little touch. You can now instantly see that this principal is a person whose done some pretty serious things as a person.

"I will now show you who will enter the academy! Please look at the board and look for your name!" above him, a list of names appeared.

"Look! There we are!" Kai yelled excitedly.

"We passed." I smiled

"Only by luck." I turned around to see what looked like a noble. He had caramel brown hair with hazel eyes. He wore a white suit that made his dark skin pop out. He had white wings that almost looked like it was part of the suit. He had the utmost disgust in his eyes as he looked at me and Kai.

"Why is that?" Kai asked, looking equally disgusted

"I don't see why they allow commoners to go to the academy. You're useless." He sneered

" We are not." Kai said heatedly

"Yeah you are and mark my words, you won't last two days in that school."


Of course the trademark sneer of any bully worth his weak insults....well slightly cliche beginning to this one...although I can't deny it is a fun way to get something like this off the ground. We've got two friends about to enter this prestigious and the nobles are already out to threaten them....well, let's see how this goes I suppose.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think we're off to a pretty good start in this particular arc of the plot and I'm excited to see where it goes although I do hope that eventual the initial brother thing will come into play at some point cause that whole part will feel a bit unnecessary to the story as a whole.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain